Hey Steemers,
I want to talk about the holiday season, and all the bullshit that floats around about how to "survive" it. First of all- survive?! The holidays are a time of festivity and evergreen- scented air. They offer the opportunity to wake up late, connect with family, and sip from cups of spiked eggnog. There is a certain coziness that can inhabit our bones, if we allow it to do so. Does that sound like surviving, or thriving?
The thing is this. For many people with eating disorders, the holidays are riddled with anxiety. Events involve alcohol, sweets, and a lack of control over food options. Indulgence is expected and celebrated. As someone who has grappled with anorexia for years, I can attest to how painful these pleasurable experiences can be. Allow me to share some thoughts I know I am not alone in having...
~ Dammit, another party. I wonder if there will be vegetables. I hope I have the willpower to resist dessert. Will anyone think I've gained weight?
~ That cake will imprint itself onto my love handles for the rest of eternity.
~ Ah, look at that pile of calories! Did she just say something to me? Shit. I was lost in thought.
I have left holiday functions with vague memories of the conversations I had- even forgotten who was there. All I remembered was precisely how many morsels of food I consumed. It sounds absurd, but anxiety brings the skeletons out of our closets. Food phobia and disordered eating habits run rampant through our society which so glorifies external beauty. They exist in different people for different reasons. They run deep. They affect our behavior, thoughts, and emotional well being. They impede our ability to connect with others, or to inhabit the present moment.
What I want to say is this. I believe that it is unnecessary, ludicrous, and ignorant to write content about how to "undo" holiday indulgences by exercise or caloric restriction (read: self- punishment). It is triggering for every individual who struggles to maintain sanity during this time. It is also unscientific and unhealthy. I believe that we should encourage participation in holiday traditions, whatever they may be. Grandma's secret pie recipe? Tackle football games on Turkey Day? Work potlucks, family hikes, Christmas Eve bar crawls? Say yes. Let's change our language to celebrate both the moving and the consuming.
I can say from experience that telling hosts you "just ate" as an excuse to turn down their food, causes a moment of disconnect. Showing up an hour late to brunch after cramming in a gym session does the same thing. Humans connect through food and time spent. I felt lonely when I was at my thinnest, because I avoided any social situation I deemed "risky". Loneliness drove me deeper into disordered habits. "This disconnect must mean they don't love me, that I'm not lovable enough. Maybe if I get more thin, more beautiful, then they'll want to connect with me".
It took me a long time to reconcile the idea that memories and people matter more than my weight. It took me even longer to realize that no one gives more of a shit about what I look like than how I'm doing, or how I treat them. I was NOT helped by any "fitsporation" or bullshit article written without the backing of empirical data. Everyone's path to healing is different, but never have I ever seen these things contribute. Let's compliment each other's personalities, extend and accept invitations, and open our hearts to the abundance of this season. It comes around once a year, and I refuse to remain its' wallflower any longer.
Thank you for this post. I found it very touching <3
Disordered eating is such a big topic among my (female) friends, with positions which range from taking unsubscribed thyroid medication to lose weight up to accepting (but not loving) your body indifferent its size. But although all are wonderful and loving persons, they nevertheless "encourage" each other constantly to lose weight. E.g. by phrase like "oh not I have eaten so much cookie dough while baking, I can't have dinner/ have to run/ will eat only greens tomorrow" or "I was so bad" meaning, they ate something sugary or with white flour and so on. I notice this especially during the holiday season and always find it very sad (you explained very well why), and simultaneously I find it hard to resist not to body-shame myself and other (unconsciously).
Again, thank you for writing about such an important and delicate topic.
danigirl, once again you demonstrate your big heart, insightfulness, and acceptance of what is true for you with a clear eye and deep compassion. It's so true that what is beautiful about people lies within their being, not so much on the outside. I love the photos that you choose to accompany your posts-in them you are smiling and emanating such love and joy. I know these photos often include your family and I know how much they love and support you. I hope many other steemers read your words and take them to heart, as they're very inspiring. xox