Girl you are a mess. I don't know what to say other than, been there. Twenty years back I was going through similar issues related to blowing out 3 disk in my back all at once. I opted against surgery. The pain led to the crazies, the crazies led to anti-everything drugs, which made me even more crazies to the end of several failed attempts at killing myself. The last of which when I woke up in the hospital after taking a bottle of loritabs and a bottle of xanax then walking to the sea to die.... I have no memory of getting to the hospital but I overheard the medical team preparing a room for me in the psych ward (again) and told myself NO! No way in hell am I going back to that God forsaken place and quickly ripped the IV from my arm and B-lined it out the fire escape.
It was that day I chose to be better, to listen to the language of my words in realizing, first, that everything related to treating the crazies with drugs is, well, crazy. That 2, that place (the psych ward) is indeed God forsaken and a lie, and we all know who the father and creator of all lies is.
I guess that was the beginning of living "real" like that velveteen rabbit.
I know are religious paths are different but in that same breathe the same. Sparing you a long rant let me just say hold fast to what love you have in your life, it is a real treasure. Search for what truth you might find and surrender to it with all your heart. In the end, believe. Believe you are healed and acknowledge the source of that healing and you will be healed. Remember that woman that told herself if only she cold touch His garment... She stopped Jesus dead in His tracks with her faith, so much so that He ask "who touched me" in a crowd of people He wanted to know who it was that touched him with such faith.
That day I fled from the hospital... I wanted. I wanted to be like that woman, I wanted to be healed from all of it. All of it.
Today I am in a much better place than I was then and albeit my pagan ways are still very much with me, I now have knowledge of a peace that surpasses all understanding. In short I've realized the resurrection power of God is being resurrected in me. Me, a heathen, a human, an adjective and adverb, a noun.
Take from this what you will, but know you got a friend here in South Texas that feels your pain and is praying for you to receive a gift of healing. It is a gift BTW. You just have to ask, believe, and confess.
You are one courageous woman. Love Rules.
LOL! You sounded just like my husband (when he's taking a break from bobbing along side of me, saying "shall we dance?").
I'm so sorry to hear you've gone through such a .... man, it doesn't seem to do it justice to say something like "difficult journey" or "troubles." You've been to hell and back, and I wicked appreciate that you shared it with me. Mad props to you for coming out the other side in such an incredible way.
Yes, granted, we may have different names for spiritual things, but I agree - essentially the same. Thank you so much for your friendship, your prayers, your kind words, and your general awesomesauceness!
Just remember doctors are only licensed to "practice" medicine. Let them practice on someone else until they get it right. If I had listened to them I'd be in a wheelchair drooling all over myself, zombified on psychoactives and addicted to narcotics. Idiots almost had me believing I would never walk again. For about 5yrs I went through some horrible ugly shit no doubt. People making judgements, passing out in public from pain, peeing and shitting myself and not knowing it or having control over it. Felt like being struck by lightening continuously without end.
Don't give up the fight. Don't let the darkness win. Speak the L word over it.
Ugh - again, I tip my hat to you and all you've endured while still somehow managing to be such an awesome guy.
Definitely not giving up the fight, and spreading both L words over (love & laughter, naturally) everything in sight! Thanks again, dear Steven.