Which isn't to say those horrors are not of value. Our current society latches on to trauma like it's a prized new toy, a possession to flaunt and lord over those less fortunate. In itself, that's a complex issue. Ours is an egocentric society because it can afford to be, or so we think. Now that the more pressing matters of famine and catastrophe have been stripped from us, we can afford to turn to other pursuits, like our own heads. Hence the intense focus on identity and mental health.
In itself, it's not new, it's a trend that traces back to mid, maybe late 19th century, and it was a gradual progression. In other words, we're not being mental on a whim. Though until recently, being sane and normal was perceived as a good thing. And yet, young people today tend to hold on to any tiny bit of hurt, imagined or real, ascribing to that an overwhelming and irrational identifying quality.
To say you're not defined by the atrocity you endure isn't just a cutesy "you got this" quote on Instagram. It's true, and it might not be as encouraging or happy as we first think. Because once you take away that survivor badge, who are you? It leaves you in a conundrum, which is why many people are adamant not to let go.
If you're the rape victim, you're someone. If you're the robbery victim, you're someone. Even got a "the" there and everything.
Surviving trauma is very hard, because it's everywhere, and because it's relentless. The people you love die, and you're left with this giant, human-shaped hole inside you that no one tells you how to fix. You get hurt, sometimes by people you trust, sometimes badly. You contract horrible, fatal disease for no reason whatsoever. Life's pretty terrible, if you look at it from the vantage point of all the shitty things that could happen. That do happen.
And the reason why surviving is so hard is that you don't get to define yourself everafter by the hardship you endured. Because that's not surviving. That's just going on, and sure, you can do that, too. There are things, usually loss, that make it so that you can't piece life back together. Not quite.And what gets me about this whiny first-world society is that it's taking away from those people, and their real hurt.And that's unfair, because they already got enough on their plate.
I think there are few things in life that you can't get past. Very few. And most of the modern-day victims of whatever-shaming, or whatever-phobia, they're just parasitic, piggybacking on humanity's natural sympathetic impulses. People are generally nice, so they'll feel for you if you say you feel bad. But it's gotten to an extreme. Now everyone's a victim, in a support group, championing some remote cause that doesn't need championing.
And the trouble there is, it's telling young generations that unless you have something bad going for you, then you're not a real person at all. The reason why this appeals to youth in particular is that a lot of these kids haven't encountered trauma of a real kind. They're kids, their parents and grandparents are mostly still alive, they haven't been hurt in any real, scarring sense. Because once you do experience that kind of visceral hurt, it's no longer cute, it's life-or-death. You either do your damnedest to fight your way up, or you go down for good, because we're only able to endure so much.
Survival isn't about defining yourself by your trauma. It's living every day, fighting not to let it define you. That's what survival is.
And so, in the interest of survival, maybe it's time we started promoting a different kind of mentality altogether. You should never run from your hurt, that does no one any good. But maybe you shouldn't be so keen to embrace it (and never let go).
Maybe instead of being the sum of all the deaths you've seen, you're the sum of the children you've had, or the children you've had a positive impact on. New life, not that which is gone.
Maybe instead of being defined by all the people that hurt and abused you, you're the sum of the people you helped, and supported, and encouraged, and loved.
And maybe, instead of drawing yourself in the things you've lost or that were taken from you, you reimagine yourself in all the things, and experience and knowledge you've gained.
Your story gets told regardless. You're the one who decides whether to tell it in the light, or in darkness.
What are you worth,
The things you love,
Or the people you hurt?
The things you love. Always.
Hey there!
A powerful post!
Someone once asked me "what is my story" in an attempt to see what connection they could make, or just wanting to apply a label to be able to "relate" to me.
I responded that I have overcome so much in my life, but I've never regarded myself as a victim or a survivor, and I ensure that my present actions are not influenced by anything negative that I have lived, because I refuse to hold onto any such bad experiences to make them my identity.
Why the heck should I make something bad that happen to me define me?
💯
I like your views on life.
Yes <3 So agree with that. A lot of people like to play it like they don't have a choice. But I don't see why you'd ever cast yourself in that role.
Also a good way to manipulate, once you wheedle out one's traumas and insecurities. They're putty in your hands, or might be. Which is why you want to be careful who you share any sorrow or fear with.
Thank you! I'm glad you found yourself in this post.
I really love your mind, probably because we come to very similar conclusions about things. I agree with all of that and would add the same thing goes for addiction. This idea that once an addict, always an addict keeps people in a perpetual victim role rather than "I was once an addict and I am no longer." The fact that they beat it should be the focus, not the fact that they have a potential of backsliding. Saying "This is no longer me, the fight is won" rather than "I will always be this and it's a constant battle". Could someone slip up? Sure they could, but they're so much more likely to wake up the next day and be like "well that was stupid, and a good reminder of why I stopped" and hit the refresh button if they don't have this idea that they're not truly in control. That it's a disease rather than a choice.
I guess that's what I find to be the big problem with it, the establishment has perverted what actual empowerment and growth truly is because the establishment benefits from the backsliding and not the victory.
That's always bugged me too about so many addiction campaigns and activists. It's casting the addict as a perpetual victim, never really capable of rising above. What's mind-boggling is that so many poor people have been tricked into thinking this is a win, but you know, not a proper one, 'cause you're one shot away from fucking up. Yeah, well, who isn't?
Agree with what you said. 100%. Obviously, it's not you who's got to believe, but as long as you, the outsider, give up and don't believe in the addict's hopes and dreams, you're as good as pushing the needle in.
Unfortunately. It's also found wonderful ways to mutate addiction in all these new, exciting "non-harmful" ways. Porn is an addiction, particularly among young men. Shopping is an addiction, too, but instead of shake your head in despair, you just shrug it off -- oh well. Social media, also, is an addiction, largely because it weakens your self-confidence and leaves you hollow.
Point is, now, it's not just drugs or alcohol or nicotine. It's all these other "non-threatening" addictions that we've demoted to "bad habits" or "guilty pleasures". You wouldn't say Bill's guilty pleasure is heroin, would you?
Sorry, didn't mean to slip into a rant.