My Poetic Reality ..
Or so I am calling it that today. I am giving myself permission to have an off day. Sure I am having them more often than I used to, but life isn't as full as it once was. The house is quieter, my creativity has diminished, any kind of motivation went out the window, and my overall mood is somber at best. I told myself this morning that I would do something today, to let some of these negative thoughts go. Possible some sort of free write or free flow poetry will do the trick.
It’s not a secret that I have been battling with the loss of our baby boy Pepper. One day I am up and the very next I’m down in the dumps. Last night, I was feeling okay, then like a flash of lightning, it was all over. I made the mistake of looking at stored photos of him on my phone. I sank deeply in depression and wanted nothing to do with anything that required mental or physical energy.
I Don’t Want To Rush The Healing Process ..
Because that would mean moving on. In the back of my mind, moving on could mean losing some of the little memories. Memories like how his ears flopped up and down when he walked in front of me. How he smelled when I held him in my arms and close to my face. The little sniffling breath he would take, just as he got super comfortable.
Will I forget these things? He is no longer here to remind me of them. He didn't let me know that one day I may forget all about those small details I cherished so much. I knew the end of his days would eventually come. I didn’t plan on this happening now. I was in denial thinking that he would just die some other day, and that day would never be September the 12th. He forgot to live his life in a way where his death would be easier on me. To Love deeply is to suffer deeply when death comes to take our loved ones.
The Hardest Times For Me ..
Are mornings, evenings, and weekends, when I used to play or take care of him. I now find myself staring off toward the wall or at the floor, lost in thought. I feel unmotivated. I also feel like the creativity and inspiration I used to know, died along with Pepper. I force myself away from it, pushing those thoughts down and away, so I can carry on with my routine. It was stupid to think it would be easier than this.
I can’t wait until my emotions don’t change at the drop of a hat. Despite being depressed today, I will see my thoughts through and things will get better. I am looking forward to a stronger and brighter tomorrow. The temperatures will be warm and the sun will be plentiful. I am looking forward to tomorrow, when my thoughts will swing the other way.
A Poetic Attempt ..
For today, I decided to just let my (grey) emotions free flow into this poem. I am not a poet, so it may not follow any certain rules (I just don't know them). I really just wanted to write it to get some of the negativity out and make a choice to smile at the end of today. After all, my wife and Molly are looking forward to the smiles and hugs I have waiting for them.
‘Is This Still My Reality?’
My thoughts are late
A bewildering mess
Morning came early today
The night ended badly
Still caught in the grips
On the edge of a dream
Close to mental reality
In the place my friend died
Where he took his last breath
I don’t want to be here
I can’t will myself from here
Morning memories so vivid
There is no clearing my head
The night walks close at heel
She is behind me and still
With its cold hand upon my neck
I kneel to the ground again
There is no warmth on the floor
I lay still and motionless
Trying to turn back time
I am an optimistic dreamer
A pessimistic life I live
I am devout to the moment
Laying here on the floor
Sifting through time past
Gripping my ears so tight
Moving a hand to my chest
Resting my head right here
His heart is stopping now
Slipping away from reality
Running into my dream
I shall awake in time
Is this still my reality?
See.. I already feel better and am even smiling a little. Thank you for hanging in there while I ride out this depression.
Brighter posts to come. I promise.
Thank you for swinging by my blog and checking out the post. Have a great day!
“In a tired time, with the light outside drifting away for another day and the lights inside flickering as they come to life, I cup my hands together and prepare to give thanks ... to the life of a day given to me. A day shared with past and present, living and dying, of body and not, and a realization that in everything that is, there is something that was.”
― R.J. Heller, Holding Grace
All words, pictures and art pieces are the sole property of B D Miller Gallery, unless otherwise noted and credited, and are not to be reproduced or copied without the prior written consent of B D Miller Gallery.
About Me ~ The Artist
My art work incorporates a wide variety of subject matter, including landscape, seascape, cityscape, and still life images. My works are the product of a continuing process of exploration through which I seek to portray personal and visionary interpretations of my surroundings. My paintings are impressions of places and events from everyday life, an interpretation of my imagination, and personal responses to what I see and feel on a daily basis. More recently I have invested generous amounts of time into my landscape painting. I am surrounded by natural and man made beauty, which inherently presents itself in the tri-state area, and almost demands that I paint it.
Not everything is art. Art is not everything, but it comes close. Art is everywhere and all the time. Art makes you experience the beauty of the world, the people in it, and the places we call home. Art itself is so influential that it can tell stories, show feelings, and express passion or fury. Art exists in addition to language; expression of sensations and thoughts, revealing a way of thinking too subtle and delicate for words.
For me art requires love, honesty and perseverance. In return, it reveals some personal, non-analyzable, and creative untamed passion. For the public, art with its magnificent beauty, improves mood and health and builds better human beings and communities. It engages the intellect, softens the heart, strengthens the soul and frees the spirit.
If Your Interested In Purchasing Any Of My Work:
They can be found for sale on
Saatchi Art
Or
Etsy
If you don't see the piece in either shop, It may still be drying. Let me know and I can upload it as soon as possible to be available. Or you can always make me an offer (in HBD, Hive or any other crypto) in the comments section of this post. If we agree on a price, I will then ship the painting to you. (shipping costs will be determined by your location).
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It is the hardest thing in the world to lose a member of your family. It's not "just a dog" or "just a pet". It's a member of your family! And you are allowed to grieve, my friend.
When I lost my last dog - Anya - I was an absolute mess. That was 13 years ago, and there are still days that I miss her. She was a pure white Siberian Husky. She was beautiful. Dumb as a rock, but so beautiful and so sweet. In the winter we'd hook her up to the sled and have her pull the kids around. Of course, Tetra, my current dog, is pure black. Seems fitting.
There were days I could barely function, until one particular night. I remember it very well. I dreamt that Anya was in the back yard asking to be let in; she would never bark, but would always scrape at the door (one day I'll replace the door, too). Anyway, in the dream, I went to let her in. I opened the door and there she stood, tall and proud the way Husky's do. But she didn't come inside. She turned, walked back down the steps, and just disappeared. It was like she came to say goodbye.
You'll never heal completely, but you're already a better person for having him. And when you're ready the days will be bright again.
Thanks Victor. I hope to have a nice dream of Pepper soon. Then maybe I can have the same feeling of calm come over me too. Sounds like Anya was beautiful and a prized member of the family. Their lives are just too stinking short.
Well said and so very true. I AM a better person for having him in my life. 😊
!ENGAGE 25
ENGAGEtokens.Letting go of the grief will not have you forget Pepper. The grief, in the unavoidable way, is about letting go of the physical addiction we have to those who were physically present in our lives. I recommend a lot of sleep for this. I have a friend that recently lost his cat and is suffering similarly. I told him that she will visit him in his dreams and ease the healing, not forgetting.
Once the grief resolves itself, you will get to enjoy your memories more and find your heart has grown bigger and stronger, and there will be room for more and new attachments, but yes you have to be ready to let go and let it be. You'll get there.
To your poetic prowess. You got the goods. You have a wonderful ability to create contrast and connection between each line, and you express deep emotion without becoming precious ... this is rare.
You better keep writing:)
I wasn't really thinking of it like that. Now that I am thinking about it in that way, it makes perfect sense. I hope he comes to me in my dreams and I remember it vividly. Thant would be so therapeutic to my soul right now.
Haha.. "the goods" and "rare" .. Now my head is getting bigger.. hehe. Thank you for the encouragement. I have a lot of poems and unfinished writing tucked away in a notebook. Maybe one day I will share some of the work. For now I will leave the awesome professional stuff to the real writers like yourself!
I will keep writing. For one I enjoy it almost as much as I enjoy painting. The only way to improve it is practice! I may as well practice some more 😁
!ENGAGE 25
I suppose I am only a real writer cause I do it a lot and have done so for a long time. That would make you one too. Look forward to reading more:)
ENGAGEtokens.It is a rough road, we all take the time we need when it comes to loss. I don't think it is about moving on, I think it is about accepting the loss, and holding on to those memories. One thing I know it will be a very long time before I lose that image in my head of Pepper looking out the window. I don't know how long he sat there taking in the scene, looking for changes from the last time he looked, or if he was making sure he would not forget it when he passed on.
I never got to know Pepper in the walking world, but the images, and the thoughts and his life you shared with us will live on in not only your memories, but ours also.
He sat there for a good long time. He would eventually fall asleep sitting up and fall over.. hehe. It makes me smile to think you found that picture so intriguing. When you said it looked like a TV screen, I was surprised that I had never noticed that part.
Thank you for being a kind and supportive friend. I am pretty sure that if we lived closer and you got the chance to meet him, he would of loved you. He would of also pestered you for a walk or to throw his ball so he could chase it.. I am very sure of it.
!ENGAGE 25
ENGAGEtokens.lovely poetry and pet i love it clack qnd white picture its like gentleman
thanks!!
Thank you for your courage and openness to share your emotional journey through the loss of your best friend!
Thank you for reading about it and leaving a nice comment. The comments are helping me to heal as well. Such great support.
I'm glad that you're healing, you have all of my support!
Awwww.. Thank you @ackhoo and the curation collective!😊
Love all the photos you've selected here... especially the last one!
❤️ Pepper! ❤️
Thank you.. It makes me happy that you were able to view them. He was a great friend and companion to me. He will be forever cherished and tremendously missed.
Great poem, I am glad it has been somewhat therapeutic for you.
Thank you for the compliment! It means a lot to me. Yes.. I feel much better today for sure. Getting it all out helps, unless people get sick and tired of the depressive writing. haha.😁