“The way I see it, our natural human instinct is to fight or flee that which we perceive to be dangerous. Although this mechanism evolved to protect us, it serves as the single greatest limiting process to our growth. To put this process in perspective and not let it rule my life, I expect the unexpected; make the unfamiliar familiar; make the unknown known; make the uncomfortable comfortable; believe the unbelievable.” ― Charles F. Glassman
I share the above quote more for convincing myself than anything else… I mean that is the entire purpose of reading quotes is it not – to convince ourselves – to shift our mind-set from one state of being to another. Truth is, our mind will believe anything it is told often enough and this is a recipe I have lived more than once. It is one which works and I will continue to use it.
Glory, I have whinged a lot in my posts lately – I am sorry!!!! Yeah sure, my content is normally emotionally or psychologically driven but the tone lately has not been “me”… it has been different and that is because things in my life right now are VERY “different” (if that is even the word). I just thought I would put that out there for the sake of pushing the opaque toward transparency. No, I will not get into any detail – it is simply not necessary, but the explanation alone I felt – was necessary and as I travel this “new road” I can only ask for your patience with my expressions, if you will.
My blog space here has always been a synced part of my life, emotional process, healing and growth. It is where I come to share my thoughts, feelings, joys, frustrations, fears and a few foodie or travel adventures along the way – my intention always being, that some of my words or experiences resonate with another. A quote I read once, which I have always associated with my somewhat eccentric and demonstrative writing…. “One Day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will become someone else’s survival guide”. That is what it is all about for me – even if I never even know it happened! Sharing our life experiences through written word is not only healing to ourselves but also affords comfort to the many silent mouths which read them.
Today I am writing about my own “fight or flight” issues which reared their head yesterday. These “knee jerk” emotions are not something I have had to deal with for a very long time if I am honest, for the simple reason that I have been living in something which I can refer to as nothing more than a “dead space”. In many ways it was a comfortable space – “dead” can feel good, as strange as that sounds – it alleviates complication for the most part… but it also cancels out all the amazing things which your life should be presenting you with. Thing is, when you have been hurt – really hurt, self-preservation becomes a priority and bubble wrap… offers that, but like I say – simultaneously keeps everything else at bay too.
A little while ago, I had reason to believe I could unwind the bubble wrap, stand exposed and allow myself to be “prodded” again… you know, see if I could actually still feel anything. I did… and how! I was swept up, carried, enveloped and almost drowned in how much I felt… and you know what – it felt SO GOOD, not only to FEEL, but to feel WHAT and HOW I did! I want to feel like that forever… but my fears are messing with my plans! They stand there, sniggering, laughing and mocking my passionate abandon, just stoking the fire of insecurity… and then, all it takes is one little moment… one sentence and my mind will say “told you so!”… it is literally a complete system shutdown from that point forward.
Internal negotiation naturally happens, the demons lay low and suddenly I am looking at the empty space which they created. Pretty much like arriving late to a party being held in your own house… you missed the point and fun of it all, but are still left to handle the aftermath. I am getting REAL tired of cleaning up after my demons!!!! And what peeves me more about this situation more than any other is that I know in my heart, the VERY person which I shut out… is the SAME one who will tame those demons completely if given even half a chance.
I spent eight years of my life married to someone who abused me physically, emotionally and verbally. He was also not the first – my teen boyfriend of five years was. I have since spent the last 8+ years with someone who is simply incapable of emotional expression (unless that expression is dominance). I suppose I just flicked the switch off – got over it all! I was not expecting the tidal wave which was delivered (thank you universe). I was and am, ill prepared… but I want it... one that actually WANTS to understand me and all my broken bits… Does it EVER get better than that?! Unlikely! As for the demons...TAKE THE BACK SEAT, OR BETTER YET… GET OUT!
Our fears and insecurities rob of us of so much in life. Like thieves in the night they steal all the things we value the most, deprive us of the good and put our focus in all the wrong places. I see you! I hear you! I acknowledge you! And then I DENY YOU ANY FURTHER ACCESS TO MY LIFE! For the first time in my life, I have been blessed and I won't take it for granted or disregard it because of environmental manipulation or my own short comings. Absolutely EVERYTHING about my life has been richer for that presence and all I want, is more of that! No half measures anymore… not that there ever were, but let’s just say… no more hiding in the shadows – not for me anyway…
I suppose I should get to a point, if you have not yet picked up on one through everything I have written, essentially what I am saying is this… Don’t let the bad experiences of your past hinder your future.
“Make a promise to yourself that you will always choose growth over safe and dreams over fear.” ― Brittany Burgunder
❤❤❤
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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Your reactions are justified, normal, as we all wish to protect ourselves from a repeat of unpleasantness. I have been there, and will again I'm sure. But there is more, if we care to look. If we dare to look.
I like the part about you shining some light on yourself though, refusing to stand in the shadows; It is a place people who know and love you don't feel comfortable seeing you. It takes courage and effort and can be just as frightening as the things that put you in the shadows, this I know. But when a little light is added things can look a little better.
It's like two people in a dark room...If one lights a candle some light glows around them both - If the other lights one too, off the already lit one...More light. It's that cocoon of light that begins to push shadows back.
Light candles Jaynie. Be bright, be vibrant, be you.
thank you.
Poor words from a knucklead who has been through some shadows, and will again. If the words help then they have done their job. A little support goes a long way, as does a little light and love. More should show both.
You are welcome, and thank you for a good post.
We must be careful who we let into our lives and recognize our patterns before we do that. Sometimes a reflection of the past can solve a lot in the future.
Happy Mother's Day @jaynie, enjoy the day.
History tends to repeat it's self, Recognizing the pattern is half the battle. It takes a lot of courage and self reflection to break the cycle. Fear is crippling. I congratulate you for your strength, never give up. You have a warm heart and a loving soul.
Bam and that on mothersday, the best gift to yourself a letter to express.
Not everybody will gain from it now but will probably will some day.
The fact that you know what you want and had to “pay” for that is not ok but is life and you did good, as said before when the hart says its ok the body pain will get less with time. On to the next chapter and wear the T-shirt “been there dealt with it great “ with pride. I will call you tonight
The challenges one faces can either cripple the person or make them stronger.
From what I have come to know about @janie, I would expect that you will move forward and the outcome will be that you're stronger for surviving this experience. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. You are a survivor, one that has been blessed with the gift of a child. Our shoulders are made for children to lean on, it's now time for you to lean on your son's shoulder as his love for his mom trumps all else.
Coming to terms with a bad situation is half of the battle, which you have won, the remaining fallout will succumb to your appetite for life.