First: I am amazed how well you know yourself. I often pad into the same trap(read: me reacting badly to something) and only afterwards I recognise a pattern, only to react badly the next time again. Ahhhhhhh
Second: I am so sorry for your miscarriage. I cannot imagine how gruesome and horrible this must be. I can relate a tiny bit as I have no children and often get very sad (right now for example) when I think about this and cannot change it. I instinctively try to avoid thinking too much about this, as there is nothing to be done.
Wait... I will give up the numbers know :-D
I find it fascinating to read about language and how words can affect us. I am not sensitive to your trigger “you need/you must etc” but I completely understand why this is triggering. In my opinion the advice given in in this manner seems thoughtless. As if the person does not take into consideration that the other one also had thought about the problem and has good reasons to act like she did.
I often have problems with very short and in my eyes impolite language. I will try to give an example (not easy as I have to translate). You know I volunteer in this charity board and the board leader is in my eyes a -ahem- social/emotional limited man, which leads to very frustrated volunteers who frequently quit, which he is frustrate over. And he can trigger me profoundly... THis is a recent what’s app conversation
Me: Hey all, do we have a zoom meeting today? (Read: I know we have this meeting, but I want to politely remind everyone to participate without telling anybody he forgot)
Chairman: no
Director: yes, we agreed on the meeting today, but ok we will meet another time
Everybody else quits and the meeting did not take place.
Not sure if I could describe my trigger. It is the “no” instead of “I am unsure, I do not think we agreed on a meeting” or something like this. The “no” kills all enthusiasm to participate or talk, and I always want to give everyone (or most) the possibility to engage. So, we too ( the chairman and I) regularly clash, as I find his answers authoritative, impolite and excluding and he I guess thinks me insecure because I often formulate things I know into questions.
whewwww not sure I could make myself understandable.
But thank you for bringing this important topic on the table <3 <3
(By the way I am always a bit frightened I am impolite while writing English, as it is very different in some places from German 😱)
Thank you Simone I really appreciate that. It is something I will probably never fully recover from...I’m getting by but will never be over the loss.
I’ve wondered if you ever wanted children but never asked just in case it was a sensitive subject for you. You just never know what people are going through. I’m sorry it makes you sad thinking about it. 😟
Yes when I hear those words: you need or you should, it does sound thoughtless and controlling.
I understood you just fine. I would definitely feel the same way as you if I were in your position. I would want people to be motivated and encouraged and to have a leader that’s not sensitive to how others may feel would be very frustrating. I can see how the word “no” is your trigger. Is there anyone else in the charity group that you could talk to about it? That stinks that things are pushed back because he forgets.
I appreciate you reading and responding. I wasn’t expecting such a response as I received but I’m really enjoying the interaction with everyone. Health topics can really be though provoking and engaging. I love writing about them :)