This is my entry in Finish the Story held within the @bananafish realms.
by @Brisby
Midnight barbs hooked Sedra’s duster as she sped through the bramble underbrush atop Nox. Errant envy for her psi-meleon’s iridescent scales fluttered within her mind. Perfect. I'm going to look like a bedraggled porcupine.
Beneath her legs, Nox’s sides twitched in time to the clicks his tongue made. His right eye rolled back to meet her gray gaze, mirth shining within the amber orb.
“Har-Har, my impudent beastie.” Sedra flushed, blonde brows furrowing with disdain while kicking a thrasher vine from her boot.
“I couldn’t give a trotter’s tail if Blayne has a thing for quills. He better have a damned good reason for trespassing into our Catacombs.” It didn’t take a psionic bond to interpret Nox’s responding chortle of clicks. She snapped back with a huff, “Who taught you about that? See if I rustle up eels for you anytime soon.”
Rumbling deep within his throat, Nox tensed and sprang to the left. Claws dug into the thick ochra bark of the tree before scrambling up to the outspread branches. His tail waved, readying for a leap before easing down to lie along its length. The frustration radiating from his rider ignored to admire the back of his eyelids.
Sedra clung to her mount, her excitement to be taking the treeline route thwarted by the lizard’s love for his favorite treat. “Nox! This is NOT the time for a tantrum!” Snaking out, the psi-meleon’s tongue hung limp from its mouth, letting her know that he could do this all day.
Bristling, she channeled a fine line of energy to the tuned topaz on her wrist. A bit of rezzing would get his stubborn ass up. Threading the loop with her mind, the aquamarine gem began to spark. Before she could release the resonation to zap Nox’s toe, he slid from his perch to hang upside down from the branch. His smug clicking dared her to go ahead and try it while they were dangling a hundred feet above the forest floor.
The soft light dimmed within her topaz. Like hers, his was an empty bluff. Keeping her grip tight, her thumb rubbed Nox’s hide in capitulation. “Alright!" she growled. "Three eels before bed if you can get us to The Well and back before they notice we’re missing.”
Triumphant pride purred within the air. Nox swung around to the branch’s top, tensed and leaped the expanse to the neighboring tree. Thrilling from the feel of the wind in their faces, the two raced towards the forest's edge. Both girl and beast let the rush of the journey override their unspoken dread.
Beyond the green was a showdown with a man who had been their friend. Within moments, they'd be facing their betrayer. One who had abandoned them to fend for themselves so that he could take possession of The Well.
MY ENDING
She and Nox gawked at the Quinta da Regaleira from high above in the trees. The gentle breeze brought with it a fool smell - the Pale Cupids were out there, waiting, lurking, hunting them. She looked around her, as did Nox. Neither saw anything out of place, but the smell got worse.
In a flash, before Sedra could respond, Nox was on the shady side of the tree as two arrows punctured and poisoned the tree on the sunny side. The tree started to crumble from the infection.
Like a bucking bronco, Nox lurched from tree to tree, each time dodging two more arrows and escaping a disintegrating tree.
Sedra charged her topaz as she hung on, waiting for a glimpse of the Pale Cupids.
Nox sensing where the twins were at, ran up a tree and, when he reached the top, jumped off, doing a Double McTwist 1260. In the last turn of the move, before Nox landed on a branch and swing-boarded to another, Sedra let her electric bolt fly, which caught both of the twins in the heart as it passed through one and then the other, killing them both.
"Nice moves," she said as she stroked her scaly friend's side. "Now get us into the estate."
Nox scrambled through and out of the hunting room, the 'cycle of life' throughout the room made Sedra reflect on the mishap that happened within the catacombs, into and out of the Octanganal room before she blinked, into the King's room, her ancestor hung in the picture frames - their still glares grazing her eyes with disappointment - and jumped out the fifth-story window. Nox hit the ground running at full speed.
Just up ahead, The Portal of the Guardians, which led into the Well, which is where they found Blayne standing in front of.
Nox came to a sliding halt. Sedra jumped off.
With his back turned, Blayne said, "The town changes, but, the well, it will always remain. So nice of you to join me."
"Blayne," her voice was hoarse and raspy, "Return the quill and you live."
"if I don't?"
"You die," she said plainly, flatly, regrettably.
Nox moved to the right in an attempt to circle around Blayne.
"A binary choice." Blayne turned to look at her and the lizard. Nox stopped in his tracks, still as a ghost. "The ceremony must take place inside of the well, Sedra."
Sedra saw the quill in his hand.
"You want this? ... tisk-tisk." Blayne raised a hand as fire aimed at Sedra shot forth.
Dodging, she countered with ice, hitting his hand and making it freeze.
Nox rushed Blayne as he fell to his knees.
Blayne held his head down until Nox was five feet away and then in one swift motion stood up. Spikes from the ground impaled Nox's underbelly and lifted him off the ground.
"NO!!!" Sedra screamed.
Blayne chuckled.
Sedra rushed Blayne. Not getting five feet, she was struck with an arrow in the back. More Pale Cupids. The toxic smell invaded her nose even with blood dripping out of it. She dropped to her knees.
Blayne turned and headed down into The Well.
I'm not so happy with the way this one went. I really felt like the 500-word limit killed me this time as my mind started to create pages of what was going to happen inside and outside of this unique building, Quinta da Regaleira, my inspiration for this story. Such is life.
I could have ditched my beginning fight scene to come up with something else too, but I couldn't because it was so badass (at least in my mind).
There was just so much to go on from the first written half that I had an extremely difficult time choosing something to go with within the frame we work with here.
| Previous | Finish the Story Contest | Entries | ||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| The Town That Changed | Even the Clouds Smile | The Border | Horror Vacui | When the Tundra Calls |
| Black Star | Quitting Life | LER | It Awakens | 1st place Coaster Town |
| Apocalypse and Pretzels | Metallic Kisses | Curie upvoted The Battle of Bloodneck Valley | Awakening | Curie Upvoted Skin Deep |
| Curie Upvoted Obstinancy | The Last Will and Testament of Geralda Connors | Curie Upvoted Pirate Hunters | Spoon-fed Memories | Lucid Dream |
| The Taste of Chicken | Curie upvoted Hunt More Precious Than a Green Stone | Kayla | Curie Upvoted The story of Mr. Renhe Ren | Second Prize Winner Blue Inferno for Tres Culos |
| Leitner | Collaboration A Game in the Hall | Curie upvoted The Extraodrdinary Café | The Package | Curie Upvoted The Abysmal Biscuit |
| The Devisal of Mr. Dankworth | Pointy Eyes Shine in the Dark | Foreigner | Curie Upvoted The Church | 3rd Place Tired Eyes |
| 2nd Place Vanilla | Curie upvoted and 2nd place The Stairs |
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Some coins you may want to grab -
twenty-four-hour short story - You gotta be quick to get this one posted in time. He posts the contest on Sunday (usually) and ends it about 48 hours later. This contest has a 2000 word limit.
Finish the Story Contest - The contest begins on Wednesday (usually) and ends 5 days later. This contest will test your write skills with something a little different each week. Plenty of time to write something around the 500 word mark.
Steem Monsters Common Card Fantasy Story Contest! - Coming out roughly every week. If you enjoy card games like Magic, Yugio, and others like it, you might like this game. Write a fictional tale about the card they present in the contest and your entry just might be the one they choose to showcase.
Tell A Story To Me, And Win 5 SBD! Writing Contest - Kind of random when it comes out but don't worry. You will have two weeks to complete your work of art from the given prompt. Have fun!
Haiku - These are coming out every couple days or so. If you struggle with rhymes, no worries. Haikus don't have to rhyme. All you need to make a haiku is five syllables on the first, seven syllables in the second line, and again back to five syllables for the last line. So easy it makes me think I'm being super productive. LOL
Mizu No Oto - Every Image Has Its Haiku Contest - By reading the title, you should be able to guess how this haiku contest works. You're given an image and you write. I've really enjoyed this contest because there are people here who've actually gone to classes to learn how to write haiku's; so if you want, you also can learn how to write quality haikus from reading the comments and critiques they and others give.
Micro-Fiction Writing Contest - This is a fun challenge. You get two-hundred and fifty words to tell a story or vignettes. Here is a great post that will explain the difference between the two concepts. Here is another post explanation of what a story is. Good luck, Brave Story Writer!
Vocab-Ability 1x1 - What happens is you are given a list of roots and the words they can be found in. You create a sentence using those words and post in the comment section of the post. Your upvote for your creative work will come soon. One of the best ways to increase your vocabulary is by doing these 10-15 minute exercises almost daily. What craziness will you create?
Hey Tristancarax, I haven't read it yet. Did a word check and found 530. Congratulations. Looking forward to seeing how that worked out. Get back to you tomorrow....
An amazingly dynamic beginning. Disappearing trees, the smell. I followed the action easily. I see in the second part where you have a mythology developing, a reality with a complex background. This is likely where you ran into trouble with the word count. I believe I can see where you cut.
I think you do have two or three stories going here, not just one finish the story. Your imagination was captured and it took off. What a wonderful thing, to see so vividly what you want to write.
You did a good job tamping down creative ambition, but perhaps this was the wrong vehicle for such an evolved story. I found it very readable and interesting. I like especially that you didn't feel the need to save Noz and Sedar. Not all stories have happy endings, but it takes courage to kill off the protagonist. I admire that courage.
You are an interesting writer. Your greatest challenge I think (may I suggest this without seeming arrogant?) will be to structure your pieces and discipline your style to match the environment in which you find yourself.
Hope you don't mind an extended answer. Of course, I can be wrong, wrong, wrong. All I can do is off my well-intentioned opinion :)
The beginning was much fun to write. That second part - I could figure it out within the limit this time around. Yes, so much was going through my mind, but I had to find a way to end the story. I agree with it being the wrong vehicle this time around.
Sometimes, yes, the protagonist dies. lol.
I had so much trouble going with the style of this piece, it sent me for a loop. And, since you have read my stuff, would you mind expanding further on what you mean by the structure and the discipline. Are there any video examples that you would have me look at so that I can get a better grasp on what you are speaking to?
I don't have videos. What I would recommend is that you look up flow charts. These have nothing to do with writing. Programmers use them (no, I'm not a programmer), but what they do is help you to formulate a plan, a plot--anything, so that your activity follows a logical progression. It's almost like a fancy outline. As you get in the habit of thinking that way, you begin to think in terms that are organized. Things literally flow more logically.
Your pieces right now are definitely logical but with flow chart thinking you could see the relationship between the separate parts in your pieces better, I think.
This paragraph, for example:
Nox scrambled through and out of the hunting room, the 'cycle of life' throughout the room made Sedra reflect on the mishap that happened within the catacombs, into and out of the Octanganal room before she blinked, into the King's room, her ancestor hung in the picture frames - their still glares grazing her eyes with disappointment - and jumped out the fifth-story window. Nox hit the ground running at full speed.
Where did that come from? What does it follow? I know you have something in your mind, but it is not clear to the reader (this reader). With a flow chart, you get to see linkages, connections. If these are missing, the gap will be evident.
I think writing has to interesting. It has to be vivid and engaging. But most of all, it has to be clear. The reader should not have to work to understand your meaning. I know it is fashionable among some writers to be obscure, but I don't think this is great writing. I think great writing takes the reader on a journey into the writer's universe, and does so without making the reader work hard.
Now I may be completely wrong. We all have our own ideas about writing esthetics. That's mine.
What you have--imagination, style, energy--cannot be manufactured. The other stuff--organization and structure--that's just the ABCs of writing. Easy for anyone to master. Certainly for someone with your talent.
This is an awesome constructive critique, in the pure spirit of this [dead?] contest.
I hope the contest is not dead. I know nothing about running contests, but it must take a lot of work. I'm amazed when people make something out of nothing...which is what you did by bringing people together and motivating them. Even if you move on, you have done something from which many people benefitted. What else do we want out of life?
As for my critique--I like @tristancarrax. Young, eager, sincere. If a few words I utter can give him insight into his writing process... that's great.
I hope you are well, and Mrs. f3nix, also. Be creative and positive. I try to be, every day :)
Thank you @agmoore2 🙂 It's nice seeing your reply, some time passed since we exchanged opinions and I hope that everything is great on your end. About the contest, I wish that too but, unfortunately or luckily, my time is drastically limited now. We ran July and August as an organised team and @curie's funds have been well utilised, as promised to them. September was a total blackout for the FtS and I can't give an explanation to that. Adding to this, sadly it seems that @calluna doesn't want to be on steemit anymore. She has her legitimate reasons, I'm just sad for that. To be sincere, I ran so many editions with the sole scope of sharing passion and love for writing. I realized that all those steps that for me were normal and fun for others were, instead, very difficult. So, yes, I suppose that running a contest is an amount of work, but if you have fun you don't feel that load. I overvalued the perspective of a crowd-based, non pyramidal community. Or else, perhaps, it's just the repercussion of the current Steemit crisis, one in which people start to realize that content creation has been outpaced by social relevance and the last has been deeply linked to profit in a sort of perverse dynamic, non fruitful for the long term growth (I don't trust the platform that much, anymore ). Let's try to be positive, as you rightly exhort. I will do things at my pace and we shall see. There would be some awesome ideas to bring on, but the enthusiasm of people is the first, preliminary ingredient. Thanks for asking about life with Mrs F3nix, it feels complete and for the creative part I'm thinking about writing a novel (at last). Now I'm going to read your entry, I will publish the results as it should be and alway have been (this never happened and I'm really sorry with all the participants). Take care!
I may try to incorporate the flow chart idea. I do something similar which is called clustering.
With the jumping out of the window, I was trying to get inside and out of the estate really quick to get into the back where the well was. I think it got confusing because I was trying to make one long sentence instead of breaking it up into several, which may have gotten me all confused as well.
Thanks for your well-intention opinion. 8-)
😂
An adventurous ending, imbued with restless action and interesting hints. Nox performing a Double McTwist 1260 was really something. You rushed a bit in the final but I understand the struggle of packing so much creativity in so little space. Consider it as a push to choose only what's important for your main narrative idea. I will take care of the results, given Brisby's absence.
[EDITED] Removed my comment and my (42 CCC) up-vote. Apparently curating @bananafish contest entries on #creativecoin and pointing out the existence of a CCC based writing contest qualifies as unacceptable behaviour according to @bananafish.
Hi @pibara,
I'm sure the contest you're advertising is very engaging and well-structured, but I think it's inaccurate to call it "finish the story" because this is the specific name of the Bananafish format and could be confusing to readers.
Furthermore, in my opinion you could comment on this post in regards to the story that was written in it, rather than merely drop your link.
In this period, it is rare to find true disinterested engagement and a sincere conversation on creative themes, and this is what we are trying to do with our community.
Have a nice evening!
I've just:
I invited #creativecoin authors to my contest and I've moved all my curation efforts to #fiction and #poetry on #creativecoin because my love for good writing. I frankly don't need the aggregation of inflated ego self-important steemians thinking they own the right to use two English words together, and don't even check a person's posting and curation history before throwing accusations of spam and copycatting at people.
This is called shameless self-promotion and it's so wrong that I don't have to explain further. Let along targeting our contest participants for directing them to your copycat contest. Do what you like but don't spam in other steemians' posts. Next time I won't hesitate and flag you. Learn basic etiquette and, most of all, be respectful.
What are you on about? I'm approaching talented authors of #creativecoin #fiction tagged posts, the same tags I'm concentrating most of my curation, to compete in my #ccc contests. A contest created in support of CreativeCoin. I'm not copycatting anyone. Just check my account history. I've been occasionally tuning fiction related contests as a way to improve my own work while paying forward the opportunities STEEM has granted me, for almost two years now.
Apparently you're not familiar with the concept of not promoting yourself in other steemians' comments section. Tristan's post was a submission to a contest. You advertised your initiative with not even a mention about his writing. Your comment also reveals that you did it automatically (simply based on tags). This is considered spam = flag. We never did it and don't do it, not even when we welcome newbies on #introduceyourself. When we sustain a writer we first read and talk about his writing in that blog. Does it make sense to you or we live in two different space-time dimensions? I'm not even talking about you jumping in a contest submission's post of an initiative that, after 64 editions and almost 2 years running, has a known brand/name, a name which you replicated plain and simple in your comment. Let me tell you that we know a lot of passionate makers of literary contests and we use to respect each other and even collaborate. We don't even dream to jump into their contests and write to their participants: "hey come here I have a contest with the same name but with a super pot and no words' limit". I would really love (no I wouldn't) to see the reaction of tygertyger, jayna or felt.buzz if I do that. I'm sure that they would jump for the joy. I'm sorry for what happened but have to say that in our discord the discussion about this ended up in a nice friendly meeting between Bananafish core members, so everything is for the good. Have to say that all this was pretty ugly. Considering how rare is to meet writers here I would have loved things to go differently.
Apparently you're not familiar with the concept of checking steemd or steemworld before jumping to conclusions and wrongly accusing people of spamming or copycatting.
I think it's best really you mute me and I mute you.
Next to the inability to check the blockchain, you seem to lack the capability to interact with people in civilized way.
I lack the patience to stay polite long with people like yourself who throw accusations at me that are easy enough to falsify on a blockchain based platform that makes such behaviour impossible to hide.
For the record, I moved a large part of my stake to #creativecoin and currently spent 90% of my reading time on STEEM with #creativecoin #fiction and #creativecoin #poetry tagged post. I hand picked potential contestants for my contest from authors of posts I currated, and I never named my contest anything.
Seems my tiny curation universe and your pseudo-tribe (might be wrong, but I didn't find any mention of your "tribe" on any of the tribe-site lists) collided when @tristancarax posted his entry to your branded contest to #creativecoin using a #fiction tag.
For now I'll put up with your rude behaviour and false accusations. I've removed my blacklisting of mentions of your account as that only hurts your contenders who I have no quarrel with.
Next time though when you decide to throw false accusations at me, know I'll make sure our universes will never collide again in the only way I know how: blacklisting mentions of your account from my #creativecoin #fiction and #poetry curation feed.
Hope though it won't have to come to that.
TL;DR and you're not worth my time. Just don't spam again.
Short version: It "is" worth your time to check the blockchain first before accusing people.
It "is" worth your time to check before doubling down on unfounfed accusations.
I'll omit the even shorter version I had in mind because it doesn't pass the rudeness censorship I impose on myself.
I put my added words in the wrong place. Please check under my original comment if you are interested in what I had to say. I do get lost on the platform...need a map :)
Some should tiddy up the place.
This opens so strongly with the action! Arrows flying, trees crumbling, Nox dodging, it's a really good scene. I am really torn about the use of links to images to demonstrate things in your stories, cos it does help me picture things, but then, it takes me out of the immersion of the story.
I love how you build Sedra's character, you give her a depth, plant seeds of potential
It is a delightful feign.
This feels like a story of two halves with a hinge in the middle to connect them, and it does work, but I wonder if the hinge is necessary, or if you could cut forwards in time, but then that hinge is full of feign bits that add to the surprise of the ending.
You really have painted a depth here, with the mention of ancestors, then this, it makes them feel like those who live longer than humanity.... maybe even sickness/aging immortals.
I love your ending so much, the shock and emotion of Nox dying, so quickly followed by Sedra, and how you describe it, it's not over dramatic, and it's measured enough to hit with full impact. It feels like either a fantastic action filled short, (and it very much played out in my mind movie style for me) or the introduction of Blayne ready for a novel!
I love the beginning. So much fun.
Again, I really struggled with keeping this short. I wanted to get in some magic and stuff. I really think I could have gone up to two-thousand words (LOL). The language use of the first half was tough for me to wrap my head around, I loved it though.
I agree about the cut. Again, confused and frustrated I was on how to continue and end the story. 8-)
I love how you, @calluna, tend to make connections that I am vaguely aware of at times. It helps me see better so thank you.
I like your thoughts on my ending. Yes, the beginning of Blayne's tale begins with the death of the one who was in charge of protecting the catacombs. Perfect.