It's tough when someone departs from the world too early. A friend of mine died last week, and I felt a moment or two of inexplicable pain. It's not that we were so close that we talked every day. But we knew each other and whenever I talked to him, I felt happy. I was glad that, somewhere in the back of my mind, he existed; he was real.
This week, I got an unnerving text message from a friend that he was with us no longer. It took me a while to process it. I felt numb. I had just talked to him a few months ago. His cancer was holding him back, but he sounded so strong. But sometimes, it seems, strength isn't enough. A body has it's limitations, and it was his time to leave.
This is the second time a friend has died in a year. I am a young man, and this shouldn't be happening. No fellow young man should get cancer when they are 20. Especially not a good human being, who has a lot to offer to the world.
Alas, life is a cruel mistress at times. So I did what I had to do to cope. One of the things I realized in coping, interestingly, was that I was very happy that I had always been kind to this guy. I looked through my chat history with him, and it always seemed like we got along, and we liked each other. I always did my best to raise his self confidence, and we hung out when we could.
The point is, I got closure from his death a little by reflecting how I had behaved with him while he was alive. And I tried my best to be a good friend. Nobody knows when other people die, so we should all strive to be our best to each other while we are in this world. As far as I see, we have a limited amount of time in this world, and each moment is of the essence, especially when you are sharing it intimately with one another.
I still feel weird about it. It's been 4 days since I've found out, and I had a lot of good times in between. But there has been this permeating sadness. It will subside soon, but I almost feel as if it is right to mourn properly, allow yourself time to grieve.
It takes emotional maturity to not get too obsessive over death, yet still find the right balance of grief. If you push emotion away, you become an android. If you distill it, further and further, you become a lunatic, completely taken with the past. It's tough. No one teaches you how to handle someone dying when you're young. And no one is completely right in the end.
At these times, it is best to make sure you are not putting yourself in any kind of danger inadvertently, as so often happens when such news comes your way, things often take a turn for the worst.
I will miss him, no doubt, but I'm happy at the opportunity to reflect, and hopefully, even through this shitty experience, I can bear the fruits of being a better person in the end. Rest in peace.
