Do you want to know what depression feels like?
Think of a foggy grey muck that encircles you head to toe. Severe depression strips you from being able to experience any joy in life, even when for all the world it appears you have everything going for you. Watered down commentaries attempt to describe the soul rotting misery of waking up in darkness every day. Who are those who can bolt out of bed ready to face the day with their happy attitudes about life? I don’t know. I’ve never been one. I dread waking up. One of the things really depressed people look forward to is a respite from consciousness. This is why those who suffer tend to sleep so much. It’s escapism. Yet it isn’t, because even in sleep you can be terrorized by your daytime demons. The quality of sleep is not restful – in fact, rather fitful. This is one reason so many people take mind-numbing tranquilizers to dull their wakeful state just to be able to drift away to somewhere, anywhere else than the dangerous and unchecked arena of the mind.
People experience the tiers of depression's challenges in different ways. It’s not being disappointed or being in a bad mood if something doesn’t pan out in your favor. You chipped you manicure? Bugger. Irritating, yes, but it’s not the end of the world. For a depressed person, something minor (for whatever reason) can hurl you head first into a bottomless void of regret and agony. You associate daily life with walking through a minefield. Danger lurks with every step. That ad for an antidepressant that shows a cartoon figure walking around under her own cloud of rain sums up the feeling quite well (of course it does – sponsored by The Pharmaceutical Cartel). You NEED this drug to function. That’s another post, and I know far too well how drugs are touted as the magic solution. Not even children are safe from their campaigns.
It’s the ultimate mind-fuck factory, this thought prison that leads you through Dante’s circles of hell as you try to scramble your way out of the snake pit. The thoughts pull you back in by your ankles. Like a horror movie, the entity of depression knows what scares you. It knows what makes you wail in despair. It knows your saddest thoughts and flashes those across the movie screen in your head in incessant reruns. You are a spectator, but unable to avert your eyes.
You have things to do? Most can buck up and get 'er done. A very depressed person knows what must be done yet can’t do it. Cannot. It’s not possible. It has nothing to do with laziness and everything to do with apathy. The effort isn’t worth it. You know you will feel better if such and such gets done. So the obvious solution is to do it. You have errands to run? Get in the car and go. But for a depressed person, the mundane becomes detestable to such an extent that not even the guilt for not doing the things is unable to motivate you enough to accomplish what is impossible in your mind.
Once while touring Alcatraz, I was struck by something the tour guide told us. The island is positioned in just the right way that all the prisoners could smell the Ghirardelli chocolate factory wafting its chocolate scent across the bay, no doubt driving inmates insane. This is much like depression. You are stuck in a jail cell knowing everyone else is living happily while you miss out on what you know (on some level) is a gift – life itself. You can only observe from afar.
You know those days when you feel like a sloth and nothing gets done? For many depressed people that’s every day. By getting nothing done I don’t mean cleaning out the refrigerator or reading a book your friend needs back. I mean responsibilities you must accept as an adult, as a parent. You can’t function. Your kids are hungry, but you can’t do anything about it because you can’t move. You have an empty stare and wonder if it’s too early for a drink. It’s only one in the afternoon. Can it be justified?
And you can’t stop seeing those stories about the Yulin dog meat festival. This is horrible because an animal suffering is the worst thing in the world to me. Or those commercials by the SPCA. The thoughts hit hard, bating me. “Uh oh! She’s making some progress – what is she sad about? Let’s infect.” Self-sabotage is the name of the game. For a depressed person, thoughts take over and pollute your whole mind.
You hope you will feel better tomorrow, or someday. You keep saying someday. But that wastes away today. You hide from friends and family because the idea of faking a smile is akin to torture. And you think no one cares about your problems. Or they are tired of hearing about them because they are always the same. Your brain is wired differently. Some of the most creative genius comes from a desolate mental state. It can, but only If you can get any mental energy together to be productive.
Your friends email you cures for migraines. You have had to invent numerous excuses that involve having them, because that’s a reasonable excuse to cancel plans. Saying you’re sad or not in the mood will get “I’ll cheer you up” from well-meaning friends and family. But you want to be alone, completely isolated, in bed, with the covers pulled up over your head. And you want to cry. And I don’t mean a few tears. I mean heart-wrenching sobs that no one would want to hear.
You yell at people you love. You cry easily. They can’t help you but they can sure piss you off. And we are pissed at ourselves, because children have needs that must be met -no question about it. And you know are letting them down with your suffering. Another blow. We do not feel sorry for ourselves in the traditional sense. We do feel sorry that we can’t get a grip as we are often told to do. We feel guilty for letting others down who matter as they stand by helpless, completely befuddled about their roles in all of this. They feel responsible You want to convey it’s not them or their fault, but they start to not believe you. It’s no one’s fault. It simply is.
Some days are easier than others. I often do well when the stars align - deceptively so, or maybe not deceptive. Maybe I am getting a handle on this curse. It’s a constant roller coaster of wondering when the happy cart will upturn and everything you manage to put in there (composure, self-esteem, productivity) scatters across the road. And cars are coming, but you have to try to summon up the ability to put them back in and continue on your journey. It’s like you are that one slow car on a hill that everyone zips past because they don’t carry the burden of your load.
Is life a beautiful thing? Yes. It is. Is it filled with sadness? Yes to that too. Can a depressed person overcome depression? I think so. But in order to answer that, you must be willing to look at your origins to discover what might be holding you back.
Drawings and painting © Johanna Westerman 2016
I dindnt know ssomething so dark could be painted so beautifully. Depression is a real problem and its nice to see it being talked about. This should really help others whome might not get it better understand what some ones is going through.
Thank you, @bzeen for the sincere compliment. I hope it can help in some way. Writing it and seeing it in print makes it feel more manageable.
Thank you for this post @fairytalelife. If I could up vote it one hundred times I would. What a brave and heartfelt post. I too suffered from anxiety / depression and know how debilitating it can be. It seems to happen to a lot of us creative folks. Kudos to you my friend.
Thank you, Eric. I appreciate your comment. Getting it out there helps.
This topic needs more attention... it is an actual medical condition! The worst is when people tell you to "just stop feeling down...stop feeling so sad all the time".
Unless you have experienced it yourself, it is impossible to know how debilitating it can be. I have seen several family members go through this and it is really painful for them and their loved ones...
When people tell me that i feel like stabbing them in the neck and twlling them to stop bleeding everywhere and jist ignore the pain.
Yes - who would want to feel this way? It's not so simple.
I can relate to... well... everything in this post. You hit the nail on the head multiple times, and now I have a little shack to hide in. People are scary, responsibilities are scary. When did they start feeling that way? Who knows?
Very well written. I especially like the part about Alcatraz. We're prisoners, but we are almost comfortable in our prison. It's only when the wafts of delicious chocolate sweep through the bars that we feel uncomfortable, that we're missing out on something in our little dark prisons.
Thank you, @zombiedoll. The Ghirardelli phenomenon plays out in some form or another in each downswing. I'm able to get myself out of bad episodes more easily now that I know what contributed to my "diagnosis" so many years ago.
I have suffered with depression for years, sleep is my only release its where I love to be as my dreams are a lot nicer (sometimes) than real life
@karenb54, I wish that was true for me. I am plagued with chronic nightmares - sometimes I fear sleep because of the slasher type violence I will encounter in my dreams. I know our dreams are messages or riddles we must solve. But I could probably do it better if I was well rested. ;) Therein lies the irony.
Thankfully I don't dream like that, must be horrible. My dreams are always word doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing is always in the house I grew up in. I dont seem to have the depression in my dreams I don't feel anything which Is a nice change. Have you tried CBT?
Yes, I have. It's a challenge to implement, but it has helped. Interesting about the setting - the house where you grew up. I have those dreams too in houses from my past. But usually my father is chasing after me with an ax. I don't speak to him - haven't for 16 years.
Haven't spoke to mine for over 20 years, he a lonely old man who will die on his own. That house haunts me, O really think I have blocked a lot out they come back in flashes. We have to keep strong :)
There's so much meaning in these dreams about our childhood homes, @karenb54. It doesn't sound like he was much of a father to you. Mine was horrible. These dreams keep coming up because I need to do some more work on accepting the past. Better now than never.
It's maybe time for such person to be knocked out of her/his "un-comfort" zone by medicating them psychedelics.
as state in this article, depressed persosn cannot make move out of their inner self defeating world.
I advocate for transpersonal therapy like rebirth or holotropic breathing.
Psychedelics opens doors of perception and possibly give new insight on the burdens that a person carries.
Such a trip should be done under supervision of experience & trained person. LiKe the Zendo project..
Thank for sharing your story !
Intriguing, @sambkf. I am not familiar with the Zendo project. I will investigate. Thank you!
I've suffered depression the majority of my life. Some days have been darker than others, but not all days. I've avoided phone calls and made excuses not to go out. I can't stand when people think it's so easy to cheer up. I seek solitude and quiet. I've had to remove myself from negative people because they're like an anchor and I feel like I'm drowning.
I don't think I'll ever overcome depression but I will fight it one battle - one day - one dark place at a time.
@merej99 - are you my long lost twin? I am now getting to the point in my life where I am allowing myself to cut out negative people, even family. If you are depressed, things are hard enough. Toxic people on top of it all? They'll kill you slowly. All we can do is one day at a time.
I like this Alcatraz trivia story about the chocolate factory ^^ but seriously, yes, depression is a tragic state. However, I would like to know if depression is a creation of our modern world. You never hear about depression before the XXth century...
absence of evidence is not evidence of absence
Well said, well said.
I think a little of that is true. I have a post in the works that will explore this very issue.
I'm sure it was there... it probably was thought of as people just feeling sorry for themselves... it wasn't even acknowledged as a medical condition until recently...
Pharmaceutical companies discovered a way to profit by creating mental "diseases" to go along with their new depression pills. So much is unknown about how the brain processes trauma - the mental kind. I'm a big believer in trying to find the root of the problem (a catastrophic childhood, etc.) and sorting things from there. We can't put a bandaid on and hope it will go away on its own.
Interesting... so you are of the belief that there are no mental "diseases"?
Hmm - that one is tricky. I do believe in mental illness for sure. Mental disease - whatever you want to call it. I believe that sometimes wires get crossed in ways they shouldn't, either from before birth of due to trauma in childhood. I think it's important to try to get at the root of the "dis" ease. I also believe medication has helped millions of people, so I am not one of those who thinks psychiatry is the devil incarnate. Bu I don't think there is such thing as a "cure" to depression. I think each of us who suffers can get well, but not without the work it takes. And that may mean confronting things you wish would go away without having to face.
Your style is awesome!
Thank you, @summonerrk - a little less cheery than usual ;)
Another excellent post! Thank you.
Thank you, @team101. I'm glad you enjoyed it (if you can say that)... ;)
I sont feel like taking my life at all after reading that. The fuk ? How do you know this ? Get out my head ! U sound like you know me. Wtf i dont understand. It cant be. How ?
Perfect. Identified 100%
Thanks, @onetree. Pretty common themes, aren't they?
Not trying to make it about me, but reading this reminds me of me and my anger issues.
Anger isn't like a prison to me. It's more like a monster or a demon lurking inside of me. When it manifests itself, it turns me into this angry son of a bitch who can't even think right.
It sucks to know that it's eating me up inside and like I have this "thing" inside of me.
But I guess it's all about moving forward.
@aldentan - I'm sorry for what you are going through with your anger. I admire you for being able to see it for what it is, a monster inside you. But it doesn't have to be in you forever. Acknowledging its existence is the first step in throwing it out the door.
Yes indeed. Slowly taking steps to improve upon it.
You're brave and I admire you for writing about your depression too.
You are brave for opening up about anger. I applaud you for your honesty. :)
Thank you for your contribution to this conversation, half of the problem is there isn't a platform for people to atleast talk about how they feel. You have provided that here today, much to your credit.
Thanks, @linzo. It's always better to talk about rather than suppress what's going on in your head.
It's funny you posted this today, I decided to post about depression also, but I tried to capture it in a poem.
I totally agree with everything you have written above, it is dibilitating but there is that strange element of hope. I have spent a long time being honest with myself and I think you can turn the tide on it. Who knows though it could just pop up again.
@countofdelphi, I have a confession. Your last sentence made me laugh out loud. Only someone who has been through depression has these kinds of dialogues - Maybe, maybe I can get through this ! But who knows - it could just pop up again." That sentence is promising a sequel at the end of a movie. I don't know - it struck me as funny. That's the same thing I would say. Thank you for commenting.
Not a problem. Yeah it is funny, I guess it's like gallows humour, you know when you are in there it's going to be hell so you might as well be a bit light hearted about it when you have your objective, rational mind to hand. Sometimes it feels like there are two mes fighting it out, because all the bad talk is still in my voice but not 'me'. This is how I tried to convey that: https://steemit.com/life/@countofdelphi/my-malevolent-friend-an-original-poem, it would be great to get your thoughts, if you have the time. Anyways cheers for conveying it all so eloquently.
Thank you, @countofdelphi. I will read it now! Gallows humor - yes, that's it! :)
Why is it, every time I read your words.., or lay eyes on the stunningly beautiful images you create -- I can feel you reach into my soul… The depth of your wisdom and the simplicity of your creativity seem boundless and unafraid. Life is beautiful. Yes, it is filled sadness. And that is where we start to heal...
Thank you,@macksby. Wow - you do have a way with words. Healing is a life long process.
Only when Im inspired... And yes.., I completely agree @fairytalelife -- healing is a life long process.
Just found this natural amino-acid sam-e that seems to help....
Thanks - I take Sam-e now. It seems to work. And I also take amino acids - 5Htp and DLPA. I find that when I eats extra vegetables I do much better - and walnuts in particular give a nice boost within minutes.
Hi! You've been featured in my post.
Petition to take down EARNEST
I agree that this topic needs to be spoken about more. I've dealt with it for years as well. However, we're all so different in our dealings with it. I think I got up and made myself do things because I couldn't stand the nightmares when I slept or sitting there feeling nothing - sadness is at least something - to feel nothing is horrible. That feeling of utter despair that no matter what you do, it won't matter and it won't get better. I made myself take care of the kids and do things because the voices telling me to do horrible things was too much to bear. I figured if I moved, I could ignore the hell better. I still do. I pile project after project on top of myself so that I don't have to sit still and feel that it's all pointless. I do art, write and I throw it out to the ethers and won't turn around to see if anyone paid attention or not. Oftentimes, I've been in like a drug-induced haze because you feel wasted, like you're in an empty attic, in the dark and someone tied you to a chair and all you can look out and see is the blue sky and sun from the window, but you can't feel the warmth of it on your face or the summer wind. And yes, I know the drugs where doctors don't listen to you and just throw pills at you and your friends who tell you about some spiritual author who changed their life, telling you yoga and this homeopathic treatment will work. Yep, I know.
All I can say is this is like a cross we bear. That for some of us, this world won't ever be right. I've learned to embrace my darkness and I told people that I'm not going to be all light and rainbows sometimes or that dreaded P word - positive. Yes, I'm finally on some medication that helps with my panic disorder, but I know why I'm depressed. While for some of us it's chemical, but for others who have things from long ago, it won't go away, you just find coping mechanisms to get you throw. I feel better talking about it and being honest about it, and for anyone who doesn't understand, oh well.
Hugs to you.
Thank you, @chaeya, for your thoughtful comment. I related to everything you said too - that haze that keeps you locked in. I think you are right when you said that for some of us the world won't ever be right. Maybe that's ok. Maybe it doesn't have to be. We can get through the darkest days like we always have done. We do come through. I am just now feeling ok talking about it. The more it's out there, the less alone we feel. Hugs to you too. I can't tell you how glad I am that you shared your all too familiar experiences.
Beautifully painted story. This is something I often feel: "A very depressed person knows what must be done yet can’t do it. Cannot. It’s not possible. It has nothing to do with laziness and everything to do with apathy. The effort isn’t worth it."
Thanks, @honeyscribe. That is the depression talking - knowing that has helped, oddly.
This was a very moving and thought-provoking post, and the illustrations truly capture the feeling of confinement in hopelessness. As someone who struggled with life-debilitating depression for 10 years, I wanted to add my perspective here, which is that recovery is possible. I, too, used to hold onto "tomorrow" or "someday" as a beacon of hope for renewal and wellness, always in the unreachable future.
I agree most especially with this point you made: "You must be willing to look at your origins to discover what might be holding you back." For me, I had to learn how to tread the line between ruminating unhealthily and actually gaining helpful insight from introspection that was rooted in reality and could be acted on.
Essentially, what helped me the most in overcoming my depression was learning how to accept reality for exactly what it is. A lot of that involved learning to love my so-called "shadow" described by Carl Jung, and by accepting my own shortcomings and the failures of other individuals and institutions. I was then able to recognize the limits of my own effectuality in the world and renounce the unnecessary guilt of impotence—or rather a lack of omnipotence—that had plagued me for years. I gave up the burden of trying to "help" others or change things beyond my control. By reaching this realization, I was able to take control of my own life (and mind) to the degree I understood myself to have power over it.
I never believed it would be possible to live completely free from depression for nearly two years and counting, especially after treading thin ice for a decade, but now I see that it is possible to make a full recovery, and ultimately happiness is my choice which stems from how I look at the world and my place here.
Depression is immeasurably tortuous and I wish you and anyone else who suffers from this affliction the best. Thank you so much for sharing this post.
Thank you, @runaway-psyche, for sharing your inspiring journey to peace. I like what you said about ruminating unhealthily. That's a hidden talent of mine! I get stuck, and it spirals from there. What can I act on? That's a better question, and hopefully I can ask that question on a day that I am not immobilized in melancholia. I am happy to hear you have been able to overcome your depression. I do agree that it is possible. Accepting reality, accepting that we can't change or fix others, or even that it's not always our fault when people are in foul moods (a hard one for me with two self-absorbed parents) is vital for a chance at metal peace.
For me depression has to do with lack of hope. I guess one the best ways to deal with depression is to look forward to something in the future.
@boxitaxm, yes. There's always that. I try to make sure I have things scheduled to look forward to. It does help. Otherwise I see a bleak empty space ahead of me, and it's rather uninspiring.
I wrote a similar post a few weeks ago title: "How I Became Free From Chronic Depression" : https://steemit.com/health/@dailybitcoinnews/how-i-became-free-from-chronic-depression << There's a lot of tips for people from myself and many others there that I encourage people to read. Thanks for the good post.