A Sex Guide for Men 50 and Beyond
When I joined Steemit in August 2016, I was informed that the demographic for Steemit was 25 to 35 year-old, white males. The article that follows goes squarely against the grain of that demographic, but I will take my chances, because I think the Ideas here are relevant to young men as well as senior citizens like me. So hang in there young bucks and learn some valuable stuff from an old fart that has been around the block a time or two.
"Been There, Done That"
This article is about eliminating, once and for all, the myths related to sex and men's sexuality at age 50 and beyond. If you are younger than 50, then just remember you heard this somewhere before.
This article is a compilation of anecdotal evidence, scientific and medical research literature, and the author's personal experience. The fundamental message here, which clearly and emphatically stated, is that “A robust sex life for a male and his partner age 50 and beyond is not only possible, but necessary for a healthy, positive, longer life span.
The author has surveyed a large amount of literature on this subject. He has matched this information with his own experience, spread over three marriages, and intimate relationships with over forty women.
He has written this article, dedicated to his fellow male travelers to prevent them from falling victim to popular, misguided, misinformation about sex and aging.
If there were a theme song for this book, it would have to be that Country & Western favorite, “I'm Not As Good As I Once Was, But I'm As Good Once As I Ever Was.”
“Keeping A Smile on Your Face”
What is this article is about? Not long ago, a large percentage of the U.S. population believed that there wasn’t, and shouldn’t be any sex drive or interest in sex after age 60. Some people were convinced that the decline in sexual interest “naturally” started as early as age 50. That is why I have changed to title of this article from “A Sex Guide for Men over 60” to “A sex Guide for Men 50 and Beyond.”
Although it’s rarely talked about, sex after 50 is stereotyped by labels such as “Horny old broad” or “Dirty old man.” These stereotypes tend to perpetuate the myth that senior citizens should have no interest in sex and should be asexual.
There are still too people many who believe that myth. Where does that leave the females that are 50 and beyond? These women, who, finally free of the specter of an unwanted pregnancy, are ready to spread their sexual wings. What about the couple that have been married twenty-five to thirty years that are stuck in that myth? Not only have they let their sexual interest decline, but they have allowed themselves to think its “bad” to seek a robust sex life. In that scenario everyone loses. The man shrinks into long, drawn out golf matches and the wife takes to knitting to sublimate her strong, post-menopausal sex urges.
Modern medicine and enlightened thinking have begun to explode the sexual demise myth, since according to sex experts, people in their 80’s and 90’s are seeking and finding an outlet for their still vibrant sexuality.
It may comfort the reader to know that Dr. Stephanie A. Sanders from Kinsey Institute’s Sexual Research Group says, “There is no age limit on sexuality and sexual activity.” While frequency and performance ability may be conditioned by the normal physiological aspects of aging, the scientific findings are that men and women between the ages of 50 and 80 are still enthusiastically engaged with the idea and practice of sex and intimacy.
According to a Duke University study, “If you stay interested, stay healthy, watch your medication, and have a willing sex partner, you can have good sex all the way to the end of your life. ”The Duke study suggests that “20% of the people over 65 have sex. Hopefully this book will help to improve that statistic to 80% or 90%.
According to Dr. Walter M. Bortz, 70, a professor at Stanford Medical School, and the author of three books on healthy aging and several studies on seniors’ sexuality the old adage applies, “Use it or lose it.” Dr. Bortz goes on to say that, “There’s strong data all over suggests that it’s a matter of survival. People that have sex, live longer.”
This article focuses on the top 10 things men need to know to lead robust sex lives, well beyond their 80th birthdays.
“Going on 80 and Never Felt Better”
My Story -- How I came to Write This Article
From my personal story, you will see what qualifies me to discuss this subject. My life experiences, a considerable amount of scholarly research all combine to give me the background and knowledge to share this information with you.
I am now 79 years-old. I had my first “sexual” experience at age four with my little cousin while playing hide-and-go-seek. At age fourteen, I had my first, very liquid climax with a neighbor girl, which scared the hell out of both of us. At age twenty-one, I read the unexpurgated version of D. H. Lawrence's “Lady Chatterley's Lover,” and decided that that was the way I wanted to make love to women. Over the expanse of two marriages, and a number of intimate liaisons, I created a life of full sexual expression.
At age seventy-four, after a casual conversation about my sexual past, my partner and I realized that I had been intimate with more than forty women, in relationships ranging from one-night stands to as long as twenty years.
That is the experience and research that I am sharing with you, together with observations on how aging has impacted that span of time. In this article, I not only give you the benefit of my experience, but I share with you the wisdom, and the insights gained from seventy-five years of sexual exploration.
My intention is that, as we age together, you will answer the imperatives of a healthy, robust sex life that will add years to your life and that of your partner’s.
Let's start with a list of the top 10 things you should know and practice to age gracefully, and healthfully as the result of enjoying a robust sex life, starting from where you are today and beyond.
Having a commitment to each other's pleasure is the cornerstone of a robust, fulfilling, deeply satisfying sexual partnership. A “robust sex life” Is defined as a sexual partnership built on each partner’s commitment to his (or her) partner being completely fulfilled and satisfied sexually all the time.
“Your Partner is Ready and Waiting”
Here Are the Top 10 Things You Should Know About Sex After 50
There are 10 key things that a male senior citizen can do to step into the void and make sure his woman has a perpetual smile on her face which re-enforces their own smile. Here are the top 10 things a man can (and should) do to continue and even expand his sexual prowess and power by putting a perpetual smile on his lover’s lips.
Let’s take a look at the overall list before delving into the details.
- Have sex and sexuality be all about fun – not obligation or performance, just plain fun
- Slow your roll to emphasize and reconnect with the underlying intimacy related to loving and making love with your special partner
- Understand, appreciate, and celebrate your woman’s physiology, her hormonal chemistry, which is all part of her natural internal chemical processes
- Don’t be reluctant to have mutual discussions about sexuality, the giving and receiving of pleasure, and what it takes to be sexually fulfilled
- Up your oral game. Learn it inside and out, it’s your ace in the hole so to speak
- Forget about limits, social and otherwise – there are none.
- Master the art of being totally present with your lover in every moment you are with her – she will reciprocate.
- Don’t shy away from chemical support. Find a doctor who supports the idea and believes in sexual longevity with or without chemical support.
- Watermelon as an aphrodisiac
- Enhancing sexual endurance
"1 Sex and Sexuality Should Be Fun"
You and your partner should have fun with your sexuality. Unfortunately, some senior citizens take their sex lives and their sexuality much too seriously. So seriously, in fact that it becomes a “problem.”
At our age of sixty and beyond, we have experienced so much of both the good and bad of sex, that we should be able to see the humorous and fun side of things. While we have not seen it all, we still have those memories of the fun times in the bedroom. We remember those awkward moments, when no matter what, we couldn’t coax an erection or when she shockingly and unexpectedly covered you both with female ejaculate. And what about those moments when you surprised her by exploding in her mouth when she wasn’t ready?
Don’t forget those fun times when she was playing coy and you had to rip her panties off while playing the role of the macho conqueror. I am sure as you go down the memory lane of your fun sexual moments; you will discover more and more of them.
Evoking these fun and funny moments from your past with your partner will not only bring you closer, but will open the channels of your minds for an increasing flood of new pleasant, funny memories.
For me, it was about three one morning, when lying spoon fashion and snuggling up to my second wife ‘s large ass with a semi-erection. She suddenly let go with a very large volume of gas (we called those cover-flappers). Instantly and without giving it a thought, I yelled “Medic, Medic !!” loud enough to wake her up. Once fully awake, we spent the next hour laughing our heads off.
I am sure that in your past there lurks a similar if not funnier moment. This is an example of the fun side of sexuality. Reliving those moments brings a stronger emotional bond with your partner and sets you both up to create more of those special moments to savor for the rest of your time together.
"2 Slow Your Roll, Connect With the Intimacy"
Slow your roll. You have certainly heard the phrase, “Fuck like a rabbit.” That applies to our younger days when we couldn’t get into her pants fast enough and we enthusiastically climaxed in two or three minutes. Now in our sixties, we no longer need to rush anything.
I am reminded of an old joke about a young bull and an old bull standing on a hill looking down in the valley at a herd of cows. The young bull saunters over to the old bull and says, “Why don’t we run down there and fuck a cow?”
The old bull replies “Son, why don’t we walk down the hill and fuck them all,”,
Now that you have stopped laughing, I think you see the moral of that little story. Slowing down, conserves our energy and contributes to our endurance and quite possibly, our pleasure.
Several mature women I have interviewed told me they much prefer a slow, gentle approach to making love than being stabbed repeatedly during a sweaty fifteen minute clinch.
So slow your roll. Play with her, tease each other, make it last. Give yourselves time to adjust to new physical and emotional sensations. The art of making love can only be captured over a period of time. This also gives you time to experience the subtleties of your partner’s responses. It takes time to feel all the quakes and trimmers of her body as she builds to orgasm, hopefully multiple orgasms, as she releases into ecstasy.
That is the difference between making love to someone and making love with someone. Slow your roll to maximize the sexual experience for you and your partner. This gives the opportunity to reconnect with the intimacy that initially brought you together.
Endeavor to be a thinking partner. I have always believed that we should spend some time on the intellectual aspects of this very important human activity -- sex. In other words, we should spend some time reading and studying this important human activity.
The mind is a vast storehouse of possibilities. There is definitely an intellectual side to sex and making love. We senior citizens have to take responsibility for acquiring this knowledge to make our golden age, truly golden.
First we have to make a study of the physiology of sex. There is no excuse for a mature man not knowing where his partner’s clitoris is and how to stimulate it. Make at least a brief study of your partner’s sexual apparatus and its structure.
None of us are studying to be medical doctors, but we should know the physical components of each other’s genitalia, how it functions and how to stimulate it. If possible, we should take a look at some of the vast amount of sexual response data gathered by Masters and Johnson during their extensive research into the mechanisms of human sexuality. At first, the charts and graphs describing human sexual response may seem too objective, but knowing the characteristics of her response curve gives valuable insight into why she takes longer to warm up and how her response lasts longer versus yours as a male.
Having knowledge of erogenous zones and how to access them, arms us with the ability to maximize our partner's pleasure. We should know a bit about how the male erectile apparatus works and the different facets of the female orgasm, and how it happens. We should understand the importance of touch as well as how visual stimulus adds to the mix.
Remember knowledge is power and bringing that power to our sex lives can lift it from the mundane to the sublime.
We should empower and encourage our partners to pursue a similar path to intellectual sexual understanding, because it can only lead to a deeper appreciation of our humanity; Somewhere there is a statistic that says only about 50% of women have ever looked at their vaginas. It is difficult to believe that such an important part of who we all are can be so casually ignored.
Just imagine, what it would be like to make love with a partner that knows how to access most of your nerve endings and how powerful it would be if you could access theirs.
At our age, we should have learned most of this stuff, even if only by accident. Why allow yourself be a blind man in the valley of the blind. Open your eyes and see.
"3. Pleasure Begets Pleasure"
In some ancient text it says that, “Those who give pleasure, shall receive pleasure.” If there isn’t such a quote, then there should have been, because it is true. At our sixty-plus stage of life, we should have learned to take pleasure in our partner’s pleasure. We should have arrived at a state of awareness and being where nothing is more pleasurable than experiencing our partner’s pleasure.
Nothing pleases me more than the pleasure I get when I have gotten my partner to the point of continuous orgasms.
This concept of giving pleasure has to be done unconditionally, i.e. without any agenda or payback in mind. It has to be done for the sheer sake of doing it, but not in order to get something. That shouldn’t be an issue at our level of maturity.
This suggests that periodically you should set aside some time to create a lovemaking session that is all about your partner’s pleasure. Find all the ways to give, give, give, and give her pleasure to the point of her exhaustion. Allow your pleasure to derive from her pleasure.
She can create a similar session for you. As a result your intimacy bond will grow without limit. The goal should be to create a perpetual smile on both your faces.
"4. Be Free to Talk About Sex and Sexuality"
For those of us who grew up during my generation or a few generations ago. Talking (or even thinking about sex or sexuality) was a no-no. We were made to believe it was a sin (an affront to God). We weren’t even to say the word. However, free and open discussion or conversation about sexuality and sexual needs, is the glue that creates tighter bonds between partners.
Asking is the primary method of knowing what she wants and needs sexually. Asking is the beginning of understanding. It is also important that she hear your wants and needs. Perhaps sharing an appropriate porno video can be an opening to a deeper conversation. Sharing of sexual fantasy is yet another avenue to a frank and honest, sexual conversation.
Hopefully, at our age, we have the experiences and wisdom to be loving, kind and level-headed in discussing our sexuality. We are old enough to be beyond the tittering stages of false modesty, so that we can matter-of-factually, converse about sexuality and our needs and wants. We are hopefully beyond the shackles of our upbringing and the teenage awkwardness that stifled our previous attempts to freely discuss sexuality, which is our wonderful gift.
"5. Up Your Oral Game"
This is the time in our lives when we need to step up our oral game. Some of us from our generation shied away from expressing ourselves orally.
As a matter of fact, until not too long ago, oral sexual activity was considered taboo. In several U.S. states, it was illegal. People were actually incarcerated for those “perverted” acts. In some cultures and subcultures, it was a definite no, no. For a long time, I felt that way too until I realized it was a simple matter of hygiene. The hygiene issue has faded with the ready availability of showers, making life more olfactorially pleasant. We should however, encourage our partners to not use those abominable “feminine sprays.” Not only do they taste bad, but may contain unhealthy chemicals. Who wants a Twinkie with toxic chemicals all over it?
If you have to, do some research on the subject. For example, I found an intriguing book on Amazon,com – Kindle entitled “She Comes First.” This book, by Ian Frank, PhD., gives some great insights into pleasing your woman orally (it’s all about a professional level of cunnilingus).
While I strongly concur with Dr. Frank about the need to be conversant with your female’s anatomy, the information about the names of the eighteen parts of the clitoris borders on too much information. However, he does build a very strong case for becoming a master of the art of cunnilingus. I also concur that knowing and understanding the female anatomy is a fundamental aspect of your oral game/technique. You have to know what and where all the parts are so that they may be properly stimulated.
Given all this technical data, the real payoff comes when you set aside a special time when “it’s all about her and just her.” This is a way to strongly up your oral game. Attitude-wise, you should be in a state of unconditional giving rather than in a place of “giving” to “get.” Give enthusiastically without the idea of giving to get.
"6. Forget About Limits"
Yes, it’s time to give those notions of limits up completely. At our age we should have learned that there are no limits. I repeat there are no limits. Actually there are no limits on anything, and certainly not sex. We are only limited by our imaginations, which means we are totally free to create to our hearts desire. Remember that old saying, if we can imagine it, we can achieve it. That is the entire point of this book.
When my second wife and I first married, in spite of her vast, previous sexual experience, she believed that it was one orgasm and out. Later as part of our mutual quest to free our minds and bodies of limitations, one night she achieved forty consecutive orgasms before we stopped counting. Both of us pushed beyond the limits of what we thought possible.
We subsequently discovered the Universal Orgasm (see a discussion of UO under Advanced Techniques) and became poster children for the notion that there are no limits to our sexuality. If anything, the limits are only in our minds – otherwise they don’t exist. Your beliefs are your only limitations.
"7. Be Totally Present"
You know the feeling of being in the middle of intense sexual activity and your partner asks, “Did you take out the trash?” That is the classic example of not being present in the moment. The opposite is when your partner's breathing synchronizes with yours, the rhythm of your heart beats mesh and your bodies' motions are similar. That is the ultimate expression of being present in the moment: in the now.
So often in our busy, day-to-day lives we tend to tune out. Making love and being intimate should not be one of those moments. If ever there was a time in life to be totally present, that is the time. Nothing on the planet is or could be more important than the feelings you and your partner are sharing in this moment of mutual embrace.
That is the reason that even some casual awareness and exposure to the practice of Tantric sex (a type of sexual yoga) is important.
The simple practice of taking a few moments to gaze deeply into your partner's eyes can create new levels of intimacy and connection between you. Another simple practice I have noticed in working with people is that of unconditional touch. This is a powerful form of human connection. More importantly, I have noticed how seldom we touch each other’s faces. A simple, gentle touch of your partner's face, especially during sexual intimacy will create an inseparable emotional bond of mind and body.
"8. Chemical Support as Required"
Former Senator Bob Doyle made it okay for us to openly discuss and deal with that most dreadful ailment of old age called erectile dysfunction (ED), a hush, hush topic. Even if experienced only temporarily or longer term, this topic was the source of a large amount of TV advertising and big pharma revenue.
The dreaded loss of male readiness has lost the epitaph of “impotence” and gained a new respectable, less dis-empowering name of “erectile dysfunction” thanks to Senator Doyle. The pharmaceutical companies found a solution and opened a gold mine. While I am not a fan of big pharma, they did us a favor with this one.
For many years, I was in denial about chemical support and rebelled against the idea of it for my love machine.
I heard all the jokes, saw all the TV commercials, etc., until I was so fed up with the situation and worried about disappointed lovers that I decided to take some action. I went to a doctor that specialized in erectile dysfunction caused by diabetes. After a brief examination, he assured me that my prostate was okay and that with the right chemical support I could function as well as his ninety-year-old patients. He gave me some Cialis samples and life has never been better.
Later, I tried several other forms of chemical support, but Cialis was one that worked best for me. As a result the stigma of needing chemical support went away and I joined the ranks of functioning older males. Now I can aggressively pursue my goal of an active, robust sex life for the rest of my life.
If this has been an issue for you, especially the denial, I heartily invite you to tune in, turn on and march forward with your flag held high. Not only will your partner thank you with her own enthusiasm, you will regain your swerve.
A note of caution, however, when I first waded into the jungle of possible solutions, I received a considerable surprise from my local pharmacist who charged me $22 for each pill and limited me to four pills per month. For some strange reason, I could only get four pills per month. This, I found out later, was a dosage based on a study the medical profession had done to set a standard of practice. The study back in the 1950's was done on English men who had sex only four times per month. For their sake, I hope the English men are faring much better today.
Note that there are other sources of generics that can be found via a google search at much more reasonable price. Find these sources and motor on.
Just for fun, see Appendix C for a funny (if not bizarre) story of my personal encounter with one of the pricier chemical solutions.
"9. Watermelon as an Aphrodisiac"
In the summer of 2008, a research discovery pointed to watermelon as a possible key to sexual fulfillment. Dr. Bhimu Patil and the Texas A&M Fruit and Vegetable Improvement Center specifically studied one of watermelon’s phytonutrients, citrulline. Thanks to Dr. Patil, we now know that citrulline, like Viagra, has the power to relax blood vessels. The body converts citrulline to L-argenine, which, as Dr. Patil explains, “boosts nitric oxide, which relaxes blood vessels, the same basic effect that Viagra has, to treat erectile dysfunction and maybe even prevent it.”
Citrulline is more concentrated in the rind than in the flesh of the fruit. So, of course, researchers are diligently working on developing a variety of watermelon with rind-quality concentrations in the flesh of the fruit. There has not yet any evidence of the Viagra fruit on the market. But there is no doubt that it is coming soon to a test tube near you.
Prior to the citrulline discovery, watermelon was valued as one of the finest natural sources of lycopene available. In fact, it even outweighs tomatoes in the lycopene department. (Lycopene is primarily thought of as essential for heart health. But it’s also beneficial for prostate health).
A food of seduction
Yet even without knowing its nutritional impact, it’s easy to see why watermelon is a food of seduction. It is valentine pink in color. And watermelon’s flesh is an emblem of summer, hot days in the sun and lots of skin.
Even in the manner in which it is eaten, watermelon is sexy. It is a food for which it is not only accepted, it is expected that the seeds will be expelled from the mouth through puckered up lips.
So, it could be suggested that impromptu watermelon seed spitting contest may be excellent ice breakers for singles on the prowl at the softball league summer BBQ. Think about it… an entire game focused solely on the skills of mouths.
"10. Enhancing Sexual Endurance"
Many years ago, while studying to learn more about yoga, I ran across a book containing an informative chapter by a yoga Master. When questioned about yoga and sex, the Master talked about how he maintained his sexual energy and endurance. Although I have forgotten the title of the book and the yoga master’s name, I clearly remember his message. He gave the following explanation – “When men engage in sexual activity, most of the body’s endocrine system is involved, especially after ejaculation. This depletes the hormones in the glands involved. That explains the perception of hunger immediately following sex. The simple act of eating something nourishing will replenish the depleted hormones.” The yogi goes on to suggest that a glass of milk is the most effective food supplement for this purpose.
Jumping out of bed, running for the kitchen and grabbing a glass of milk will have to be done with some degree of finesse or your partner may call 911.
“Let the Fun Begin”
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