For most of this year, I have had some level of confusion, some level of just not knowing, around what is next for me. For a few years I had a really simple & clear mission & description for myself. I was a traveling chef & healer... I traveled full time, cooking and doing body & energy work... Somewhere along the way I added event organizer... then writer... then steem-community-facilitator...
It has felt quite good to be unlocking new skills & classes, to be stepping into all sorts of new roles, and to be discovering new ways to be of service. At the same time, these new opportunities and different ways of being slowly eroded the simple "this is what I do" that I had built for myself... along with some general difficulties that come from not having my own space at any point, never really being "set up" anywhere, and the other difficulties of living in a backpack.
Over the last 10 days or so, I started diving into some pretty dark research, and it tipped me out of the pretty balanced, calm, good-feeling state I've been in for a while. After ranting about that and seeing the wonderful comments I've been getting on that research so far, I'm feeling a lot better. At the same time, it brought me back to this feeling of not knowing what to do next, where to focus, what role I should be playing.
Part of me balks at even that thought, because one of my desires has been to get away from playing roles of any kind besides just ME... but I am so multifaceted, and I can't have all my different ways being turned up to 100%, so I still have to chose where to focus, which parts of me I'm most playing with...
Thanks for listening. I'm so grateful for this life, even the most tricky & confusing parts of it.
If you enjoyed this, you may enjoy some of these highlights of my blog:
Keep on keeping on man!
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Hello friend, your videos are very educational for me, I still hope you receive me in the tribe. Greetings.
Don't play roles ... that being said. Answer this when you die and look back on your life what would you like to have achieved and experienced ?
My thoughts exactly! I've already accomplished most of the things that I set out to do... part of my issue actually. Trying to decide what to put on my bucket list now, what goals to have.
I know the feeling I have been going through a lot of this recently. And going back home (well home is where I am right now but all the same), I met with old friends smoke and sniffed and felt nasty the next day and as you say a clear rejection of this from my body. I live a much more spiritual life now and need to reflect this in my action but I think you need to remind yourself of this once in a while or we would be fully awakened as they say.
Life throws us these challenges and currently I having them left right and centre but each time I am able to reflect a little more and deal with them better. To the extent most bounce of me apart from the really deep things. I know where i'm going and have my plan, I am gathering at the moment in many aspects, having lost a lot in the past. I still have my old and dear friends but many just don't give me what I need so contact has dwindled, I still thanks them for their time in the past but unfortunately the connections have been lost with my change of direction. Its tough the the outcome is for the best me. Reiki vibes 💯🐒
Its a brave world to be traveling like that, I can say I don't like people enough to do what you do, it takes patience and a positive attitude, and faith in humanity to travel like that, Im a real sensitive empath so I like my walls, but the right person comes along and their energy and vibe are like a drug, so I envy your experience meeting new people and wish I could do that without the anxiety. Im an info junkie, and its been my hobby for over a decade, Im curious as to what subject you were researching, the frustrating part of research is getting people to believe the truth you invested hours in digging up, 9-11 was the most frustrating subject and still is. I cant believe anyone in less than 10 minutes of looking at the facts cant see the truth of how it was an orchestrated event on so many levels, after a number of years i stopped debating with people and would say this is a fact, if your happy with living a fairytale the truth is not for you, and learned quickly how to break circular arguments. On the bright side you are on the West Coast, The weather out west without the severe extremes like the midwest where I live has got to be paradise. I also would love to feel the Portland vibe after seeing all the skirmishes between Antifa and the AltRight crowd. It makes me feel like Portland may be a historic place to be right now, like Boston during the American revolution. Take Care and Stay Strong.
The funny thing is that I actually spent quite a bit of my life thinking that I didn't like people either... turns out I just don't like brainwashed, uninspired, semi-lifeless people. The whole time I spent traveling, I had only a couple interactions that weren't wildly inspiring and lovely. I went from being a lifelong introvert to one of the most extroverted people around. (though I'm in a much more introverted phase at the moment)
I've been diving down the vaccine rabbit hole recently, and chose to start my series off with a piece about the US government's history of human experimentation. 9/11 is definitely one of the most mindblowing ones... how does anyone believe the official story?
There are some really great things about Portland: mostly the big trees and the focus on organic, local food, as well as the amount of yoga and non-western medicine around. Unfortunately, the place is also extremely statist, and the answer to most every problem seems to be "ban it!"
Here's a clip I watched years ago, don't know wether you've seen it before, back when facebook was cool I would spam the CDC's page with that video. Definitely a rabbit hole that would be filled with darkness.
Vaccine pioneer admits adding cancer-causing virus to Vaccine
Oh ya, I've got that footage, and the whole documentary that dug it up.
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So many of us are right there with you, maybe not to the point of a backpack but definitely where do I go now feeling? I wonder what that means, because I've been trying to figure this one out for months. Thankfully you have gone far and seem to be moving right along. It all seems to be a bit jumbled as far as messages and nothing being real "clear cut." All in all I'm sure you will find your footing, if you have lived the way you have for this long you will be just fine.
Blessings Brother,
Eagle Spirit
PS. That darkness, is no fun and pulling your self out of it is certainly the place to be. We know who they are and there will come a time they will come into judgment. Big Hugs.
One opinion, nothing more. Portland isn't resonating within you, way too much resistance. If you have what you need to do so, think about returning to Denver or CA. You need to be among like minded, like hearted friends and loved ones, real anarchists. It will be in living among them that your inspiration will return in spades. The flow will hit you, you'll smile, hop aboard, and there you'll go. Among friends that resonate and inspire.
Just one opinion.
Blessings, -Logan
That is definitely part of it. I'm hitting Meetup a bit to try to find wherever the hidden enclaves of anarchists might be here in PDX. Part of my issue is also that I've pretty much surpassed Dunbar's number 2-3x at this point, but all those humans that I have close bonds with are people I can just wander over and visit here :-/
The grogginess is probably cannabis, but those other symptoms you described are likely allergies, been getting those too. This show is going to liven things up around town i think, keep finding the right notes to hit buddy. I feel you on the lost thing, but its only a temporary problem, paths are about to be illuminated.
The thing is that I've definitely developed some allergies to cannabis as well, after trimming it really gives me a rough time these days.
The pollen that gets kicked up from trimming certain strains is getting to me this year. I feel ya.
Confusion, while not particularly pleasant at the time, is a great state to be in. It leads to creativity and new outcomes. Of course, it can go on for a long time sometimes. (Hopefully not too many lifetimes!)
Remember to celebrate all you have already conjured and soon, it'll be time to LEVEL UP!
Quite true brother. Had a bit of a breakthrough this morning while I was sitting next to a lake reading :-) Feeling a bit more clarity, and excitement for some wonderful things that are coming down the pipeline... still feeling a bit low energy and calling in that support though.
Loving you brother!