“The mind once enlightened cannot again become dark.”
― Thomas Paine
As a child I loved speaking. Won best speaker in the school once too. Received a trophy and a voucher for Exclusive Books, with which I purchased some really random “A-Z Encyclopaedia of Animals” – I am guessing this selection was probably not my own, lol – which would most likely explain why I have opened it perhaps a handful of times since receive, yet it still sits on my bookshelf. I also used to love running. Athletics was probably the ONLY sport that EVER appealed to me. Every time trials would arrive, I would promise myself that I would make sure I didn’t come in the top three, but that gun would go off and any thought I had used to convince myself with prior would vanish quicker than a thief in the night.
Piano, my long lost LOVE… I sat in lessons, year after year – never really “enjoying” them because I found the reading of music boring – yet, if I could listen to it… I could play it – well, if I wanted to. My best friend and I both did piano at the time, she was a grade or two ahead of me, but we learned a duet together. We were SO good that not only the school, but the local paper featured our performance at the concert that night. I can remember the fear like it was yesterday. My fingers were so wet with perspiration that they literally SLID off the keys. I was so scared that I was going to hit a wrong note… but I didn’t.
My passion for the piano never left me. It was my saving grace during my drug induced college years. I would come home and sit for two to three hours a day making up tunes and simply “rambling” but with notes instead of words. It was the escape from my escape. It took me back to a place where I could feel the roots extend from my feet into the earth below me, reconnecting my “real self” to at least one thing that truly mattered. I said goodbye to that escape when I bought my first property at the age of 20 - Life lessons and all that. Something had to pay the transfer fees and my piano was “it”. I WILL get another piano one day and it will be a White Grand and it will ALWAYS have a MASSIVE vase of flowers on it as a tribute to my mom – ROSES to be specific.
I look at the above three paragraphs and I think shit fnck!! So much potential, so many opportunities lost, squandered or forgotten… and that is just a simple fraction from tween years… it is almost overwhelming to think of how much else I have fncked up over the years. A recent example of which was the cookware range I was asked to represent a couple of years ago. I did the representation, yes – cooked stuff and shared it whilst simultaneously promoting their brand (which IS awesome) – then I was asked if I would be interested in doing a cookbook with that brand behind it. My insecurity said no and a few months later, one of South Africa’s most well renowned chefs was on the cover of that book… but you know what, I still would have said no… because I often don’t have ANY self-belief… just like you.
It is pretty sad when you add it all up, isn’t it. I have spent many years contemplating all of this. How would things have been different for me if I didn’t start throwing LSD down my throat at the age of 11, counting my last cents on amphetamine week after week and living in a state of being twelve joints a day stoned… I reckon it would have turned out a whole lot different.
I probably, would never have laughed at my History final to the point of being sent to the headmasters office, I probably wouldn’t have passed out in gutters on my way home and I definitely wouldn’t have tolerated having my clothes being ripped off me in public because of a jealous boyfriend. I probably wouldn’t have sat with a bunch of people who literally made it their thing to drink one anothers blood. I most likely would not have broken into and stolen money and things from people I know and didn’t know.
But I did – do all of those things and I paid a high price for all of it. However, having said that – I will say this – it is a price I was willing to pay! I can only say this with hindsight, because I see the world today and realise that I am just a little more than “different”. I have a level of understanding as well as compassion that so many others seem to lack. Would I change ANYTHING I did in my younger years? No, NEVER!
No, I didn’t end up “text book”, but the reality is I was never meant to. I have accepted that, but the skillset I have acquired along the way is literally priceless! I don’t need circles of support, or anyone else’s approval for my identity and I can stand just fine on my own two fncking feet. I have thrown opinion to the wind, and stepped on the arrogance of others every time I have ventured forward. I have learnt that those who resonate MOST with you, but don’t have the CAPACITY to climb out of their own BOX, will do nothing other than try to break you down to their own level. Many HERE have tried… perhaps now, they have better understanding for why it never did, and never will work.
Whilst I change and evolve every single day, fundamentally – I know who I am BECAUSE of everything I have taken myself through. I know my boundaries! What I will stand for and what I won’t. I know the things I am prepared to turn a blind eye to and the one’s which I will speak out on! I don’t need validation from anyone – I validate myself, because I have EARNED that right! And you know what – those that matter don’t mind and those that do mind – don’t matter. Call me mad and hate me if you so wish! Whatever delights you! - I will continue to do what delights me if it is all the same to you.
❤❤❤
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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Wow @jaynie a very courageous post. I would never have guessed that you had such wild teenlife. Can just make you more proud of the person you have become! Remarkable!
You go girl!
Yeah I was a wee bit of a hooligan eh lol... much more calm in my old age :P Thank you so much for the positive vibes hon, much appreciated! Hope you have a lekker weekend.
Very interesting adolescence dear friend @jaynie, I really like the piano, I would have loved to have had the opportunity to make music with it, what a very interesting age to buy your first house.
So we should live our lives, shut up when it is time to do so and speak when it is due.
I appreciate that you let us know a little more about yourself
enjoy the rest of the afternoon
Interesting... rather, haha! (Understatement of the year, lol) Aaah the piano has always been my great instrumental love!
Thank you for the lovely comment @jlufer. Hope you have a wonderful weekend!
The thing about you Jaynie is that you're you. You'd make a terrible me and I'd make the worst you ever;
This is because I've had my journey and you've had yours, like all human beings. It's the journey we take that helps to shape and define who we are now and in the future and who we were...Well, that's gone, only the lessons remain. Sometimes those lessons create immovable emotions and behaviours, sometimes they help to create fluidity and the ability to adapt, overcome and move forward. Either way they help, usually.
It seems to me that you know who you are and how to proceed which is more than most could say I think. I tend to be that way inclined too. I place very little stock on whether people choose to see me clearly or not - I don't go out of my way to make them see...I'll just be me, like you be you. It's enough.
So, I play piano too. Started at 4.5 years old and played for years. Did all my grades (they go to 7 here). Teaching level. I never went to the conservatorium of music though, my path went in different, less creative, directions.
I have a piano, not a white grand though, and I play sometimes. I tend to learn a song and play it then move on. The last was "just the way you are" - Bruno Mars. It's cool that you played, and at a high level too. Just on the reading music thing...I went to a music high school and one lesson was music history where we learned how to read medieval music and other things. You think reading normal music sucks. Lol.
I think those roses on the piano will bring you great comfort as will playing that piano and that's exactly how it should be.
You've had a colourful life, different from mine. I've never tried any drugs that weren't prescribed to me for instance, but we're all the same in that life shapes us and (hopefully) prepares us for the future. It speaks highly of you that you have the courage to speak out on this post. It hints at comfort, honesty and great character. I respect it and value it. Not that you need my validation.
yeah... for sure lol!
It is enough!!
GAWD... no!!!! lol - Admirable though!
Thank you for the thoughtful comment. I appreciate it very much!
You're welcome.
I'm just glad we agree that you'll be you and I'll be me. The alternatives are...Horrendous and unspeakable. :)
plus I would probably shoot you in the foot... literally.
Lol...I'd probably deserve it. But...Miss please.
lol would try my best, obviously :D
To hit or miss? I mean if you were me then...You'd probably not miss.
Best that you be you...The world will appreciate it much more I think. Being me is really hard.
Thank you!
Still never understand why people frown or disapprove, life is life, little secret is, we all have our skeletons hidden in the closet.
Janis Joplin and the White Rabbit many frowned upon, had she made it through along with Jimi Hendrix and who knows how many others, they too would be upstanding parents with wisdom others may not have learned at all.
When you get that grand piano, with roses to remember Mom, enjoy the singing the song it's a wild life and yours to decide, with a wine close to hand 🍷
The way we walk, the way we talk makes us comfortable in our own skin, at the end of the day that is all that matters,
Aint that the truth hey Joan! We each have our own roads to travel! It is our journey, nobody elses!
I look forward to the day.
Much love hon!
Hope you are having a grand Friday.
Almost wine time xxx
Not sure where the weeks go, but I sure do know where the !WINE goes 😄 have a good one!
Cheers @joanstewart, Thank You For Inviting @jaynie To A Glass Of WINE.
At The Moment You Don't Have Enough WINE Staked To Order A Glass Of WINE From @wine.bot.
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HAHAHAHA!!! I concur and perhaps the wine has something to do with that lol!
I really like the way you write in such a passionate way, it is an enriching read. When we take charge of ourselves with our light and our darkness the improvements in our life begin. I would love to see you play the piano and it would be lovely to read a cookbook you create, I know it would be great.
Thank you for giving so much of yourself in these lines, your courage in the face of life has been immense!
A big hug!
Thank you love. Sometimes, I just ramble... and hope for the best. I am sure I make no sense at all some times.
Lots of LOVE hon!
Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read this and for your positive reinforcement here and always!
<3
I read the post with interest and pleasure. It is understandable that each of us goes his own way. And for some, he is rebellious, and at times insane, but that's okay. Over time, we gain what is called - Life experience. But not in music. Music remains a brain explosion for us. In conclusion, I want to say that I really love Led Zeppelin's music and here we are close in understanding. And Bebe Rexha is super!
You have grown a lot Jaynie, especially after going through so many rough years. You should be proud!