Yesterday consisted of me laying face down on my bed under a weighted blanket while crying into a hand towel. I got up this morning with puffy, red eyes and a sickly look, but it was better than my look from last night. My partner told me I'd lost all my color and asked me to please not spin out.
Photo by Fernando @cferdo on Unsplash
I found a mirror. She was right. I was spinning out, but what could I do? I had spent the day tucked in my room trying not to share my morbid thoughts and feelings. I knew what I needed was lots of hugs and cuddling. Touch is what most frequently brings me out of the sadness. But my partner does not welcome touch as much as I do. And while we make frequent contact, being quarantined from other humans (including my children) means that I am still only receiving a fraction of the touch I am used to.
This is a new roadblock for me. I'm curious who else out there is dealing with advancing depression or stronger depressive episodes while acclimating to this new "normal."
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I'd love to tell you I didn't spiral last night, but the truth is I had crossed that line early in the morning when intrusive thoughts told me I am ugly. I am a burden. I am a problem. My partner can't be happy with me. My moods are too much. I'm fat.
It went on and on. And it hurt.
So I cried.
Crying was the right thing to do. Even as I was spinning out, I was still taking stock of what I needed in that moment. I recognized that I was at risk of placing the onus of my depression on my partner, so I took space from her. I reached out via text to a close friend to tell her I wasn't doing well and my plan was to cry under blankets. I recognized that I needed hugs but it would be damaging to pressure my partner for touch. She isn't going to be able to give me as much touch as I need, and she shouldn't have to even if it is only the two of us in this house. She has work to do and her own needs, a big one of which is space. So I pulled out my weighted blanket and wrapped up in it, trying to feel hugged another way.
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Depression makes it nearly impossible to remember what to do when you are in the depths of it. There have been many times I was not able to think clearly enough to come up with a plan, let alone take action.
If you are living alone or with someone else, here are some steps you can take to support your mental wellness:
- Make a list of what you most need when you are down.
- Make a realistic list of what can be done to meet those needs. If you are counting on another person to help fulfill these needs, make note of their needs so you can remember that there are boundaries to observe and they exist beyond your depression.
- Create a list of trusted individuals to reach out to and how to reach them.
- Write yourself a note saying, "Hey, it's a hard time right now. It isn't always like this."
I hope this helps you. Please comment with more tips and tricks.
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I teach blogging, expressive writing for traumatic release and recovery and host generative writing sessions at the Center for Creative Writing. Write with me!
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Sorry for your difficult time, @shawnamawna. I do have a few tips. I truly hope they might help you or another person reading your blog.
And if you're really cooped up, go walking. Get out in nature if you can. The risks are being with people, not being outdoors where you can breathe fresh air and enjoy daylight, which can be very uplifting.
These are excellent and very welcome tips! Thank you @jayna. I can put meditation into practice today.
I hope you feel better each day!
That's a good list, and I hope the weighted blanket helps. I have one too! I love it.
Unfortunately, my own list includes a lot of sunshine and exercise, enough of it until I drop from exhaustion. And no alcohol; that just makes it worse.
You'll pull through this. Have you been able to explain this to your partner in a way that doesn't make her feel guilty?
Yes, we had a great talk last night. I also am back into my exercise schedule. I just need the sun to cooperate.
Awesome! I'm glad to hear it. And the sun can't hide forever; it needs to come out sometime!
These days we all have our moments of weakness. Never lose hope that the sun will shine again. This situation will pass. Stay positive. Write your thoughts down and keep writting until you feel like you have nothing to say. You will unburden yourself and gain some perspective. I am glad to have re-connected with you.
I am also very glad to be reconnected. It's wonderful to have a community to write with and witness one another.