EAGLE CROW - Episode #8 - A Comedic, Episodic Tale of Action, Espionage, and Waffle House

in #funny8 years ago

Hi-deedly-doo, Eagle Crowers! I know it's been a while since the last episode, so here's a quick refresher: Eagle Crow is the name of one of the characters.

And now, EAGLE CROOOOOOOOOOW!!!


EPISODE 8: This Is What A Shibboleth Is -

[A black bag is pulled off of Gaye's head, and he screams in agony.]

Garbo: “Right, right, I hear exactly what you're saying. You're saying it hurts, you don't like it.”

Gaye: “What the fuck Garbo?! Why?! We're on the same fucking team!!!”

Garbo: “Are we, huh? You know where I shot Flores, beside right in his fucking face? Right in the fucking aorta. Do you guys have some fucking pistol instructor over there who tells people to shoot the aorta? Is that what it is?”

Gaye: “What are you talking about? Please! Help me, cal-- hack, hack, bloody cough – call an ambulance!”

Garbo: “Nope, the curtain has been drawn back. You exposed yourself. Same fuckin' agency as Penelope. I'm guessing she sent you two shlubs to go get me on your own, totally forgetting how completely motherfucking genius I am to have sussed you out with the whole 'shoot you in the aorta' line.”

Gaye: “Yeah. Yeah, actually, it is an instructor. He pounds it into your head during drills. Center mass shot.”

Garbo: “Kills like a bolt of fuckin' lightning. Would have killed Flores right away if I hadn't liquified his cerebellum beforehand.”

Gaye: “Yeah, thanks for letting me – hack, hack, bloody cough – be the one to suffer. Either I get a doctor soon or I'm dead.”

Garbo: “Not before you tell me where that cooze has herself shacked up.”

Gaye: “You can't control when I die, you asshole.”

Garbo: “Well, I can. I have a gun. But I want the opposite of what a gun does. What I can do is this.”

[Garbo sticks the barrel of the gun into Gaye's stomach wound, and he howls in agony again.]

Gaye: “Fuuuuuuuuuuuck! Please! NO!!!!!”

[Garbo pushes in harder, causing Gaye's screaming to grow more intense]

Gaye: “No! No! No more! Okay! She's at a loft on Ortega, on the east side of town.”

Garbo: “Detail, motherfucker!”

Gaye: “It's above the carniceria!”

[Garbo pulls the gun away and stands back up from his kneel]

Gaye: “How did you figure it all out? The aorta thing.”

Garbo: “It's not the first time I've heard it. I try it on people to suss 'em out sometimes. Caught two of you NCIS guys in Chattanooga couple months back, they both threatened me with it. Do you have any other questions or requests?”

Gaye: “Yeah... can you make sure that my pension gets paid out to my grandmother?”

Garbo: “No.”

[With that, Garbo shoots Gaye in the head. Sighing, he surveys his surroundings, and tucks the gun back into its holster. He returns to the motorcycle, and heads back to the actual safehouse. When he arrives, however, the SHO is gone.]

[Eagle has returned to the gas station where Garbo tossed his phone away. He sees it on the pavement, and drives up beside it. Opening the door, he reaches out to pick it up. It's not broken!!! The bezel is kind of fucked up, but the screen remains intact.]

Eagle: “Oh, thank fuck.”

[He immediately pulls up the contact list, and calls Penelope.]

Penelope: “My birdy boy!”

Eagle: “Penelope, did you mean what you told me earlier?”

Penelope: “All of it! I'm so sorry! Eagle, you have no idea, I can't stop thinking about you. This is... I think this is real! I'm scared, Eagle. I don't know how I'm going to do this.. how can I do this job if I care about someone?”

Eagle: “Don't worry about it right now, girl, I need to see you!”

Penelope: “I need to see you!”

Eagle: “Text me your address, I'll be there right away.”

Penelope: “Okay, I'll send it right now! God, I can't wait to taste you again.”

Eagle: “You won't have to wait long, baby. I'll see you soon.”

[As the text comes through, Eagle stares out the windshield for a moment. He pulls up the contact list again, and dials Garbo. Garbo gets the call in-helmet. He flips up the visor before he begins to speak.]

Garbo: “What part of 'wait the fuck here' do you not understand?”

Eagle: “Garbo, Penelope gave me the address for where she is. I'm going to text it to you.”

Garbo: “Yeah? I already got it. On Ortega, right?”

Eagle: “That's what she texted. 6233.”

Garbo: “Yeah, Gaye didn't have the number.”

Eagle: “Gaye?”

Garbo: “Yeah, fuckin' Gaye and Flores, man. They work with Penelope.”

Eagle: “What the fuck?”

Garbo: “Yeah, they had me fooled, too. He slipped up, I caught it. They both showed up at the address I gave load
ed for bear. I got there first, though.”

Eagle: “Damn, man... they seemed like chill guys, too.”

Garbo: “Oh, they're chill now, that's for damn sure. So uhh... what caused the turnaround with sugartwat before hearing about Gaye and Flores?”

Eagle: “I didn't buy it, man. She tried to kill me before to lure you in. She basically admitted to being a sociopath, too, so that's pretty much where the trust ends.”

Garbo: “Well, I'm glad your nose took over for your dick finally. Sniffed you out a honeypot. I appreciate you giving me the lead. This is a trust moment, Crow, so expect to get one question answered when I get back.”

Eagle: “Just do me one favor.”

Garbo: “Seriously, Crow?”

Eagle: “Just... don't talk about what you do tonight. Don't bring her up ever again.”

Garbo: “Well, I have to do a report, but... yeah, I won't discuss it in any location within which you may be in earshot. I can do that.”

Eagle: “Okay. I'm going back to the safe house.”

Garbo: “Yeah you are.”

[Garbo ends the conversation, and he gets back on the bike, flipping the visor down. He takes off back down the road, heading toward Ortega street.]

[Meanwhile, Eagle's phone rings. The name on the screen: Harmony.]

Eagle: “Shitfuck.”

[He swipes to answer.]

Eagle: “Harmony!”

Harmony: “Eagle, what the fuck is going on?!”

[Harmony is bawling as she talks.]

Harmony: “Eagle, my daddy! Someone... Eagle, what do you know?! People are saying you know something about who... h-hurt my daaaaddy!”

Eagle: “Harmony, no, listen, I promise I didn't anything to do with that!”

Harmony: “You don't sound surprised to hear that my DADDY is dead, Eagle! Why is that, exactly???”

Eagle: “Harmony, please, baby, I didn't start this! We have to talk! Remember the guy who blared the fuckin' Norah Jones? That guy is CIA! He's not a Fed, he was never interested in your dad at all! He's fighting some kinda.. weird.. government gang fight, I don't even know all the details yet, but he's blackmailing me to get me to work for him!”

Harmony: “You know the guy who killed daddy?! Where can I find him?!”

Eagle: “No, he didn't kill your dad! That was another CIA agent. This is... it's been a really complicated week since I last saw you, baby, I really just want to see you again. Can we meet up soon?”

Harmony: “No, it's... even if you're telling me the truth, it's not just me looking for you. Dice has been out since daddy was killed, looking for you.”

Eagle: “No... fuck, Dice?”

Harmony: “I can try to call him.”

Eagle: “Please! Yeah, please call Dice and tell him not to murder me please!”

Harmony: “You had better be telling me the truth, Eagle!”

Eagle: “I swear, baby! It's this CIA guy. Garbo.”

Harmony: “Fine. I'll call Dice. Where can he find this Garbo guy?”

Eagle: “Oh, he's not going to want to go after Garbo. That guy is good. He's actually going to kill some other CIA agent right now, so Dice shouldn't get in the middle of that.”

Harmony: “We're talking about Dice. Where's the guy going?”

Eagle: “I'll text you the address, but I don't think it's going to work out for Dice. These are people who will shoot RPGs at each other. I've seen it.”

Harmony: “No shit? I heard about that.. wow, that's what we're dealing with here, huh?”

Eagle: “It's fucked. Do you still want the address?”

Harmony: “Yeah. Dice is good.”

Eagle: “Explosion-dodging good, yeah. Alright, bye.”

Harmony: “Eagle...”

Eagle: “Yeah?”

Harmony: “You'd better not be lying to me right now.”

Eagle: “Harmony, I swear. This is the most fucked up shit I've ever been involved in in my whole life. I want it to be over just as soon as you do.”

Harmony: “Okay. I love you, baby. Text me the address.”

Eagle: “Okay.”

[Eagle hangs up the phone. He texts the address to Harmony, who receives it immediately. As she closes the text, a phone call comes through, just displaying an unknown number. She answers.]

Harmony: “Hello?”

Penelope: “Hi! My name's Penelope. Do you have a minute to talk?”

[Across town, Garbo arrives at Ortega street. He parks the Ducati behind a nearby gas station, taking the helmet off and clasping it to the handlebars. He picks up his phone and makes a call.]

Chelsea: “Yyyyyello'?”

Garbo: “Hey, it's me. What kind of hardware do you have on you right now?”

Chelsea: “Hmm? What's going on?”

Garbo: “Penelope fuckin' Bellows is about to meet her fuckin' sweet-assed maker, that's what. Hook me up with something good if you got it.”

Chelsea: “Well where are you right now?”

Garbo: “Ortega street. Behind a fuckin' Citgo. Get here!”

Chelsea: “Okay, okay! What, are you looking for something in an automatic? Or are you going to blow up a building? What should I bring?”

Garbo: “Bring everything short of anything that would incite thermonuclear war.”

Chelsea: “... I'll put a list together. Give me fifteen minutes.”

Garbo: “You take whatever you think is just under enough for me to kill you for, you got it? Get here right now.”

Chelsea: “Fine, fine! Bye!”

[As Garbo is finishing his call, we see him from a distance, across the parking lot. The throaty growl of a Harley suddenly roars through the air, and a bike stops right in our view. A single leather boot steps off the bike and onto the ground. On the side of the boot, a pair of dice, run through together by a bloody knife.]

[Episode end. Closing theme: Spiderbait cover of Black Betty by Ram Jam.]