Before I start, I want to remind the viewer that this series (originating on Steemit) are not meant to be extremely well edited or refined. Rather, I am trying to take some of the millions of thoughts from my brain and put them down on paper in hopes that they will be of value to me at a later date, or simply interesting/entertaining to voyeurs. With that in mind, please enjoy these thoughts. They will be collected and written into a full essay at some point soon.
Previous Episodes:
2: We Encourage Our Own Enslavement, or, People are too lazy to change
3: Which Category Do I Fit In? (or, My experience as a Mutt in America)
4: Love Thy Neighbor (Or, Respecting the Local Culture When on Vacation)
5: Planting Seeds (Physical and Literal)
6: The Return of My Social Anxiety
7: I want the best for you
Stop Calling Me Skinny
Ever since I was a young teenager I have had adults tell me I needed to “get some meat on those bones”, or come up with nicknames for me (“Lanky”) which drew attention to my height and my thin body size. Now I never took any of this too seriously, I saw them for what they were - silly jokes. However, as I have gotten older and began to understand my own insecurities and lack of self esteem, I can now see that there are deeper issues to parse out from this experience. This is an attempt at understanding people’s motivations for these comments, and my personal view on the image of a male body put forth by society.
I have always been tall and lean, I had a growth spurt before most of my peers so for a while I was the tall kid. Interestingly, I remember the jokes or comments about how skinny I was as far back as 6th grade. I also remember that by 8th grade I was starving myself. That year I think I allowed myself to eat one bag of M&Ms a day. See, what these people didn’t understand is that I felt the exact opposite. I have always thought I was fat. I wanted to shred any amount of fat on my body so I could be thin and muscular. Ask any girl I have ever dated and they have likely heard me complain about feeling fat, feeling sick in my own skin. It’s not a pleasant experience and I hope anyone else dealing with it finds some way to process the pain.
A couple years later when I got into self harming, I started to cut and slice my stomach out of disgust. I would sit in my room with a blade and cry to myself (I was also very depressed) as I sliced across my stomach and watched the blood run and then dry over my skin. My body image issues were made worse by the fact that I had a great deal of depression from my lacking relationship with my father. I started to put a lot of blame on myself at an early age and it’s possible my aversion to my own body and skin came from self doubt and blame I picked up during my developmental years.
I did this for years. Starving myself, punishing myself, and then, ironically, being told by people around me that I was too skinny. I would hear this from adults, other guys who thought I wasn’t a “real man” because I wasn’t a huge dude with a beer gut. I would hear this (and still do) from women who think a “real man” is bigger than me. I always took these jokes with a grin (and still do), but there is a part of me that is screaming, “Fuck you! I don’t want to be an overweight piece of shit! It’s not healthy to be big and fat! Stop celebrating your fucking gluttony!”. As you can see, I held on to a lot of anger and frustration because of these experiences. The funny thing is, I am probably going to outlive all these people who tell me I need to gain weight while I watch them eat unhealthy and chug beer.
But beyond my personal experience, I think these jokes and comments from people illustrate a much deeper, pressing issue: gender and cultural norms. It’s something I touched on in my first book with @johnvibes in our essay “Balancing the Feminine and Masculine”. What I mean is that it seems as if society (and by that I mean the people) expect men to be big and strong, able bodied, and fearless. Men are not supposed to express emotion, cry, paint their nails, or be pretty. Women are expected to be emotionally available, weak, in need of protection, wear dresses, like the color pink, etc. However, many of us are learning that these expectations are bullshit.
For one, society is simply the collective of existing human beings. We do not have to push these expectations on one another and judge accordingly. We can recognize that the media, the politicians, and other opinion makers have their vision of what society should look like, what males and females should act like, and generally, how we should live our lives. Sometimes this vision aligns with our personal vision of happiness. Often, it does not. And when our expectations do not match with the expectations put forth by “society” an individual might feel different, they might feel outcast, and they might be judged by others who can’t understand why they are not going along with the program like a good citizen. This can lead to self doubt and uncertainty. This can lead to despising or hating oneself.
At least, for a long time, that’s what happened to me. In more recent years I have learned to love myself and ignore societies (and yours) expectations. I do what I want, I dress like I want, I talk like I want, I eat what I want, and I make an effort to not pay too much attention to the opinions of people who I do not value. Yes, I do still struggle with my weight and sometimes I feel fat and ugly. But it’s gotten a lot better over the last ten years, and even more specifically, the last two years. For a long time it was like my own personal hell, a struggle I dealt with mostly in private while the world told me I need to put on some weight so I can be a real man. Now I know that I am just as much a human as anyone else, no matter how thin I might be. I now embrace my natural weight, strive for a healthy and active lifestyle, and love myself.
The journey continues…
I am an investigative journalist and liberty activist; a Lead Investigative Reporter for ActivistPost.com and the founder of the TheConsciousResistance.com & The Houston Free Thinkers. I have also co-authored three books with @johnvibes: The Conscious Resistance: Reflections on Anarchy and Spirituality and Finding Freedom in an Age of Confusion, Vol. 1 and Finding Freedom in an Age of Confusion, Vol. 2
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As a tall and skinny kid, growing up i was on the receiving end of a lot the same jokes. They made me feel inferior. And growing up without my dad around, I was never introduced to being active and working out like most of the other kids i grew up around. This also lead to me holding a lot of resentment and anger inside. But ultimately this taught me that I am the only one who can teach myself to be a "man" because no one else is going to do it for me. Looking back it was a bit of a blessing because I had to learn early that I am the only in control of my life and the direction i want to take it is solely my responsibity.
Thanks for sharing Derrick
It is the most freeing feeling when we get to the point where we do exactly what we want and have confidence in ourselves and our bodies. Society definitely drills in insecurities. Fuck society and fuck what people think.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences! Self esteem is really important. It starts from with in.
You're an awesome person just the way your are
Just remember:
You are beautiful
You are powerful
You are free
Much love brother. Telling myself those 3 sentences has really helped me
I, admittedly, have a hard time understanding where these types of concerns/feelings come from. I've always intuitivly known that matter doesn't matter. It's the spirit of entities that has value or not. When folks get bent out of shape over any physical appearances, whether body or possesions, I cannot understand that anxiety. Now health concerns I can wrap my head around. Being that time is my most valuable commodity, I want my bag of meat to be in good health to secure opportunities for good works. We're all supposed to be different in most every way, that is where the beauty of this world is hiding; in our differences.
Thanks for share @dbroze
That was a touching article @dbroze. It's good to hear that you are in a more healthy, healed and balanced state now. Sending good energy your way <3
Thanks for the experience you shared @dbroze, this is very useful for me. @myaceh
Hopefully with the steemit we are looking for easy add-ons
You're perfect in every way possible. I hate to hear that you had those troubles and I hope nothing but the best for you in all of your endeavors. I've always thought you were the most handsome fella I've ever encountered online or otherwise. Actually had a long term crush on you but now truly getting to know your personal experiences, I've gained an even deeper respect for you and your work. Thanks for helping me to grow as an individual and to discover so much knowledge I may have otherwise missed out on!
A very honest post. Such a hard time for you, having worked with people who self-harm I know the trauma it can cause. Great to hear you can talk about it now and overcome it. An inspiration to many I am sure :). 💯🐒
You write like a teenage girl what the hell dude
I haven't trusted anyone who wears sleeveless shirts for years.
I criticized your use of fbork for your live show, you stopped using it, now your 4-post-over-2-years friends cast aspersions on me? whats up with you and your team of interns posting these 'im ok being myself' posts?
i thought you were supposed to be an investigative reporter, what are you investigating with 'dbsoc' besides your own bullshit?
I didn't accuse you of being skinny I accuse you of being a cop. and shitty writer too.
Glad you have learned to love yourself! Expectations for men and women are coming to an abrupt end I feel. But not before there's a lot of confused and sad people who are caught in between trying to ignore those expectations and the people making fun of them for not living up to their own expectation of masculinity or femininity. It takes a lot to move past those feelings.