I arrived here three years ago, supposedly due to an economic situation and a pandemic; What I didn't know was that my soul was broken from accumulated pain, I didn't feel good even taking a photo, and I was about to discover myself writing about my life.
I have always said that I admire couples who share a dream, a goal, who together create projects to fulfill them. Today I see it clearly, not because I am the protagonist, but I see you fulfill that dream. Today I am the one who is extra, the spectator who must change plans.
I apologize if my lines stun or bother you. But it is a need that I feel and I want to write about what is happening because I feel a desperate suffocation. And I prefer to write, vent and when I open the door continue as if nothing happens.
I had to go to his networks to understand it, yes I already went to his social networks, and I saw how young a woman almost my age can look who has no children, a stable job and only takes care of her puppy, but surely he saw more qualities.
If he wanted to destroy my confidence as a woman, you have achieved it. I am destroyed as a woman.
The weekend has been amazing. Every time I even turned your trunk to maybe look at where I am inside the house, I want to run away and cover myself with a sheet or disappear. I feel destroyed, a horrible woman. I just understood that all the complaints I made days ago are nothing more than the comparisons I made about how inattentive she was, insensitive to her work, and other countless defects that I apparently have had for 9 months; I only understand that they emerge when he barely hears or sees me. I understand now that every time he came home he barely walked through the door and saw my face and he was already upset. I never received you like she did, I was never capable.
I feel so terrible that the many tears I have in my eyes barely allow me to write. But I need to do it. I feel like I'm not capable of feeling anything other than pain, feeling like a very, very ugly woman who can't even cry out loud because she has to take care of her children.
Whoever sees me behind the door, no one. Then my body leans in such a way that my stomach feels so much pain from searching in myself for those many defects that you mentioned to me and now knowing that it was all a lie. You're just comparing me to someone you've barely known for months and with whom you have a close relationship.
The photos of him, at every moment of the day, when he arrives at work, when he gets home, when he changes, during the work day. They have become good company. How sad to know that I was away and how could I find out about your daily shift at work. Day that you share with her. Together, far from here, living a full and happy life. Hours of moments that I never have nor will I have.
How empty, how confused and how ugly I feel. You saw hope and future in the one who gave you company. You saw horrors in me that not even I can find.
"Don't demand what you don't give" "Don't demand what you yourself do" Since when haven't you asked me how I'm doing at work? I still didn't understand, it seems like you brought something already prepared.
I was just remembering how sad I felt on my birthday and you seemed to have another idea.
My despicable face every time you returned after 6 or 15 days does not compare to the pleasant company and daily photographs that you see on your phones. His eyes, his face, his joy in every photo he sends you are not the same as those on his social networks.
How ugly I am, full of gray hair. With my hands of veins sprouted and finished. How could I think that a photo of me was going to occupy a space to remember my birthday. I feel like it will be a long time before I feel comfortable taking a photo as close as I did until yesterday. I will never have her beauty and accept that I will never have her kindness either. You have earned a desired trophy in the work environment that surrounds them.
Your reproaches for being so inattentive when you finally arrive after 7 or 14 long days. Honestly, I was also exhausted from just taking care of the children, their needs and every care of the home. Alone, because you went far away to look for a better future for everyone. But today the future doesn't matter.
It is important that you feel accompanied and warmly cared for.
I spoke talking about my cryptographic world, of zoom meetings and meetings. About my things and my short shopping list between diapers, diaper rash cream and daily food. How was it that he was wondering about your work day, if you don't tell me, how was it that I could understand anything about the operation of the phosphorus plant. I don't even know if that's the case.
I want you to leave now, I no longer want to see your eyes criticizing every unkind gesture I make, every expression on my face, every time I wrinkle my face because my eyes don't even see well anymore. Mom must set rules at home, take care of the children, run the house responsibly. She can't always laugh like someone who lives happily hugging a puppy and has a stable job. But that's my hateful face. I don't know how many women feel like me. I hope there are few or none. Because it's horrible. It's hard to let yourself cry and feel pretty again.
All plans have changed for me. It's no longer the future I thought we had. We even just changed from living with my parents to living rented. But of course you said it more than a month ago, the thing is that I didn't understand it.
You were clear: Together or separately, Susana, we have to buy a house. You were clear, and I was lost as always, between diapers and parenting. Believing myself to be the hardest working and busiest.
Because I am now saying this on my blog, because I want to, because I don't have someone to hug close and tell them how horrible this crying that comes from my stomach feels.
Now I understand everything.
Hello my Sussy.
I went through that years ago. I understand you perfectly. It is difficult to be a mother and for them not to understand all the responsibility that it entails on us.
You will get ahead my Susy, that's what I thought in those days. It was in 2016 when I decided to get away from all that torment. But here you see me, I said enough is enough, the train has arrived here.
However, take things calmly. You are a very enterprising woman, very agile, very pretty and a good mother, willing to get ahead with your children. Don't be afraid, every beginning is difficult and there are deaths.
I hug you from here in the distance, I love you and appreciate you very much Susy, you are neither the first nor the last woman to go through this. Don't care about other people's comments, only yours and yours.
A big hug and a big kiss in the distance but not in oblivion 😘😘😘
Thanks Male.
It is difficult to understand and accept at this point in my life. I feel fear and pain at the same time. The comments. So many who don't even know me who approve of this because they believe that I am something I have never been. Thanks Male
Writing is a way to drain that which perhaps you are not able to shout. Scream loudly and let out that thing that right now you have stuck like a dagger in your chest and that causes you so much pain. Don't punish yourself for not being what someone else expected from you, never lose faith in yourself. A hug.
Thanks Gora
I'm a little confused now about what I am, what I should be and what I wasn't. And because of so much guilt and failure...
Thanks guys 🫂
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