The above image was done using stable diffusion using the prompt 'the pain scale.'
I got my first migraine at age 16 and began experiencing frequent debilitating headaches in my early twenties. After years of trying I succeeded in consistently preventing migraines, at which point I was left with just cluster headaches. When I first realized what was going on, I didn't want to believe it.
Migraines I could handle. Yes, they were awful and sometimes incapacitating. But they ran in my family. My mom had a serious case. If migraines were a known quantity, cluster headaches were something much darker. They were a life-destroying curse that almost no one had even heard of.
I remember the exact moment that I admitted to myself that I had cluster headaches. Looking at myself in the mirror in a bathroom in Brooklyn, coming off of an attack, I just knew that either I had a brain tumor or it was cluster headaches. From that point, it was 7 years until I was able to get in front of a neurologist.
This neurologist worked in a famous headache care clinic and had a strong reputation. She ordered scans that ruled out a tumor, but in every other way she sucked. When all was said and done, she diagnosed me with trigeminal pain and acted like I was faking or exaggerating my illness for attention. I didn't actually receive a cluster headache diagnosis from a neurologist until 2020, 13 years after the point where I knew what was going on.
The Pain Scale
Years ago when I was poor and uninsured, one of my teeth broke, then abscessed and ruptured. My neck and face swelled up. I became feverish. In this state, I went to the discount dental clinic and was told that the waiting list was full and no appointment would be available for months. So I begged and was visibly in such disrepair that they agreed to do an immediate emergency extraction.
That ordeal was very painful, on par with the time I tore a tricep. And yet, at its worst, it was only about a 5 on the 1-10 pain scale that I use to describe the cluster headaches I experience. At level 3, most people would call in sick to work. At level 4, they'd seek urgent medical attention. At 6 and above, they might call an ambulance if they could use a phone in the midst such extreme discomfort.
In my lifetime I've experienced thousands of attacks at level 6 and above, each one lasting 45 minutes to 3 hours. I've had a handful of 10s, hundreds of 8s and 9s, and too many of the rest to count. They come in clusters and when I'm not in a headache cycle I'm perfectly fine. The cycle I'm in now has so far included a couple of 8s, which were ungodly.
Imagine a massive steel spike descending to Earth from space. The point comes down from the sky like some kind of celestial hydraulic press and pushes itself through one side of your head. You're pinned there, fatally impaled from above by an impossibly large object, as if you're an unlucky bug and a child with a pin is ruining your day.
That's how one of the 8s felt. The other one involved more stabbing sensations and less crushing force. Both lasted about 90 minutes. Recovering from attacks of this intensity is a whole thing. Beyond bodily care, the trauma needs to be processed and the experience needs to be integrated. I always try to do this part quickly but inevitably it takes time.
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Read my novels:
- Small Gods of Time Travel is available as a web book on IPFS and as a 41 piece Tezos NFT collection on Objkt.
- The Paradise Anomaly is available in print via Blurb and for Kindle on Amazon.
- Psychic Avalanche is available in print via Blurb and for Kindle on Amazon.
- One Man Embassy is available in print via Blurb and for Kindle on Amazon.
- Flying Saucer Shenanigans is available in print via Blurb and for Kindle on Amazon.
- Rainbow Lullaby is available in print via Blurb and for Kindle on Amazon.
- The Ostermann Method is available in print via Blurb and for Kindle on Amazon.
- Blue Dragon Mississippi is available in print via Blurb and for Kindle on Amazon.
See my NFTs:
- Small Gods of Time Travel is a 41 piece Tezos NFT collection on Objkt that goes with my book by the same name.
- History and the Machine is a 20 piece Tezos NFT collection on Objkt based on my series of oil paintings of interesting people from history.
- Artifacts of Mind Control is a 15 piece Tezos NFT collection on Objkt based on declassified CIA documents from the MKULTRA program.
My boss once told me that he has never had a headache. i was surprised to learn that a certain percent of the population never gets headaches. Lucky bastards. I get the occasional headache but fortunately only "normal" ones. I've never had to deal with migraines or cluster headaches.
Yeah headaches are no fun no matter what kind.
I really value every single opportunity I have to learn more about cluster headaches. As I said before... So much of your existence with CH is an embodiment of shadow work. And what I'm learning from you through your struggle with CH is that you can be vulnerable to the darkness you face, yet not be helpless or a victim. Thanks for sharing your powerful inner work.
Thanks. Yes, it's shadow work taken to extremes. Somehow the idea that another person could learn something from my experience helps: )
Awesome