One of the hardest situations in our lives is saying goodbye. Ready or not, the pain will still the same. The longing feelings that we always feel. It might be not new but still, the intimacy makes us hold one another. Although goodbye is unavoidable that we thought tears should not shred when it comes. Believe me, no one is ready for this kind of feeling because no one wants to lose their love ones. Hoping that we could be together and leave this world together. But life must end and we don't know when or how.
I experienced so much pain when my father died. I wanted to talk to him for the last time but it didn't happen. Frustration and desperation came into my mind because I knew that no matter how I forced to happen, it will not. He left me, he closed his eyes and his mouth will never talk anymore. Mixing emotions that I didn't know how to handle it. I isolated myself because I wanted to feel the pain. It felt like I was wanting to have that kind of pain. I wanted to hurt my body if which will be painful compared to my heart. But I didn't do it because I still love my life and I wanted to continue in living.
I never accepted it that time but there was no choice to make. Father left without saying goodbye to me. Even so, I said "thank you" with him even though I was just hoping a smile from him because it will never happen. Then after the burial and I thought I would be fine because I mourned it already. But I was wrong because sometimes I called him without the intention of doing so. That's why remembering him came in my mind and kept on remembering other memories with him that I hurt myself more. I didn't want to hurt myself but a stupid of me inside wanted to feel it. "I don't want to forget him. I don't want him to go. Why not just stay and let's leave this world together." A child inside started dreaming fantasy again.
Although in this world there is no eternity. Our life and of course our feelings as well. As time passed by without thinking for the people we love. The hopeless feeling inside starting to recover. It's not that we forgot them. They still live in our heart and mind but the feeling is different compared when they just left. The crying baby when someone left us so sudden fades. We started to accept that this is our new life now, without them. We want them to get back if it will be fine but knowing that they suffered too much in this world. We will consider letting go of their own good. It's normal to be like that because we become to be used to of our new lifestyle.
Just like when my girlfriend broke up with me. My world destroyed because I didn't know how to revolve it without her. I became dependant to her that in every action I made before was because of her. I did my best because of her, happiness, sadness, etc. Everything I did always depends on her that it's hard for me to move on. That's why when we broke up my world never stopped on raining. I couldn't find a reason to go outside to enjoy the world's beauty. That time the world for me was black and white. I couldn't find colours to make me happy.
That's why if possible I don't want to experience goodbyes. I don't want something to end because it hurts me like it's going to kill me. For me, the last part of the last actions we made before saying goodbyes is unforgettable even though many years passed already. Why there should goodbye if we decided to connect. We shouldn't let this happen if we will just say separate ways. If I just knew that this will happen I should just ignore you. What can I do, farewell always come for those who truly love. Pain occurs for those who just wanted love. Why are serious people being played instead?
I have nothing to do about it so FAREWELL my love.
d' dreamboy,
@mrnightmare