Over a year now, I had been in the belly of a giant whale. This metaphoric whale was as horrifying and claustrophobic as the real deal, maybe more, because it was an all-encompassing dark and hopeless place that no one could even see to help me out of. Well... almost no one. There was One who saw my plight; and whether He put me there or it was of my own stupidity of climbing in without means of escape, heh, well...I'm putting that in the category of "not for me to decide". That was a big hurtle to jump over, too. When you're suddenly entirely wrecked and wrought with something as big and ambiguous as anxiety, impending doom, panic attacks, depression and hopelessness as well as a kind of gnawing in the soul signaling dire disturbance, it's only natural as human beings to try and make logical sense of it all. "Why is this happening?" is usually a necessary problem to find the solution. Traditionally, it goes like this: Assess situation, diagnose problem, find solution, implement, and problem solved.
But what if there are things that can't be solved? What if there are things that happen to us, to those around us, in the world at large, that simply don't have clear cut diagnosis and treatments available? Maybe that seems cynical. Alright, fine, but... what if knowing that isn't as hopeless as it seems, either? What if the truth is actually hope buried under the surface level hopelessness?
I'm of the opinion that it is. The reason there's so much 'hopelessness' in NOT having clear answers or solutions is because we attribute what isn't easily understood, what is unknown, as terrifying and without hope. If there is a problem or situation beyond our control, and more than that, beyond modern medicine, beyond logic and reason, beyond human intervention, beyond homeopathic means, beyond.....the world, then it stands to reason if our only hope is in what we see and hear and touch around us, well then yeah; that is utterly hopeless.
But what if it's not? What if when we realize there's an intangible and blurry looming shadow of darkness suffocating our minds and bodies in a way we can't fight back on our own, there IS actually One who is TOTALLY in control.... and....doesn't hate and condemn us, doesn't measure love based on what we do, say, or think or ever will measure love based on those metrics? Like... what if the Creator of EVERYTHING actually.... loves me? Doesn't WANT me to struggle like this? In fact, has kept me alive and breathing up to this point and continues to for unique purpose... and a loving and good one that even I would deem awesome and beyond my wildest dreams?
Like I said before, there are things that happen, in my life and others' that are just not for me to decide. I don't know the reason, and when I try to figure it out, that's when I get too in my head and miss the biggest picture of all; there IS hope. TRUE Hope. So, did I have this over year-long onslaught of panic attacks followed by deep despair, emptiness, and a feeling of 'it's all over, I've wasted my life and I'm only losing more purpose as I get older' because it was meant to open up my eyes FINALLY and TRULY to begin seeing that God actually LOVES and AFFIRMS me instead of condemning and judging me? I don't know. Was it something I did to myself and God decided to take what the devil meant for my harm and made it into something beautiful, awesome and good? Unsure. Or was it all just the pre-determined, intricately and thoughtfully creative plan of God to bring me to this place where I finally am freed from the burden of self and use my scars to tell an amazing story... a story of His love, power, provision and grace??
Again.... there's no way to tell for certain. I will say this much, though; I know the solution. Not out of special 'piety', not out of something particularly about me that makes me more special or 'blessed' than others, and certainly not because of my actions, thoughts, or words. I have the solution because there IS a LOVING and ALL-POWERFUL God who WANTS to give the solution to anyone who earnestly seeks it. What I have, is for anyone and everyone, but I want to take the generalizing feeling out of those statements and impress this: it is for YOU. Freedom is for YOU. Love is for YOU. Grace and hope are for YOU. People fail, systems fail, the world at large and even ourselves... all fail... but there is One who does NOT because He CANNOT. He can ONLY win. And He doesn't just exclusively offer to give certain individuals victory over their biggest battles, He PROMISES victory to ALL who ask.
Alright, so....man alive, I got off the rails... I mean, maybe (heh), or... maybe not. As a human, I can make plans, I can dream dreams, and then.....ultimately what happens is up to God. And that is something amazing and wonderful I'm truly grateful for, because as expansive as my visions can be, they all look uninspired in contrast to the ultimate divine Creator. All this is to say, I have mentioned before on here a long time ago that I have a WEALTH of old notebooks and journals and information overflowing in tote bags that are personal journals and memorabilia from the darkest periods in my life.
We're talking eating disorder, self-harm, attempts to take my own life, drug addiction, sexual abuse, abusive relationships, divorce, losing a baby, psyche ward stays and the twisted world of drugs they tried to kill my spirit with, 8 rehabs, a dream of living over in Taiwan being cut short and leaving me aimless and wrought with misplaced guilt and self-loathing, a life-long struggle with mental health problems including sacrilegious intrusive thoughts that left me feeling absolutely personally condemned to Hell by God, a history of panic attacks and crippling anxiety, jail time and the penalties that followed from addiction, losing over a dozen jobs in just a couple years, being homeless, and....Good grief, I could go on, but this is already feeling like too much at once so I'll slow down. If the interest in seeing into the soul and mind of someone battling those things speaks to you, I implore you to keep checking in because I'm laying it all out there, no bars, no strings attached, no shielding the vulnerability and pain of it all.
I'm not doing it for a pat on the back, for any kind of pity or attention in those regards, sincerely, there are many things I DO NOT look forward to pouring out there, but I'm going to, because I didn't get saved from these traumatic things for nothing. I'm not staying the belly of the whale a minute more, because although I've already been rescued from the things that crippled me for over a year, I've seen too much goodness...too much mercy and grace poured out over my life to hold it in for myself. It's not about me, and I say this quite literally... thank GOD it's NOT about me. I'm a bad authority to be in charge of my own life. Of my own accord, I never know what I truly want or need, I never know what satisfies my soul, and I'm grateful that God puts me first so I DON'T HAVE TO.
No, this is quite literally me relenting, FINALLY, to the tension in my soul, the fight between my own stubbornness and need for perfectionism versus God saying "LET GO, I want to lift you to HIGHER ground". So, here it is. My first installation of it all, and after this I'm going to take you all back, not to the beginning, but to the first wound that was so big that others could see and it dramatically changed the course of my life. I genuinely hope you stick around, because this message is not from me, but from a God who can sometimes feel to big and ambiguous to connect to; "let me love YOU". He has a personal message for you, and I'm not going to try and even guess what it is, because I know it'll be better and more personal and intimate than anything I could say. God bless you, and I know that phrase has gotten trampled on with overuse and light use without true meaning, but, I'm here to give a sincere "God bless YOU" from the depths of my being. There is so much better for you, friend. You have no idea how much goodness He has been patiently waiting to show you if you just give Him a chance.
(Afterthought:) I might also mention, I'm an artist. My most personal art form is music, and while I have uploaded some songs on 3Speak, I'm committing to releasing so much more. For every dark period of my life, there's a whole self-written soundtrack, and I want to share that intimacy with you, too. As I do, I'll specify on what time period the song came from in my life and do a correlating post for it. Organization is something that feels counterintuitive to my own sense of creativity, but I vow to do my absolute best. I'll share whatever artwork I have from different time periods, too, in keeping good faith with as well-rounded picture of my journey as possible.
caption: This is a poem I found from 8 years ago. Written on a napkin when I was in rehab, but a good summary of my struggles as a preview.
She Runs.
hurt and confused
by others, by herself,
abandoned, abused,
by herself, by others
empty, but too full,
heart, then head,
life is too frightening, then it's too dull,
pushing against it, the handle says pull,
so she runs,
on her feet, and she runs in her mind,
and she runs,
from reality, pressing rewind
past is too painful, presses fast forward
what is the present? does it exist?
running can numb, but
the feelings persist