Just some mumblings.

in #blog9 months ago

My witness is disabled for the moment, I was planning on upgrading to windows 11 and moving everything to use Hyper-V or at least make a Hyper-V VM with GPU support so @chisdealhd can use it for gaming remotely. But I opted to not do it right now because my current computer hardware wouldn't really fair to well GPU wise. So I'm going do to some cleaning up and maintenance and start it up again.

Which brings me to how this year is going so far.. In terms of IRL.. pretty poorly. I'm struggling to fine reasons to get out of bed.. My bed is comfy and warm... the house is cold.. I spend most of my time either cleaning or sitting on the sofa exhausted. I haven't been eating well at all, often only having 2 meals a day at best and certainly not enough food.

I have no routine outside of my streaming on @vimm and even that is a struggle where I'm often late to start. I don't spend any time on my computer outside of my streaming time which is making it impossible to do any other projects or work. I'm almost SCARED to go on my computer at any other time for fear of just wasting the day away.. Only to waste it on the sofa instead....

I haven't even been keeping up with hygine either really.. I NEED to shower every day.. otherwise my skin goes nuts and gets inflamed and really spotty. But.. I'm just in a state where I don't think.. about anything. like nothing is important.

I can sometime spontaneously do some jobs like washing up, laundry etc.. but that's after it's like built up to insane levels.. half the bathroom floor was overrun with laundry to do until I did some this morning.. There's still tons to do.

Same goes for dishes.. sometimes piling up until there's a weeks old dirty dishes waiting to be washed.

I keep telling myself I'll get up in the morning and do this and that but I never do. I get up late and do whatever I can with the time I have... sometimes..

My dad told me this morning that he's given up.. That he just stays in bed as long as possible because he has nothing to do and no money to do anything with and nowhere to go. This hurts me... because there is nothing I can do to make things better. I'm not exactly helping with being vacant and almost non-existent.. It's told me before that he sometimes feels like he's living here alone with how distant I can be, Not intentional but... still..

I need to get my shit together but I don't know where my shit is. I lost it somewhere down the line and now everything is just static, gray garbled mess.

I'll probably some day find a trigger that sends me into my 'good' state where I'm reasonably productive in life.. but I have no idea when or if it'll happen and my mind is too broken to proactively fix things myself quickly. I really don't want to waste another year of my life getting nothing done. I've been 'working' on my computer case for months now and gotten nowhere it's just sat in my dads room waiting... Neither of us feel like doing anything at all besides staying in bed and forgetting the world..

So... I donno.. I'm done rambling now..


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I feel you man. I've been in a similar vibe for a few weeks now. Forcing myself to push through and continue getting things done. It's not easy and it's not fun. I haven't been as productive as I should be and that means things are getting delayed or pushed back. I go through a phase like this almost every winter for some reason.

I find that sticking to a routing as much as possible helps getting through those tougher seasons of life.

Hang in there bud, you're a net positive in this world.

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