Being mindful is really something that adds a lot of quality to my life but let's be honest, sometimes it's just not so easy. It can easily become a vicious cycle, when you're unable to be centered in the here and now you are not mindful anymore and instead you get more and more caught up in destructive thought patterns. You no longer see what life has to offer you in this very moment and you lose your ability to feel grateful for all the things you have in your life.
At least this is something I still struggle with sometimes. In fact, the last month or so has been challenging. As I have shared in earlier posts, my body apparently wants to rest. I was happy I could go for a run again but about a week ago I tore my calf muscle while running and of course, running is not on the table for at least some weeks. (Luckily, it's not a severe strain, I can walk, even though it hurts a bit). And of course I'm grateful for that 🙏 I'll survive without my runs, but they sure help me to clear my mind. It kind of moves the energy and shifts it. But I needed to listen to my body and it was time to rest even more.
A breathwork session that cracked my heart open
Still present were a lot of sadness, sorrow, and longing. I decided to open up to these feelings completely and joined a guided breathwork session focused on the heart and breasts. And I let it all out. I cried from the depths of my heart. So much heartache from so many years stored there. But it was beautiful, I saw my heart crack open with this image of a tiny flower breaking through asphalt. Something like the picture below, even though I can't find an image to represent my inner vision (I guess I'll have to draw it, more on that below).
I felt grateful for my ability to stay present and to face all this pain. My heart also had a message for me: "Don't hide from me". It was a very emotional practice and I was flooded with gratitude. For being me, for my heart and for my ability to really feel deep. And even though I sometimes struggle with all these strong emotions I sure don't want to hide from them. I'm here to experience it all. No more numbing.
Being creative and being mindful
Something else also arose inside of me. I desire to draw. I have had this idea for some time actually and I have started to express myself more in creative ways, something I did when I was younger but my adult self has been very serious in many ways, I have lost the feeling of joy in creating.
I recently did an exercise to help me identify my core values and creativity is actually my number one. I was a bit surprised in a way but it felt so true, it really just came to me. After all, creation is the source of our being.
I wanted to find that joy again, to create without any pressure. God knows I put a lot of pressure on myself. I guess I have from a very young age. As a child I sure was playful but I early on became very serious and had a big thirst for knowledge. I spent so many years studying, I had the feeling I was learning so much. And I wanted to learn more and more, there was no limit. But back then I wasn't very mindful. I used alcohol to loosen up and to let go of control. I didn't know any other way. And sure, I had a lot of fun. But once I left Uni and started to work, I felt so lost and so uninspired. It felt like a prison, my life. And I became depressed. It was around this time that I discovered yoga and meditation and that was a big turning point in my life. I discovered a new way of relating to myself and to life. I opened up to something bigger and I felt a lot of trust in this. It calmed my mind and from that point I wanted to take care of my body. What had I been doing to myself? I wanted to apologize to myself for not having treated myself with love and kindness. Since then I'm sure better at being mindful but I still slip sometimes. I'm just human after all and it doesn't help to put pressure on yourself in any way. This is still something I'm working on for sure.
Anyway, I pulled myself together and went out and bought some pencils. And I drew my first drawing in over 20 years! Of course, it's not great but that's not the point. I felt a lot of joy growing inside of me and now I just want to draw all the time. I was so present, so focused and I was in a flow. There was nothing else I would rather do than to draw. And it actually only took this one drawing experience for me to look at objects in a new way. I looked at my flower on the table, all the details, the shadows, how fun it would be to draw this. I went over to a friend's place and saw a painting she had. I hadn't noticed it before, and I studied the technique, I was amazed. How had I not been seeing all of these details before! Drawing sure is a great way to be in the present moment and to practice mindfulness. You are also connected to your innate nature. I now understand why my father painted so much. I feel very inspired knowing this and I'm looking forward to resuming my drawing and painting journey 🙂I now realize it's a part of my lost self.
Thanks for reading 🙏
Love and blessings to you all 💚
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This is a beautiful read and it's amazing how this seems to merge with the story that I just shared on my blog about the inability to cry.
I love how you always seem to make your posts into stories of growth - this is a great example of that - and I'm already looking forward to hearing and seeing more of your creative journey.
Big hug,
Vincent
P.S. It amazes me how many parallels there seem to be between your and my life :<) just another sign that we were meant to meet up, that coincidence doesn't really exist ( in fact, I learnt yesterday - and I'm going to quote Deepak Chopra here - to see "coincidence as a result of deep underlying singularity that is manifesting itself as the physical world through simultaneous interdependent co-arising" ). A lot of difficult worlds but worth pondering.
Thank you Vincent 🙏 I really appreciate how encouraging you are 🙂
I'm sorry to hear you had to suppress your feelings as a child. I can't really remember if I cried much as a child. I might ask my mom about that, I'm a bit curious. But as an adult I sure cry a lot.
Not sure how much I cried as a kid ( probably average ) but I hardly remember having cried since my early teens. Pretty crazy, right?
Also the truth is always somewhere in the middle between what we say / write and what we experienced and I don't want to blame my dad for this. I might have learnt to not cry from machos on TV, who knows? :<)
What an absolutely beautiful post. The lotus flower is all the more beautiful for reading something of your story.
I am profoundly envious of people who are able to cry.
Thank you @artemislives 🙏 It felt a bit vulnerable sharing this but I really like to write about my experiences and what I'm going through.
I understand that, that you are envious of people who are able to cry. I usually cry easily, it sure helps. I hope you have found other ways to release 💚
LOVE to see you write and share in our TOBACCO challenge - some seriously good Hive prizes! The How-To is here: https://peakd.com/hive-120078/@naturalmedicine/tobacco-poison-or-medicine-challenge
Beautiful. Drawing and art are so healing.
Have you ever worked with the hanuman mantra? That cracks my heart open wide every single time. Particularly thsi version. I turn it up, sing loud, and lose my shit every single time. Heart wide open. It's beautiful.
Thank you 🙏 No I haven't worked with the hanuman mantra, I'm not familiar with it. I'll sure check it out, thanks for the tip ❤️
Oh gosh, you are in for a treat!!!!
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I'm so happy for you that you found that release and regained that love for drawing! It sure is a great way to keep in the moment!
Here's to feeling all those feeling and letting the creativity flow!
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