As I watched the clouds drift by near sunset a short while ago, I found myself remembering how I stood on a beach overlooking the city across the water; late afternoon sunlight reflected in golden tones on the glass and metal of modern skyscrapers.
It was a warm summer evening and even though the city of millions was perhaps no more than a half mile across the bay, in front of me laid a clean beach with a wooden jetty, and the scent of jasmine and roses hung in the summer air.
Behind me, a stone wall some four feet tall; beyond, a belt of beach roses, and beyond that a treed lawn with a small older white cottage-like house... home. This was where I lived. My wife was in the house, getting something from the kitchen. I can see her clearly in my mind's eye; she looked like a young Naomi Watts, except with freckles.
I never actually stood on that beach. I've never seen that house. I've never seen or known that woman.
In fact I don't even know where it is. I've tried to find it; tried to logic my way into it where it might be but I have never succeeded. Maybe it does exist somewhere, maybe it doesn't.
I call such things "phantom memories."
They seem real, but yet they're not. They feel real, but yet they're not. They repeat, are consistently the same, and I'm "triggered" into having them by certain situations just like the ones that trigger other memories from my life that I know for sure did happen.
Yet I have no idea where these "phantoms" come from. Why does my brain play this fragment of a moment of life that never actually happened, but I feel like I am the protagonist in them? It almost feels like I mistakenly received a video clip from somebody else’s life, and somehow it got deposited into my brain by mistake.
The thing that is even crazier is that I sincerely miss that beach and that house in that moment, even though it never happened.
For a while, I theorized that perhaps I had seen that moment in a movie or on a TV program and had merely transposed myself into it because I related so deeply. But a lot of very dull and boring research later, I determined that it was clearly not the case.
I pored over my dream journals, thinking that perhaps the "memory" had actually been a dream, but no luck there, either. I suppose I should be grateful that I keep a dream journal...
Author John Koenig — creator of “The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows” — uses the word “Anemoia” to describe something very much like this particular memory fragment.
It is not the only such "memory" I have. There are at least three others, each of them from somewhere I have never been, and have no idea where is. But they feel undeniably real.
I'm not too worried about someone calling the people in the white van with padded walls and the straitjacket... after all, these memories are perfectly harmless, just puzzling. Because even though they feel like mine, they are not mine.
The human experience has some occasionally mysterious and wondrous parts to it... and perhaps they don't need to be explained; perhaps simply experiencing is enough. What is actually "real," and what is not?
I remember a conversation I had many many years ago, with a former girlfriend. She was rather astute and once asked if I could explain the "vague sadness" that always hung around me. In that moment (my cautious facade loosened by a few beers), I said "I'm mourning the loss of something that never existed," without thinking twice. I had been thinking about that very memory, when I gave that answer.
Maybe it's something we all experience...
Thanks for reading, and enjoy the remainder of your weekend!
How about you? Have you ever experienced having a memory of something that didn't actually happen? Did it leave you feeling slightly strange and puzzled? Or am I just mildly insane? Comments, feedback and other interaction is invited and welcomed! Because — after all — SOCIAL content is about interacting, right? Leave a comment — share your experiences — be part of the conversation!
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Created at 20220812 23:52 PDT
0630/1876
I've had vivid dreams that felt like memories of real places, but not quite like what you describe. There was always something just not right about layouts and situations that left me knowing it was not real.
What looks very real is solid curation on this post! Should help with your goals...
Thanks, Jacob. Yes, every bit helps get from point A to point B. People often forget that old truism "Even the longest journey begins with a single step."
I hope the curation "holds." Some of those upvotes came from accounts other accounts have personal vendettas against. Crossing fingers...
You're right, dreams generally have "strange" bits in them that make it obvious that they are fabrications from our mind, usually assembling bits of memory that actually don't belong in the same place.
I have to say that is pretty specific for a memory that never happened. If it were a childhood memory, perhaps it could be explained as blocked by some trauma...but you are not a child in this one.
I bet you have vivid dreams as well. I am a bit jealous as I have rarely ever had many vividly specific ones.
Yeah, it's very specific. But definitely not real, and not from a movie. No trauma involved.
Yes, I have a lot of strange, vivid and interesting dreams. I "got in touch" with that side of my being during therapy in my early 30's... my therapist assigned "keeping a dream journal" as homework... almost 30 years later, I've never stopped. I think we remember our dreams better when we learn "how to remember" them.
Yeah, don't worry! You are perfectly fine. :)
Some worthy and relevant imagery, indeed! Long time fan of "Eternal Sunshine."
Hi @denmarkguy! You are one of the few people I know that have outstanding imagery and never, ever make mention of it. Every day, it just flows and is the perfect image for the words. If it is not, we don't notice as the words have hooked me.
The dreams should be a little unsettling, but, perhaps it was a dream never surfacing about your perfect life/wife. You're not crazy and I dream things that didn't happen and I had to ask someone if it was true. I had the dream several times. I wasn't alarmed by it, just annoyed I couldn't figure out fact or fiction.
Great post as always! Have a great night!
Beautiful photography
Thank you!
I've had vivid dreams but not like the things you describe. I often dream that I'm flying. I have flied in several different ways: running fast with wings in my feets, jumping from one mountain to another (before I knew about Hulk), floating like in magnetic levitation...
The most strange that I remember is to remember of a life that I haven't lived. Hey! that looks like your experiences, but mine are just dreams.
I like the way you write. Greetings from a far-off land.