― Haruki Murakami
Rattlesnake Point
Anyone who has fought for his country knows when you come home, wars are never over.
Most wars are secret and hidden, the greatest victories won without battle, with no decorations and no commemorations.
I know. I’ve seen war from both sides and the private wars with yourself are the most taxing.
No one wins a war because you can’t force an outcome, but you can repress resentments that fester sometimes for centuries.
This I know for sure. You can’t sue for peace. Peace is a condition of the heart.
I’m standing at the edge of the Niagara Escarpment staring down at two hawks spiralling above a farmer’s field.
I’ve seen drones do that. I feel a slight frisson and for a moment I’m somewhere else and then I’m back.
Two parallel tracks—one a snowy pass in Afghanistan with Taliban hunkered down thinking they’re safe—the other, a yellow checkerboard field where mice are scurrying from gliding shadows.
And there is no safe place—it’s a myth of a golden country I harbour inside me, but like all utopias it’s literally nowhere—it doesn’t exist.
I squat down, fold my legs under me, lotus style, to eat my lunch. I take a bite of my store-bought chicken sandwich and then stop.
Bismillahi fee awalihi wa akhirihi.
Forgive me, Lord. Blessed are you, King of the Universe, you give me good things to eat and to drink. Blessed be your name.
I say both blessings—two parallel tracks—one tracing a bullet in and out of me—the other, the process of food through my gut.
I’m blessed. I’m here. Many I fought with aren’t. I respect that fact.
I've hiked here. Two hours along the Bruce Trail, so I could have a spartan lunch and then, turn around and hike back to Waterdown.
The view I know―the hawks a bonus I didn't anticipate, but I'm grateful nonetheless. I mean, I'm here and can't get past that, at least, not yet.
I fought my wars and still managed to come back--that's something. I have a Victorian house. I have a life. I have my doubts it means anything to anyone but I'm here and I'm grateful.
Many aren't.
They gave me four promotions. I'm a talking head on CNN. And now, my own show, Shout Back! a Public Forum.
Yeah, I'm blessed―think of that―don't think about fallen friends. Nothing comes of that.
I don't fight hot wars, but culture wars, and I don't even fight them, not really. I don't have skin in that fight.
I think the world's gone crazy. Half thinks they're right and the other half is left trying to figure out wrong from right.
Both sides are gunning for me, figuratively now, maybe literally later, and all I can do is shout back.
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