"Sis, please have a moment!"
Raising my head, I tried to catch a glimpse of the young man's face. However, a second later I looked down. We were only one step apart, I backed away slowly, feeling pounding.
Then without thinking much, he immediately said what he wanted to say.
“Sis, why aren't you appointed directly to the committee? If you wait for someone to want it, won't it take a long time?" The young man asked with an astonished expression.
I answered, "We still don't know your character and your outstanding abilities in what field. So, we will leave the rest to you."
The young man replied, "Look, Sis, I'm worried that it will take too long, it's better to just show me, they'll definitely want to show me."
I answered, "Well, we'll just decide on the members straight away."
After he expressed his meaning, he said goodbye and said thank you.
Flash back off
I am a woman who is growing into adulthood. I've never been close to any man. Except late. my father and older brother. Especially regarding the issue of dating. This is a sensitive matter for me.
Many of my relatives or close friends say, "Have you ever liked someone else?"
Frequently asked questions, my mind said.
I answered a series of sentences that were very often expressed by people around me, "Yes, yes, I never liked it. What am I? I am also a human being with a heart."
They answered, "Masa, how come it doesn't seem like you've ever liked a guy?"
"I'm good at hiding my feelings." I answered casually.
Correct. I really liked someone once. very much. However, none of them can make me flutter so much. Feel the turmoil that tickles your body. Blushing and tense just hearing his name. People often call it "Falling in Love".
That's right, I've never felt it.
However, this time it seems I found it.
The story of the struggle of my first love and the very tragic ending.
Since birth until now I am in my twenties, I have never been close to many men. In junior high school, I entered the bilingual class, which is a class of people whose average score is above 8 and which in fact consists of girls.
Even in high school there was no hope... The school plus dormitories were filled with women, who wore the same hijab as me. There is no hope of meeting a man or having a warm conversation. It was just a dream for me. And in fact, I'm not that brave to do something that is taboo for myself.
Then, fate also came to me.
The story of first love, at an age that is too far from its time, I just felt it.
That day, my friends and I were carrying out community service. For 30 days. And in His scenario I met him.
A young man came up to me and tried to talk to me. I felt a strange feeling come over me. Shocked by his attitude and somewhat messy appearance made me reluctant. However, there was a special attraction that made me feel nervous the first time I met him.
My gaze sometimes strayed from him, but I heard his words carefully. Because of my principle, whoever talks to me, I will automatically occasionally look into his eyes.
He spoke to ask about the committee for the activities held by us in the month of Ramadhan, namely "Takjil on the Road". And finally he left by saying thank you.
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Once I talked to him, I knew a few things. He was an indifferent young man, who spoke sparingly. However, it was quite difficult for me to guess his mood. Because a flat expression seems angry, making us afraid that we are wrong or just offending him. The point is you have to be careful with it. And this is a plus point from me for him. I like his attitude like that.
After that day, I never stopped trying to approach the 17 year old teenager. Meanwhile, I have reached my second head. And without knowing myself, I tried to approach him as much as I wanted. I don't even know why I'm like this, I just feel like it while admiring him from afar.
For various reasons, I tried to hunt for moments to make me closer to him. He didn't reject or feel like a rishi, but he didn't show an attitude that felt comfortable with my presence around him. My feelings say so.
Day after day. Time flies very quickly. My busy life is getting busier, making it increasingly difficult for me to contact that young man. However, when there is a little free time, sometimes I try to take that opportunity. And how bad it is, often that free time is at night. So that made me miss him even more frantically, even though he was nothing to me.
Almost every night there is always an interesting topic that we discuss. Actually, there are no feelings in our online chats, just questions or greetings. But sometimes, I feel jealous of his thinking which seems to prioritize logic. I still can't do that.
Until finally, when it was too late at night. He stopped our conversation by saying, "That's all for now, sis, it's getting late. I'm afraid of adultery." I stared, feeling guilty.
He typed without emotion. But it ended up making me emotional.
I feel like I've been bashed online. Embarrassed. As a woman, I should be able to maintain my attitude, but why am I acting like a wild horse?
And henceforth, after finding out he was like that, I always took the initiative to end the online chat between us.
However, once again. That adds a plus point to my admiration and liking for him. I don't know, I think I've become stupid.
After a few days, my admiration grew even more. I know a lot of information about him. The chaos of life and various other things. But until the end there was nothing between us. Turns out I was the only one feeling flustered. I'm the only one who blooms in the shower of love. Shackled by uncertainty.
I tried to stay away and tried to forget it. However, why is it so difficult?
This popcorn has caught my heart. Beating because of him.
At the end of the service period, there was a momentum that made me feel like I was close to him again. I know, it will hurt if I try to approach him again. But what can I do, Satan's lust and deception have really made me fall into the valley of disobedience. I was persuaded to approach him again.
I continued to stare at him in silence, not daring to greet him. I wanted to try to trace what he was actually thinking, but it was too difficult for me to understand.
Since there was a misunderstanding between the service participants and the youth, our relationship has become increasingly loose. Not even meeting him in an online chat is enough to make me confused and frustrated. I feel like this is no longer okay.
Is it so difficult to pursue this love? Ages are far apart and truly impossible to achieve, why should I be the one to feel it?
5 days before returning home, there were no words between us. More precisely, he didn't reply to my online chat. I don't know, maybe he knows that I admire him or have too high expectations of him. I don't know for sure.
My mind said that the day before he went home he would send a message, just to say hi and say thank you.
And it turns out to be true.
He came back only to say thank you and various other expressions of advice. I felt like he was typing words very quickly, it didn't even seem like he double-checked the message he had sent me. "Very clever," my mind said.
Then, I returned his thanks. and without awkwardness, I asked about his personal problems. “Have you ever dated?” I asked hesitantly,
he answered "Never". I melted when he made it.
It turns out that there are still men in this millennial era who are not dating. How about this? I developed more and more admiration for him.
Then he answered my questions at length, why, how, etc. Followed by the question, "Have you ever smoked?", and so on. And all the answers satisfied me and amazed me even more.
Behind his "ignorance" there are thoughts he hides. The thoughts that make him want to change civilization, especially the morals of teenagers, who are getting crazier and more uncontrollable day by day.
He is a closed figure and not easy to approach. In fact, I never saw a single young woman wandering around him. Really, what a thrilling indifference.
Even after I was home, I still chatted with him on the online chat application. In fact, it is being done more and more intensively. Morning, afternoon, evening and even night. Indeed, there was no special conversation. Just discussing the increasingly chaotic present. And religious issues related to teenage activities. However, it adds to my knowledge of the ideology of a young man who I call "The Dreamer of Change". There is so much knowledge from him that he says is still difficult to spread to the people around him.
One day, I firmly said that I admired him. He didn't respond immediately. Maybe you are confused about what to answer. Then a few minutes later he replied to my message as is. It's always like that, just the way it is.
In essence, he refused. He didn't have any special feelings like that for this older brother. And he prioritizes the life he is currently living, namely as a student.
Instantly I collapsed, it felt like my world was collapsing, my image was destroyed. Aaahhh, I'm so embarrassed.
It is all over. Enough. It's finished.
I know I can't. Even from the start, I knew it would turn out like this.
And for the last time, he ended it all. But it's still appropriate to say, thank you for wanting to be friends with him.
He said goodbye without looking back.
Then, what about me? I'm still in this place, still waiting for a good possibility from him. A possibility that could even threaten me a second time. When I cursed myself, I didn't realize it, my tears just escaped. I feel the deepest pain now. My first love story was not as good as I hoped.
For the umpteenth time, I knelt down and asked Him for forgiveness. Lord of the universe for the mistakes I have made. The sins I have committed. Mistakes covered in beauty.
Now, I know. I can take life from the story about me, that hoping for anything other than Him is preparing heartache and even inviting His disaster.
I will use this fate as a lesson for my life.
The thrilling indifference has gone and was greeted with a heartbreaking smile.
Allah, I will not repeat the story that happened not because of you.
And I pray that I will soon be met with the man of my dreams who will take care of me and take me to your heaven with him.
Short story written by: Euis Lusyana
Blog: Euisslusya.blogspot.com
Is this a short story like Falling in Love? is a short story by Euis Lusyana , you can visit the author's special page to read his latest short stories.
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