Im finally on my way to putting my life back together.. thats what part of it i still have. When I was growing up I was just like any other boy. I liked all the normal things the other kids did, playing outside, exploring the woods and nature, use the computer, normal things kids my age liked to do. I also had a need to tear things apart, and figure out how they work, and hoped I could put them back together before they became permanently broken; but thats one way I wish i didn't go about my life.
I grew up living with my mom and sister after my parents had divorced when I was too young to know the difference. I remember living in womens shelter at one point with them. I remember my mom sending me to my grandparents house to stay for a few nights a week because my mom had got hurt at work and needed some type surgeries. During this time i spent every minute of every day with my grandfather. He was my like what my dad should have been, he was the man I looked up to. I eventually went back to stay with my mom an older sister in our own house, which was only a mile away from my grandparents. My sister went to a Christian school and talked my mom into making me go too. I already went to church with my grandparents every Sunday. From second grade up until the sixth grade I attended a Christian school. I truly didn't like it, and I begged to go back to my regular school and half way through sixth grade I had gotten my wish. At my new school I had a horrible first few days, with kids teasing me and just generally bullying me. So at that point i would do anything to make a friend, and the friends that I did make, I made them my best friends. Meanwhile my mom had gotten a new boyfriend, who ended up moving in with us. I liked him at first, he was cool. But soon that changed, he began to be mean to us here and there. My mother was a great mom tho, She made sure I had brand new nice clothes to wear, she made sure I was always fed and never went hungry and pretty much she did spoil me and do everything in the world for me. My sister graduated, and went off to college. So it was just us three living at the house. My moms new job left her working night turn doing 12 hour shifts, so she slept the majority of the day, and worked all night. I was able to do pretty much anything I wanted. There was no real "law" at home.
One day my friend came over and he wanted to go up the street to smoke pot with some other kids from school that i didn't talk to. I did it just to fit in, and that my first experience doing anything. I started talking to a girl who lived across town. She originally was friends with my best friend first. So basically i ended up stealing her off of him. Her brother went to my school and he was one of the more popular kids, so fitting in with him was awesome. One day we got to talking and he mentioned Oxycontin. This was the first real time i have ever heard anyone mentioning that.One day i was in our kitchen cabinet getting a coffee cup i knocked down some of my moms pill bottles. When I was putting them back I looked at the labels out of a pure curiosity, and one of them had that name I had just heard of; OxyContin 40MG QTY:210. So trying to just fit in, not knowing what I was about to get myself into I took a few of them, and when i saw my girlfriends brother again I asked him about it. He said we could sell them for at least $20 a piece. So we arranged to sell some and In return I told him he could have a few. I was getting rich, and fast, (for a 16 year old without a job). So id help myself to a few more every time i needed some money, and id call Josh. Well I started getting attention from much older people, and more random people that I didn't know, just coming up to me and asking If I had any of the goods. Being stupid and young I would sell them to anyone who would ask. One night I had gotten very curious sitting home alone one night. I thought to myself, Why do people pay so much for these stupid little pills? What do they even do? So I crushed one on the end of my beds foot board and snorted it. Inpatient me, didn't feel anything in the initial first 20 seconds so I did it again with another one. By the time I put my head up and sniffled one time I was in a whole different world. The next few years were a large blur. I remember meeting up with other people and I put myself into the streets in high school. I was selling and using OxyContin, and then due to my curiosity, not even knowing what cocaine was or was suppose to do, I managed to track some down. I bought an 8 ball and me and my one friend at the time went off and hung out until it was gone. That became my new love, and daily must have. I started buying by the quarter and half ounces and selling enough to cover my uses. The coke I could get in one town, before it got all chopped up was worth double in my town, because I didn't stomp all over it. It didn't matter where I was, I had something on me at all times, I even would do lines of coke out of text book in high school during class. I would drink beer in the parking lot at lunch. I was living and partying like a rockstar all of my senior year. My grades suffered, my attendance suffered, Now that I look back, I realize i am really lucky at all the things i didn't get caught doing when I did it. I have seen some things that i wish I never saw. I have done some questionable things that i wish I have never done. I had no morals and my judgment was not clear and driven by the right powers. I have seen people get robbed, and i got used to seeing guns. If someone felt they had to shoot at someone, then they had to shoot at someone, No one was questioning anybody's moves or trying to stop them. I remember one time, a guy lived on the top floor of this old apartment building and when you went you had to see "uncle" and he would go next door to "nephew" and get what you wanted. Well one day I went up and he took a while to answer the door. I told him it was me and he opened the door. There was this guy, butt naked, welcoming me in and pointing to the bedroom saying business is on hold a minute have a seat. There was a girl I had seen there a few times before laying on bed, except wearing nothing this time, and I was asked by "uncle" if I wanted to do anything with her, and i looked at her, making eye contact, and the look in her eyes was as if she had no shame, and this was unlike any relation i have ever had with a girl before. I politely passed, and he then said "Are you sure? Shes paid for all day!" again I passed. This situation is one i will never forget, how awkward i felt, and how it felt so incredibly wrong. I continued about my business and got of there. I ended making it through school by having an agreement with my principal If all i did was promise to show up, I would pass. As every addict does, you run out of money at some point. My mom eventually caught me stealing her medicine she needed because she had a broken back and torn vertebra's. I also broke into her safe and took cash. Enough that Id have about 6 bitcoins right now.
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My mom was very honest and understanding with me, she accepted my plea to avoid rehab and try my luck at a methadone clinic. She drove me everyday after her 12 hour shift for 2 years and stood by me the entire time. My mom loved me no matter how bad i screwed up and disappointed her. I avoided my grandparents because I was ashamed of what I had done and i felt embarrassed. Although they also were very understanding of me and gave me the 2nd chances I probably didn't deserve. My family will never truly understand how bad I really feel deep down inside. I have been clean now for quite some time, but I don't think it matters to them because I do not communicate with them very much. This is another option I regret, but I have blacksheeped myself from my own family. I deserve to looked down up to, then at least. But I don't think they have ever changed their minds fully, because I have screwed up big enough the first time. I want them all to know I regret my stupid young person decisions. I am working very hard to do something special to show them all I am sorry, and that i appreciate everything they have ever done for me, especially my mom and wanting her to know how much I love her. I don't know who i would be today if i didn't screw up this bad, and I don't know what outlook on life i would have If this experience didn't happen to change how I felt. But I do wish my relationship was mended, and i wish my mom would stop feeling like she screwed up as a mother, because i made all of my decisions on my own. She did not fail at being a mom, in fact she well exceeded the line for the best mother in the world to me.
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