Yesterday, I was taking advantage of mild weather pre-storm and doing the necessary get-ready-for winter activities in the yard. Things were going well and progress was being steadily made. The yard was 99% mowed, less than a minute to finish. I used a push mower for the entire yard - it just looks so much nicer - so, by then I was a bit sweaty and ready to get it over with.
With only a kiddie-sized pool of a patch yet to mow, I made a turn with the pusher. In the front yard, a large white machine was making its way slowly down the street. A relative of mine drives a street sweeper for the city. I hadn't seen him in over a year. "Is that him?" I thought.
With laser eyes, he saw me in the backyard and waved happily through the window. I energetically waved back. He passed in front of the house, out of view. I made another quick turn with the mower and looked to see if he popped out on the opposite side of the house - it he was continuing on. He did not pop into view. Meaning, he'd stopped to say, "Hi."
I really wanted to finish, now I was 99.1% done. Plus, I wanted to change from mowing to hoeing. The goal was to hoe some furrows in the garden to get some garlic bulbs in the ground while the soil was still soft.
However, now was the time to stop and talk. I shut it down.
Source: I drew/wrote this using kleki.com
Walking around to the front yard, I saw the big white machine first and then I saw him. My wife was already out there chatting.
I'm not completely sure of our relation. He's married to a niece of my wife, so guess he's a nephew. Anyway, although we're related by law, he and are are not related by blood, are close in age, and therefore he seems more like a friend.
Yet another reason I was in a bit of hurry was that there was a trivia question contest going on in which I was entered. The local radio station has a daily question, you call in your answer, and they pick a winner from the correct answer. And there's a prize, usually a book or a DVD they're promoting. I once won a Luciano Pavarotti tribute DVD, which was actually pretty awesome. Anyway, I had called in the answer just prior to firing the mower back up. It was one of those you-know-it's-the-right-answer-because-you-just-know-the-answer situations. (Lots of times, you're just not sure.) They were about to reveal the answer, and winner, so I wanted to listen in.
By the way, the question (which actually isn't even a question!) was: "A printer's strike pressured a Chicago paper to print this famous misstatement." Answer at the bottom of this page.
I knew the visit would be brief...as a city worker he's not supposed to stop and chit chat while "on the clock." He was stopping in because he's polite, hadn't seen us in a while, and is just a friendly guy. It'd be quick and nice. So, it was time to stop and talk.
Somewhat out of the blue, he announces that they (his brother and he) had to "put Mom in a home." She'd been slipping mentally the past few years, memory getting slippier, statements getting head scratchy. My wife and I had noticed this. This had gone down just this past September, he said. Evidently, he'd been running the idea by her, with an absolute, "No way," as the response. So, he said he had to blindside her, meaning he took her there unannounced. Now they were cleaning the home preparing it for sale. She'd never go home again.
That seems harsh, but there's no question in my mind it was done out of love. Since I really didn't know what to say, it was good that he just kept talking. Clearly, this was something that was and is on his mind. Clearly, this was something that he was and maybe is wrestling with. "Did I do the right thing?" would be the question. He indicated that not only was memory getting worse, it was playing tricks with rational thinking. Relatives who were dead were still alive in her mind. She talked about going to visit them. The medication prescribed had side effects of possible blackouts. Living alone, these were not healthy combinations.
I asked how she was adjusting, he said, "Not good." She doesn't like it there and packs up her things each day convinced she's going home. "They're medicating," he said. Understandably, this was something weighing on him.
There's irony in this story too. When my grandmother was in a nursing home, my wife (or was it future wife) and I visited her. I didn't know this, but my grandmother was a big reader. Never would have guessed it...she was a homemaker mother of ten children in a working class home. Her life was cooking, cleaning, diapers, laundry, and spanking. Reading was not something I ever thought she had time for. But, she gave me a book that day. It was a compilation from what she said was her favorite poet: Robert Frost. One of Frost's poems that I like is titled "A Time to Talk" and it's almost verbatim what I experienced yesterday. It reads:
A Time to Talk by Robert Frost
When a friend calls to me from the road
And slows his horse to a meaning walk,
I don’t stand still and look around
On all the hills I haven’t hoed,
And shout from where I am, What is it?
No, not as there is a time to talk.
I thrust my hoe in the mellow ground,
Blade-end up and five feet tall,
And plod: I go up to the stone wall
For a friendly visit.Source: https://poets.org/poem/time-talk
I assured him that the number one thing she needed immediately was safety and that he'd made sure she is in a safe place. He knew that, and although it was hard for everyone, he did what needed to be done.
The other ironic thing about the situation was that only a day earlier, I'd mentioned to my wife about how, sometimes/often, we need a friend to just sit with us. I really can't even remember the impetus for that conversation, but I said how lots of times we just need a friend who will sit with us...not talk to us, certainly not talk at us, but just sit with us. If that friend wants to talk, let them, and just listen. If that friend wants to not talk, and just sit, that's okay too. We'll sit together quietly and not say one damn word.
Certainly, there is a time to talk as well. Absolutely there is! The real trick is to know when to talk, and when to just shut up and either listen to them talk or just shut up together.
Naturally, I've learned the importance of this skill - the skill of just being a friend by being there and keeping my mouth shut - from dogs. Dogs are man's best teacher. When you need a friend to just be with you, they know.
And oh! [This is an edit 30 minutes or so after posting.] After reading through this, one more bit of irony occurred to me (and I can't believe I missed this and can't believe how these things are meshing together). There was a funeral scheduled for yesterday as well. Yesterday morning, my wife and I debated...should we attend the funeral? It was an old lady, near 100 years, who was classy, funny and fun. And, she was a huge opera fan. She'd seen them all, likely several times and likely in person. After watching that Pavarotti DVD I'd won, I thought, "She's gotta see this!" I think that DVD might actually be at her home right now.
Obviously, we did not attend the funeral but chose to do our chores instead. By missing out on the funeral, we enjoyed the chance to chat with our relative/friend and offer a supportive ear to listen.
My relative/friend did almost all of the talking, seemed a bit relieved to get things out, then said, "Gotta go," hopped up in his big machine, and roared off.
When I turned the radio back on, I'd just missed the answer and the winner announcement. Oh well, no big deal. The mowing and hoeing got done just fine.
That had been a time to talk. Rather, it was a time to listen.
Answer to the quiz question: "Dewey Defeats Truman"
After looking up the answer online, I didn't win. No Pavarrotti last night.
[Edit: the part about the funeral added in about 30 minutes after posting originally]
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It's been a while since I enjoyed reading anything on hive. This post just changed that for me, thank you.
I am from Nigeria and it is not in our culture to put our parents away in a shelter. I know it's quite common abroad. I don't know if I would be comfortable doing that really. It is certainly a difficult decision to make.
Yes, I've not been in such a position either, thankfully. Ideally, a parent would stay at home with family. The problem is when the child (the adult) must work to earn a living and pay the bills and cannot be at home with the parent. Leaving the parent alone can become a safety issue. I suppose hiring a nanny or nurse type would be another option. All are tough options.
Glad you enjoyed the read though.
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