These days I'm thinking a lot about growing up.
Maybe it's because I turn 30 in a few days, maybe because I experienced loss for the first time consciously, maybe because I have the feeling that I still don't express myself fully and still wonder how to present myself to the world.
Probably it's all connected, like everything.
The other day I tried to take a photo of myself, because I want to have a new profile picture for a while now and I'm finally reunited with my good old Canon camera again (my parents brought it from Germany when they came visiting).
I'm not that comfortable in front of a camera in general, but I took self-portraits before and I thought I was able to take at least some decent photos.
But when I reviewed them on my laptop I somehow didn't like them. Something was missing. There was not one photo I could resonate with.
It's not that I don't find myself pretty enough or anything.
It's more the look in my eyes.
Maybe it's just me and you wouldn't think that at all, but it's still the look of a girl, not a woman.
Still a girl that doesn't know how big she is, how strong, and what she has to give to the world.
But I want to be a woman! (says the girl, lol)
I still can't really access that part of me. I feel that in a lot of situations actually, but seeing it on pictures really reminded me of what I'm still missing and what I want to learn and become.
I know I'm probably just impatient.
Growing up is something we can't make, it happens while we live and go forward every day, make experiences and learn.
Also, isn't life more about growing? Not growing up and then stop? ^^
Maybe the fact that I'm thinking so much about it and feel so melancholic lately is a sign that I'm already about to level up (fingers crossed ^^).
It would fit the overall situation actually!
A new chapter, a new stretch of this Magical Mystery Tour is around the corner.
We're soon gonna leave this cosy valley where we've been house-sitting an off-grid homestead for the last 10 months. The owner is about to come back from working abroad and we got an invitation to Montenegro (yes, Montenegro again ^^), where we're gonna stay with my man's brother during September <3
I'm looking forward to the change, to see some family again and the ocean. It feels quite right to move on.
So by the end of the month we're in travel-mode again. Beyond September we have no clue where Universe is gonna take us, but as always we're gonna know which door to take when it opens up :-)
Now that I'm writing all this down I feel much better and more optimistic already. Writing always helps and I thank you a lot for reading <3
I think I just want to feel secure, like we all do. Secure in myself, strong, confident, and all that stuff that I was told I would feel when I'm an adult ^^
It just takes a little longer than I expected, I guess.
But who knows, maybe I'll get wiser over night on my 30th birthday. I'm actually looking forward to it. The 20s were a long and hard decade of apprenticeship and I'm not at all sad that it's over ^^
So, after thinking about it a lot I decided to post some of the mentioned photos here, for archival reasons and for my future self to reflect on.
This is me being almost 30 years old <3
all images (and animations) by me
Thirty is a good milestone. Some say its the start of true adulthood
Yes, I've heard from many that it's somehow an important milestone, some had a very hard time around their 30th birthday and went through a transition.
I was always wondering how that would effect me. I feel it's gonna be the beginning of a new chapter somehow.
<3
I love all these pictures of you ( whether you look young or not ).
Big hug from an almost 40 year old ( 80 if I count my twin sister ), whose birthday will be on the 10th of October.
I was struggling loads 10 years ago.
It took me till the age of 34/ 35 to break free and change my life around.
I am getting more and more grey hairs and some wrinkles around my eyes but aside from that I still look a lot younger than my age.
I really don't mind and I also don't mind keeping the kid inside of me alive ;<)
We always want to be what we aren't and have what we haven't but I guess what it's all about is accepting the way we are and loving ourselves just the way we are.
I am getting better and better at that myself.
You are awesome and so am I! ;<)
P.S. There's also nothing wrong in trying to improve yourself and being the best version of you that you can be.
Ah, so you're a Libran! <3
It's not that I don't like myself, really. I actually find this Ana quite fascinating and I love to watch her grow :)
I don't see growing up or being an adult as not being child anymore. I think that would be the worst one could do really. I just want to add something to it, to develop another "mode" so that I can be even more me, express myself in a better way that feels more whole, and care for myself better so I'm even happier.
I'm born in Leo, but I lost a good part of that strong and confident Leo energy during the last 10, actually more like 20 years. But I feel it coming back, it wants to be recognized again, I just need time to explore and embrace it still.
But I'm on the right path and I'll just go on :)
Isn't life the most exciting thing?
We both chose to pursue the path to more freedom and happiness, the path of self-discovery and development, of growing and becoming even more awesome with every step we take.
I think that's really the best way to make the most of this human experience :)
Big Hug from today 30 year old Ana <3
Wise words and...
Happy birthday, my friend
🤗
🍰
I have no doubt that your/ the next decade is gonna be fascinating!
I like to stay as kid who just keep growing up forever :3
hehe, sounds good too!
I probably was more confident as a kid actually ^^
Self-discovery and growth can be a very difficult, and even painful, process. Everyone lives this process personally. Beautiful and brave post. A hug.
Thank you a lot <3
Yes, we all go through a lot of pain while growing. But it comes in waves usually, so I know it's gonna get better in a while and I'll be a little bit wiser and stronger. It's always worth the pain.
A big hug back <3
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