We are overlooking a dark brown plain. A long convoy of horse-drawn carriages, accompanied by riders on horseback stretches comfortably from start to end all the way to the length of the dusty plain road.
None of what you see makes it to the end
This isn't America in the 1850s, oh no, for when the camera cuts in we get to see, foot soldiers, wearing helmets, holding spears and shields. This isn't the gold-rush! Some medieval swashbuckling this is, for the camera suddenly pans and there is, Farmer Jamie, golden plating all over his joints, shiny crystals along the chest, atop his trusty stallion, trotting to overtake a single carriage. The cart stops, he dismounts, yanks open the back door and inside the carriage we see ….
Gold.
The eh, shtuff that dreamsh are made off.
Some grunt whose name I won’t even bother to jot down, handbrake turns his horse next to Farmer Jamie. As he dismounts, Jamie “Easy Lover” Lannister hands him a heavy looking bag he has pulled from the back of the wagon. The grunt grabs it, belts it and cracks open a can of whine-ass, complaining about his fee and about wanting a castle of his own. Jamie looks at him in disbelief – he can't be serious! - rubs his face into vague promises and promptly sends him along the Tarly's on some villager terrorizing mission.
"And that's why i give the orders and you shut up!"
“Never a debt of this magnitude has been repaid in a single instalment”, muses the Iron Bank representative over the fade out of the convoy resuming its just mission. Cercei hovers around the room holding a glass of wine in front of her with both hands. She seems extremely satisfied with herself, and so does the banker who foresees a bright future of marketability and profitability in his client's present achievements. Oleena Tyrell's gold, slowly swagging its course towards the Iron Bank vaults has made two pigs extremely happy, one high on the prospect of more power, the other high on the prospect of more money. There are no friends in competitions, really.
"Enter the Dragon? Is it out on DVD yet?"
That scum-mouthed Lord Baelish pulls out a silver dagger bearing intricate carvings on its handle and blade and hands it over to Bran, the telepathic sledge-bound man. Lord Baelish, a certain trickster of speech attempts to woe Bran into contemplation pertaining the futility of life to which an ever certain Ouija Boy retorts with a solemn, “Chaos is a ladder”. That's some good shit right there that's why we are jotting it down! The door creaks open and in comes Bran's aide/sidekick/friend, fresh from some snow-sledge hustling, forcing a bemused Lord Baelish to hastily vacate the room. And there on begins a strange, heated exchange which borders slightly on the insane. The girl cracks up as she is explaining to an ever-defiant Bran that she is about to leave and that this is goodbye. He manages to maintain his blasé expression throughout her outburst (good man!) and when she questions his apparent indifference he gets weird, exclaiming he is not Brandon Stark. Not content with being outgunned she gets even weirder and storms out of the room after telling him that “He died in that cave”
"Yours is not the only thing that died in that cave, Brandon!"
What sort of black wizardry is this? Dragons existing, we can play peek-a-boo with that but people dying and coming to life as supermen left, right and centre, that's like watching the X-Men on an archaic twist!
But we are digressing and Murder Frenzy has already reached Winterfell! She attempts to get into the castle but the guards at the gate don't recognise her, of course, and politely if repeatedly ask her to “Fuck Off!”. She decides to get all coy on them, forcing them to contemplate, what would happen if Red Sub-Queen Sansa were to find out they were stalling her. The guards think it doesn't take them that much time, relent and let her in. They order her to wait while they quarrel about who is going to inform Overcloak Sansa about her arrival, and when they turn back to her, she is gone.
"So the bitch sents me on latrine detail because i had a piece of romaine lettuce stuck in me teeth!"
Strings, violins. Murder Frenzy heavy-eyed panning around the courtyard through the camera. Memories, feelings, joy, the girl is finally home!
The guards rush to Sansa. “She is in, but she is a nobody, probably, but we don't know, so don't worry!” Sansa knows and Sansa brushes them off. She flees the room and rushes down some catacombs where she finds Murder Frenzy standing in front of a stone effigy of a man. They hug, they ever so slightly, cry. They must be sisters although they don't look alike, but hey this is a place where people reanimate and dragons “Maverick” over grasslands and plains so, all is possible. Sansa informs Arya (Murder Frenzy) that Bran has also returned home and both of them venture towards meeting his royal weirdness.
Hey little sister, SHOTGUN!
Brandon “Wheels of Ice” Stark is sitting on a brand new wheelchair, built in an instant by a famous in-house master carpenter, under the same red-leaved oak tree Sansa met him as soon as he returned. Beautiful contrasty scenery between the purifying plainness of snow and the cut-out allure of the spotting oak tree. Arya is overjoyed to see Bran, he is as always indifferent. Sansa reveals that he is the recipient of “visions” and then he hands them over the Valyrian dagger Lord Baelish or Littlefinger (har, har) gave him. Arya accepts it, they all head back home and sail together as a unit through the courtyard under the proud eye of Mega-Dyke and the sneering glance of Littlefinger.
"And if you push this motherfucker hard enough it makes 88 miles in no time
Jump back to Goldilocks's temporary abode. She and Eunuch Lover travel down a staircase along with their entourage of scary looking soldiers. Eunuch Lover is worried about her eunuch, ahem, lover who is away and in battle. Goldi is befuddled by her stringent yet coy demeanour and smiling coyly herself demands to know what's going on. We are spared of 30 minutes of inane girl talk by Jon Snow who awaits them at the foot of the stairs. Jon takes Goldi deep into the heart of the mountain, into the dragonglass quarry which turns out to be some obscure obsidian mulch – at least there is plenty of it as Jon affirms. But wait, there is more to that. Jon leads Goldi to some assumed “ancient” rock carvings, which prove that there existed men before them. Another carving, expertly done in 21st-century digital strokes captivates their attention and spares them the retention in proclaiming that yes, there is a common enemy, the Army of The Dead, as here they are carved in bedrock.
"Oh no! Space monkeys are-a-attacking!"
Goldi immediately proposes an allegiance to Jon, only if only he bends the knee. Girls in these parts are quite adamant about this knee-bending business. Jon wants to scoff her off as usual but he is polite at his retort until she drives him down the rabbit-hole by inquiring “Isn't your pride less important, than the well-being of your people?”
You had your last breath, Jon Snow!
Together they exit the quarry walking side by side, one could have sworn that they were holding hands! Peter Dinklage and Rotundal await for them at the mouth of the cave. “What is it boy, what is it? The ships, your highness, our friends, they are gone! What? How could this be? This way, to mayday your grace.”
Goldi's armies are losing, her allies have been trumped and there she is standing on the frail sands of Platitude Beach watching her dragons unutilised, performing somersaults some nautical miles out of the beach. What should she be doing, Jon Snow, what?
You fucking court jester, look what you made me do!
Jon “I'm always right” Snow tells her what not to do, take her dragons out on a fiery rampage against anyone and everyone. We don't get to hear telling her what to do because the scriptwriters are reserved in placing staggeringly stupid words in his mouth.
"You don't want to be Queen of the Ashes, you want to be Queen of the Clashes!"
Suddenly we are back in Winterfell, where Mega-Dyke is training with her extra again who is now an expert in eating dirt. Murder Frenzy joins them, much to Mega-Dyke's surprise and asks her for a sparring match. Mega-Dyke initially declines but Murder Frenzy pressures her on the grounds that she has sworn to serve both of her mother's daughters. Red Sub-Queen and Littlefinger who are standing on the overhead balcony, hear Frenzy's words and we register a pang of apprehension coming from Sansa. Sibling rivalry maybe? Littlefinger seems openly happy about this but he is definitely always happy for being available to scheme on others. Mega-Dyke and Murder Frenzy spar (we thought the match was OK) ending the fight with a tie.
Mega-Dyke Vs Murder Frenzy
Jon Snow and Sir Davos are walking along the embankment because they have nothing else to do besides wait and masturbate, with Davos teasing Jon about having the hots for Goldi. They encounter Eunuch Lover, they discuss their respective past family history and they continue to talk smack until a boat arrives down the shore ferrying Black-clad Lady's bodyguard (who is also her brother and has no dick, literal and metaphorical it is revealed). Jon and Co. rush down to the beach to meet him and as he gets off the boat and onto the sand Jon grabs Tricky Dicky from the collar and shakes him with a threat. Sir Davos, asking the real questions inquires about Iron Man (Euron), the fleet and Dicky's sister. Dicky proclaims that he has come to ask the Queen for help, but Jon sneers at him that “she is gone”! Where to Dicky inquires?
"Didn't you pussies know? Dicks are forever obsolete!"
Once again we find ourselves riding along Farmer Jamie's convoy, now halted beside a small lake for rest and recuperation. Jamie, the Complaining Grunt and Old Tarly are overseeing the experiment from a safe distance. The gold, they say has safely made it back to King's Landing, so the Iron Bank can sleep soundly for just a night. They frolic a bit amongst their selves when suddenly, Farmer Jamie's trained ear intercepts the roar of an incoming rumble. Anxiously they flog their horses around in order to gather up their scattered men. Soon enough long lines of shield-bearing soldiers form with additional spearheading units on their back.
"We've got them by the balls lads!"
For a moment it seems that they are ready but that moment passes itself as the horizon thickens with the moving shapes of incoming scythe-bearing riders. The soldiers brace, their commanders shift uncomfortably in their saddles – everybody is momentarily aware of the hell they are about to dive in. A long rolling screech emanates from somewhere within the clouds and as if out of nothing a big-ass dragon, jumps out from between cumulus tuft and hurls screeching towards them.
"Braaahhhh ..... your ass is toast now!"
Goldilocks sits behind the dragon's neck, steering him through the twists and turns of oblivion, smiling triumphantly as she places her aims on the long winding line of men and carriages.
"Incoming! Outcoming!"
The scythe-bearing riders clash upon the wall of shields. Heads crack, throats are being slit open, red fountains of blood gush from paint satchels concealed underneath faux-iron armour. Goldi and the dragon descend from the heavens, Goldi calls out something obscure (Dracarys!) the dragon happily opens its abysmal mouth and soon enough a jet-wash of fire rains down on men, animals and equipment alike. Tormented soldiers scream out their burning agony as they desperately attempt to hide from flailing scythes and napalm death. Farmer Jamie observes the onslaught with dismay. Goldi “Mavericks” over the battlefield, making sure to add another cluster of airborne fire to the mass already shimmering inside her cauldron of hate.
Way Above Zero Dive Bomber
Jamie orders the Grunt to locate and set up their anti-aircraft artillery, which they have been hauling up and down for days now, just in case. Grunt runs through a hailstorm of fire, evading his enemies one by one until he reaches the carriage where the enormous crossbow is mounted on. Quick as a bat he loads and locks onto the descending target, sending a hurling metal rod into the dragon's right shoulder-blade.
"Here kitty, kitty, kitty ..."
The dragon destabilises and stalls, then slowly descends towards the battlefield, one would have thought that the dragon and Goldi are now equally toast but before landing the dragon makes sure to sear the area around him so no maggots are left alive to bother it.
Farmer Jamie, who is sitting flabbergasted on his horse, watching from a distance sees the opportunity for attack when Goldi slides down from the dragon's neck and tries to pull out the rod from the wound. Peter Dinklage, safe upon a distant hill, surrounded by his entourage, sees the action evolving and through his teeth urges Jamie not to take the pot shot, as he needlessly mindlessly charges his horse towards Goldi and the downed dragon.
Don't you dare you jackass!
Just before he enters critical range, Goldi spots him with the edge of her lazy eye, the dragon turns his head towards him, opens up to say ahhh,
This, we were thinking of this
sending a rolling fireball towards his way, which would have gotten him, if not for a mysterious flying body intersecting at the very last moment, sending Farmer Jamie deep into the lake, to contemplate the royal mess his life has become as he slowly drifts into unfathomable silence, ready to sleep with the fishes.
This is what you get when you ride straight into its jet-wash
Onto credits. No violins, no strings, no nothing. Yawn.
Here is your chance to re-visit the Jon "I believe I can fly" Snow lollygagging shit parade!
Stark No More!
Game Of Thrones Season 7: Revisited
Game Of Thrones Season 7: Dragonstone
Game Of Thrones Season 7: Stormborn
Game Of Thrones Season 7: The Queen's Justice
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