I have long held to the concept of measuring my life in depth rather than length - A long, but ignominious, life seems decidedly unappealing and, due to happenings along the way in my life, various challenges and opportunities, events both beautiful and catastrophic, I quickly understood my desire to bring depth to my life. It's a desire that I nurtured day to day both in my mind with thoughts and attitudes and physically through my actions. The result has been a life with few boundaries and limitations in respect of fulfilment, enjoyment and contentment.
Yesterday something came to pass that has left me contemplating the depth of life I have shared with another person. This person has been with me since the very beginning and has helped shape and guide me through life in the best way she knew how, even despite the momentous challenges she, herself, faced. I rely on her, being there, and even though she's not with me every moment physically, she is always with me emotionally and that touch, the lifetime spent with her, has brought me depth of life.
I don't know exactly when, the doctors won't say, however in the not too-distant future she'll be gone. It is too early.
She will shortly begin a course of chemotherapy that will endure until the end of her life, or until she decides to cease it. The last almost ended her life and this new treatment will have adverse effects, the loss of hair, of freedom, some physical pain and suffering, and all the while she'll know the end result will be the same no matter what. It breaks my heart.
I spoke with my man about depth of life yesterday and, as always, he provided great value. We spoke about the past, present and future, and how the latter will look, feel and be so different for me. We spoke about quality of life, of it burning brightly and the fact that the highest of flames will inevitably become an ember - It is the way of things. I cried a lot, that tends to be a constant in my life right now and, as he always does, he sat quietly throughout, offered strength through his closeness, and perspective with a well-placed word here or there.
Since my father passed away when I was eleven, after a long battle with cancer, I've been different. It was a terrible time for me. I wrote a little about it here, some time ago. I was young, had been through a tragic set of circumstances and it was my mother to whom I turned. We've been close of course, and I relied upon her; in truth we relied upon each other though. Looking back over those years I see a life of depth she helped shape and it is because of her influences I was to become the woman I am, and to lead the life I have - a deep and meaningful life - that, whilst not perfect, has been fulfilling.
This scenario, yesterday's terrible news, wasn't a surprise in itself, we knew it was coming at some stage, however the shock of hearing the words out loud, that an operation is not an option and that the chemotherapy treatment is palliative, came as an emotional shock. I'm still absorbing it and, in the process, have contemplated life; my own and others.
As humans, we are either alive or dead and, because no one knows what it's like to be the latter it makes sense to focus on the former. On life.
Today I'll be speaking with my mother, listening to her thoughts and looking to the future. We will talk about depth of life and how we can find that in the days and months time to come. She's pragmatic, a learned condition due to the adversity she's faced, and I believe that has helped her through the last four years despite the difficulties. That is not to say it's been easy; however, it's made the process a little easier to work with.
Considering the experiences of the very few people I allow around me, I believe I understand what it takes to positively deal with adversity; I've done so myself. I also understand death and what a person must do to face it down, and to stand up to it. We're all different though, we deal and cope with mortality differently. However, at the same time, we're all exactly the same in that we're alive and that brings the opportunity to chase after life a little, to find fulfilment and enjoyment and a depth of life we can look back over with a degree of contentment.
Becca 💗
Life is unexpected sometimes something happens in our life that we are not prepared to deal with. Yes, I noticed the same thing happened to you. I know it's pretty hard to convince someone who is already in a depth of pain and I always backward to let out something on the situation. It doesn't mean that I don't like to console the soul like to leave the man at the moment for a bit.
Yes, it's quite hard for someone when he loses someone who is the beloved of him or deals with some unexpected situation. I'm pretty safe on the matter that I have not lost any of my beloved people dealing with some major issue although I lost one of my uncles who was pretty close to my heart just because his both kidneys were been damaged and your words made me remember his absence.
I would like to say one thing, take your time and believe bad times are temporary. Hope everything will as simple as It was soon.
Thanks for your message and kind words at the end of it. I appreciate that.
Becca 🌺
You are welcome
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You have no idea how well I can understand what you've shared here. I've been trough a similar situation years ago and I say only those can fully understand, who've been trough it. Spend as much time with her as you can and give her everything you can. That's all you can do. It will help you recover from the trauma and have a clean conscience. Strange words I know, but I'm talking from experience, unfortunately. Stay strong and take care of yourself as well.
You are so right erikah, it is so difficult to comprehend without having been through it. Time is all we have now, limited time of course, but time that will come to mean a great deal in the future. I know that I'll move forward, that my life will go on but right now I want to be in the moment.
Thanks for your kind words.
Becca 💗
I'm so sorry to read this Becca, I understand how hard that is and if I were there, I'd hold your hand and try to simply be there for you.
Thank you Emma. Spending time with her is the priority, and making the moments seem normal, not loaded with thoughts of the inevitable. It's not easy, but it's necessary.
Thanks for your comment.
Becca 💗
Hard times for sure and I really hope that whatever the future holds, there isn't too much pain for anyone involved. Facing death is one thing, facing the imminent death of someone loved is another.
One thing I wish I had done more of with my parents before they passed, was get their understanding of me, learn about my own childhood and their impressions. I have so little view of that period and it is lost in time. It is partly because of this that I write so much for @smallsteps, because regardless of what happens to me, she can have something to turn to from me.
Take the time, talk a lot.
Knowing this point is coming is one thing, but the actual arrival of it...one cannot be prepared I think; we were not, despite believing we were. It will unfold though, and us with it; to accept it and act accordingly is all we can do.
I know what you mean about your parents, it's something that always troubled me with the loss of my dad. He knew up to the eleven-year-old me and no more; it has been a great sorrow to me that he missed out on my life...and I on his. Your writing for your daughter should continue in earnest.
Thank you for your comment.
Becca 🌷
If I had words of comfort I would certainly share them. Life is strange, inexplicable, wondrous, tortourous, and far too short. Enjoy every day that you can, and spread as much joy as you can. That's about all we can do.
It was of comfort writing this post, strangely enough, and some of the messages have been nice to receive; yours included. We certainly walk many paths in life, and I suppose all we can do is make the journey the best it can be and hope to look back on it without strong regret.
Thanks for your message.
Becca 💗
In life, there always comes a stage where life happens to us — we all aware, however it takes grace to come through. My heart is with you Becca, you sure gonna get over this.
Shalom!
Getting over it is not something I would like to do; there is no way to get over losing a parent, one just finds the ability to love life with them as a memory rather than a physical entity.
Thanks for taking a read.
Becca 😞
I'm so sorry to hear about this impossible situation 😢 My prayers are with you and your mom...
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Thank you for your kind thoughts. We're still processing this new information but have spoken about it as well; We're moving forward as best we can.
Becca 🌸
This is a very deep thought and you made me cry a little because I also lost my dad when I was just 7years and it was tragedic for me at that age but thanks to my mom who have been there thanks for sharing.
Losing a parent is always tragic and to do so at a young age impacts upon one's entire life. It can also deepen relationships as well, as it did with my mother and seemingly yours also.
Thanks for your comment.
Becca 🌷
You are welcome
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