PHOTO BY MEYesterday, I was enjoying a quiet moment when I received a notification on my phone. I checked, and it was a voice note from my uncle. This is what it said:
"Nonso, why don't you check up on me? You people should not let me go like this. It will not be good for the family."
I was dumbfounded at first. Where is this coming from? What family are we talking about? Why did this person think it was acceptable to dump on me? There were a lot of questions in my mind.
My relationship with this person is a bit complicated. He is my father's brother, and we have a history, one I do not like to remember because it always takes me to a bad place. However, every time I try to move forward with this relationship, though I clearly don't want to, but I commit out of respect for my father, this person keeps drawing me back.
I live a fairly decent life. I have a wife, mother, niece, and 3 siblings, whom I am responsible for to a large degree (without any external help). It is not the easiest of tasks, but I do my best. At the same time, I am trying to build a decent life for myself and my new family (which is near impossible). This person is very aware of my situation, so I wonder why he thinks he can insert himself into the growing list of people I should cater to.
One of the reasons I lost my father was that he could not afford his insulin medication. This was at the point where Venezuela (where he lived) experienced hyperinflation. He lost almost everything, and there was really no one who came to his aid, including his family. I am not mad about that because I understand this is life to some degree. It was a hard pill to swallow.
Now, I am not big on holding grudges. I like to be the bigger person in most situations (mostly to my detriment). I have helped this person in my little way. However, one thing I have promised myself is that I will never overextend myself for anyone (even family) because most times, people never really appreciate it, and most importantly, it is not good for my mental health.
Also, and this might sound controversial, but I have realized that people tend to overstep when they realize that you are reliable and kind. They turn your acts of generosity, kindness, and ability to hold spaces for them into something they are entitled to and deem it fit to trauma dump on you.
I understand things are really difficult right now. I am willing to part with whatever I can, but what I will not accept is letting people think I owe them something. This idea is killing most men, and no one really cares because no one would unless you stand up for yourself (as a man or even woman). This whole idea of being a man (whatever that means) and holding spaces for other people is the reason why my said Uncle lost everything he had as well. All the men in my life have fallen for the same trap, and I am not about to make the same mistake.
I have the right to say "no". I refuse to be coerced or emotionally blackmailed or cornered into doing anything at my own expense for the greater good of other people. I do not want to wear the nobility badge. I am willing to disappoint people and fall short. It is normal; I am a human being.
I empathize with this said Uncle. I hope his kids get to a better position where they can take care of their dad. He was a generous person when he had a lot, but like him, my father, and many other men I know, who feel they can carry the weight of the world alone (with no help), things don’t end well for them.
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As a man, trying to be the bigger person in all situations always comes at a detriment to your own self. People use it as a leeway to get at you and suck you dry like a drought stricken land. It's a whole psychological situation that people can get trapped at.
Spot on.
Every man (or person) should protect their mental health and finances. It is easy to lose it all trying to help everyone (but yourself)
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