The year is 2035, my name is Arzival. The Steemasis is where everyone comes to escape the daily grind by shilling, bullshitting, worshipping the very ground whales walk upon, and generally pissing in each other’s pockets. Dan Larimer died many years ago in a tragic but suspicious accident involving a pack of image stylists high on bath salts and an autonomous colonic irrigation drone. Now, Ned Scott has passed away into the ether as well, leaving behind a quest to find the ultimate Easter egg, in the form of the the Hairbrush of Power, that gives ownership of his massive stockpile of Steem Power, as well as a control of Steemit.inc.
Somewhere, hidden in the blockchain, are three keys that will unlock the hairbrush that created Ned’s perfect hair, enabling him to bring about our glorious golden age of unwaged precarious corporate neo-feudalism, I mean glorious minarchic freedom where poor people absolutely don’t starve in the street and selling a kidney to pay the rent is soooooo voluntary. Don’t flag me bro - I love cryptos, because clearly blockchain technology has solved all the world’s problems. Give me a ‘B’, give me an ‘L’.....No cheer for blockchains? Well fuck you guys! I know what you did in the great upvote riots of 2019 - I still have that picture, see:
Anyway, there’s these three keys...Or was the three deathly cryptos? Um, maybe it was the three decoder rings that unlock the one quantum decoder to rule them all. I’m not sure - I have trouble keeping track of what’s real since I sold my pineal gland to the lovechild of Chelsea Clinton and Joe Rogan to pay for enough bandwidth to post this message to the blockchain. Can someone tell me, are hobbits real, and did I ever kill a robot sent back from the future to kill me?
Where was I? The keys - whatever the hell they are - there’s three of them, and we need to get to them before arch-bad guy Bernays Panders finds them and brings about fully automated luxury space steemianism for all minnows, plankton and borderline-life prion-level account-holders.
Yeah, wouldn’t want that. I mean, who needs both kidneys, the ability to not sell your children into indentured servitude, and working long-term memory…
Fuck this, let’s finds those keys and help Bernays seize the memes of production! We have nothing to lose but our blockchains! I can’t do this myself though, and nominate the zombie-wrangler @whatamidoing and friendly-but-subversive @deliberator to aid me in this quest for freedom that absolutely won't involve any borderline plagiarism or deep personal bitterness that some CEO has nicer hair than me.
Honestly dude, you could stopped writing after the first paragraph and It would have been a great entry. NICE!
Thanks! My attempts at humour, at best, are dangerously inconsistent, and I do tend to overdo it.
I'm like the King of overdoing it. I can turn a ingenious bit of humor into the the blandest form of a dead horse beaten pile of crap. I for one enjoyed the extras.
ned's got three white hairs at the center of his head. those are your keys. yeah, you're welcome
How to get close enough to him without him becoming suspicious, though? I guess I could disguise myself as sweetsssj, but that could get akward...
if you could disguise yourself as any product of hair gel, the possibilities will make one hard
Written on them in really small letters: "Who so ever should pluck these hairs from this head, shall be the next CEO of Steemit"
Good luck in your quest, should you find these keys, 3. Upon your return back to the capital we shall celebrate with a feast
Haha! Yes. Let's find those three... ehm, what was that again?
I wish you a good hair day!
Wishes don't always come true.
Holy Fcuking Avatars! How did I miss this legendary oasis parody post!
oh yeah....i was off for 1 week as judge...boo hoo! Gonna upvote all your comment replies with Fat ones!
👍👍👍- ok it's time some Aussie nominates @beeleemusic todo a #comedyopenmic entry!
i tried to upvote all the replies, but i think it only goto 75%, next time you rock a great long one like this, let me know on discord or drop in in post-promotion in the community hangout there:
https://discord.gg/E8MeMUx
I will, for sure :). They probably won't all be this good though.
And yes, someone should nominate @benleemusic - that's some serious competition!
man, if you can get consistently this good, we have to consider cloning a couple of you and get rid of the original, will talk to @diebitch to see about where we can stash the body
I wouldn't worry too much - I don't think my efforts this week were quite up to this standard.
Fascinating, sd. Thanks for your participation, and for your vote!
You are most welcome :)
I really did love that book, and I equally loved reading your satire of it. Very funny.
I'm ashamed to say that I haven't read the book yet. But I did go and see the movie when it opened, and absolutely loved it. I would go back and see it again, but it's school holidays here, so the cinema will be full of children - might leave that for another week or so.
The book was amazing, I would like to see the movie... I didn't even know that it was out yet.
Totally worth it.
You write incredibly well, I'm jealous and borderline bitter. Then again, what's the point of it all ?
If it's any consolation, there's lots of other things I'm quite bad at - mainly anything to do with making large amounts of money.
many people are bad at that :)
Ha! Loved the connection to Steemit.