You ever sit down to write something but cannot finish it? Something so painful that it literally hurt to press another key. I just experienced that. I had to stop writing due to tears in my eyes and, literal, pain in my heart and mind.
Life is short. Our time together was short lived and now is a memory. What would I say if I could go back? What would I do I knowing time was short and you would be gone? Would I have hidden you? Could I have done that?
I barely knew you then. I feel I know you better now than then. It hurts to think about you, what might have been, what could have been. You had dreams, you had hopes, you had life.
A little about me
I am not ashamed to say that I experience night terrors. If y’all only knew half the stuff I have gone through in life. I have made some bad decisions in life, some I am not proud of. I have also made some good ones, ones that I am indeed proud of. Then there are the millions of decisions I made that are in the middle.
I have lived in a few states from the South to the North to the West Coast. That was all before I became an adult at which time I settled down to just moving around one state from time to time as I changed jobs. I hate spending hours in a car to get to a place where I will spend more hours away from home just to get in a car for hours to go home.
I am not bragging. This stuff hurts. It affects you in ways you have no idea about. It is not a badge of honor. It is not something to take lightly, and those that experience this stuff, they understand that.
When the call comes, please answer it
When someone asks for help, please for the love of God, be there for them. They are hurting. They are at their wits end. They are broken. They are in pain. You may be the last person they reach out to. Do not let that go easily. Please.
I hate people that do those ‘drama’ posts. Like, I am sorry, we are all on this ride with you so give us enough information or get ready for comments asking for it. With that in mind, here is a bit of info on what happened. Last night, I had a bad dream, a night terror if you will. You see, 35 years ago this year I had a friend and her family ripped out of my life. They were taken by some awful people. They hurt her. She was not even in school; she was 5 years old. She would have been 41 years old this year. That never happened. She was ripped from this world before she had her first kiss. Prom. Sweet 16 birthday. Getting to legally drink on her 21st birthday. She never got to marry, have kids, and grow old. All over some mistakes made before she was even born. A check written before she was even a thought in her parents minds was cashed that day in California.
October 5th, 1986 her life “officially” ended. The day my life changed forever. A day I will probably never forget. I cannot remember what I had for lunch (whole other story there) but I can remember that night 35 years ago like it was last night. Part of me was there last night. It hit me like a Mack truck on the Interstate. It was a horrible feeling.
Sometimes the pain is too much
It hurt so bad to go down that memory lane that I did something I have not done in years. Decades even. I had to get a buddy check. I had to ask for help. I had to ask for a hand to pull me back from that pain.
The first person I asked for help was there. Thank you Emmaneul. You are my brother, man. We will meet one day and damnit, that is going to be great day.
What to do when the call comes
What can you do when someone reaches out to you? Listen. Let them talk. Let them cry. Let them guide the conversation. They must get it out. Just be there to listen.
People that reach out are the most vulnerable in their lives at that point. They are not always at “self harm” depths though. Sometimes they need help getting grounded again. Sometimes they just need “an ear” to talk to. Sometimes they need someone to slap them back to reality with hard facts.
The problem lays in the fact that there is no clear-cut way to tell what they need. Just start with an ear. Let them talk because what they are telling you must get out. They cannot keep it bottled up any longer.
If you are experiencing trouble, please read this,If you are experiencing problems and thinking of doing something you may regret, please reach out. You are loved and you are needed, you are wanted, here. The repercussions of your actions in a vulnerable state can be horrible and painful for everyone that loves you. Please, if you feel you have no one to reach out to, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline – 1-800-273-8255. If you are feeling absolutely detrimental about your situation, please call 911. There is help available.
Where I am now in this journey
I want to make sure to tell you, the person reading this, I am fine. I was never going to hurt myself – I have too much to live for (they happen to have four legs and two are resting beside my computer right now). It was just a low point in my life, one that I have not experienced in quite a while.
Where I am now in this journey
I want to make sure to tell you, the person reading this, I am fine. I was never going to hurt myself – I have too much to live for (they happen to have four legs and two are resting beside my computer right now). It was just a low point in my life, one that I have not experienced in quite a while.
We are somewhat fortunate here in the Philippines...Most people care about suicide prevention and we have religious counsellors.
That is awesome. Here in the United States, any kind of "mental" problem is viewed as horrible until it is too late then it is a chorus of people claiming, 'if we only knew we could have helped."
Yes, it helps when people have some religious values in their lives.
Sorry to hear about the night terrors, but glad you're not suicidal. I have been through some rough stuff, but quitting on life altogether has never been something I have considered an option.
Night terrors are part of life, sometimes it is just a nightmare that felt too real, other times it is quite a bit more. The night before I wrote this post was one of those "too real" episodes that staid with me to the next day.
I have experienced suicide personally. Seen friends take that option, siblings of friends as well. I have seen the ramifications of that first hand. Seen how it hurts those left behind. I could never do that to the ones I love (especially my pups).
We have to find a way to cope with the bad. Bottling it up is not the way though.
A year so ago, an online friend was threatening suicide. He had been through some relationship disasters, deaths of loved ones, mental health problems, and who knows what all else. A couple other mutual online acquaintances and I spent a long night talking him down the edge, metaphorically speaking.
I can tell you from experience, the one described in the original post, that you and your online friends did an amazing thing. Why? Because my buddy check friend, Emmanuel, is an online only friend. We have never met. He is across the globe from me right now. He may have only been words on a screen but those word were amazing, powerful, and meant the world to me when I need it the most.
That is what you and your online friends did for y'all's other online friend. You were there for them when they needed y'all the most. You don't have to be there in person, looking the person in the eyes, to make a difference. Being there, listening, talking with them, dude - that shit can change a life in an instant. It shows who needs to hear it that people do care. People in probably the darkest point of their lives see others do care. That means the world, life, at the time it is needed the most.
Thank you for being there for your friend. I just wish more people had friends like yours did and I have. Maybe the world would be a little better.