“How are you?”
Now do I answer honestly or not? To be honest, things are kind of rough right now. I would love to be honest and tell you that.
But then I have to deal with your reaction. Now maybe you can take a hint and realize that I am just being honest with you、that I’m doing my best and that I don’t want to dwell on the problem.
Many people don’t seem to realize this!
Twice this weeks friends asked me what I’m busy with and when I told them I’m trying to figure out my visa, they went into ultra-concerned-want-to-help mode. This required me to share a ton of details and background information that I don’t really want to waste my energy on. These people who want to help actually ended up draining my energy through their worry.
I know I can figure it out. But they were so worried that I won’t be able to fix my visa that they tired me out and got me doubting my own ability to fix the situation. Other peoples perception of you is powerful if you don’t set boundaries.
Sadly, some people take an honest answer to “How are you?” As an invitation to cross all kinds of subconscious boundaries.
The same goes for my health. It’s really hard for me to talk about my health issues without people giving me some random advice or recommendation based on nothing other than their desire to be helpful, not based on any real knowledge or experience. “I know a chiropractor, he’s great, he helped me with my stiff neck”. Lol did your stiff neck last 6 years? “I think you trust too much in chinese medicine, you should go to a hospital”, well out of 15 doctors and 15 massage therapists, there were 2 people who really really helped me get better and both were Chinese masseuses,sooo....
I understand how you want to help. I’ve been there too. But sometimes I’m ok, sometimes I’m not in a great place but I’m getting there. Sometimes I don’t need your advice. If I do, I’ll ask, or hint. Me telling you honestly how I’ve been is not a cry for help though.
I just spent an hour trying to calm down my company’s secretary about my visa situation because she thinks that there must be something I can do to convince my boss to help me. She doesn’t really understand the situation at all and is basing all her judgment off hearsay and her own opinions of my boss. She thinks he’s just holding a grudge against me, but I think the reality is, he doesn’t like dealing with extra work and he sees visa sponsorship of freelance workers as extra work for him, and I kind of get it. So really all I need to do is convince him that his decision will hurt him in the end, and not make it sound like I am threatening him cause I’m not.
Two days ago, I met a friend on the street walking home and he asked what I was doing, I said I’m going to eat and he asked if he could tag along. I like this guy but he’s always thinking too much. So the same thing happened. As soon as o mentioned the visa situation, he had a thousand questions to ask, none of which I felt like answering, but whenever I tried to change the topic he brought up another reason why he was “concerned about me”.
“Your girlfriend is coming, it must be rough since you have to support her at first”. It’s alright man, she’ll get a job quickly. “It must be hard as a foreigner...can she speak Japanese?” A little, she’ll figure it out, I’ll help her. “How do her parents feel?” Can we not talk about her parents? “Ah I see...difficult eh?” Nah, I mean, whatever. “You’ve been apart for two years now, it must have been hard.” Well, you just do what you gotta do man, it’s been alright.
And so I’ve avoided a lot of social situations these days because I have to choose between pretending I don’t have any problems when my problems are kind of weighing on me, or engaging in conversation which gives energy to the problems.
So in the end, I’d rather lie. I don’t want to lie, but I want to make sure I don’t invite anyone to project their worries onto me. I’m fine. I’ll figure it out. I need love and support and I do not need to talk about it because once is enough. I told my mom or a friend who asked earlier so STFU and stop asking me 😀
On the other hand, that friend said he’s been really upset because his friend had fallen the night before and seemed to be in a coma from some head trauma. “Wow, that’s pretty sad...” yeah....
“do you want to talk about it?” Funny enough, he said no, and I think he was being honest and so I just let him change the topic to his future plans, and finally I could enjoy the last 5 minutes of my meal.
I don’t think I was being insensitive or disinterested. I think he had already spent a day and a half stressing over his friend and he needed to forget it, but he still wanted to let me know. So I gave that to him.
If I’m going to project my thoughts and beliefs onto others, which we all do in some way or another, I want to make sure I project happiness and strength onto them because it will influence them and help them move in that direction. You may sound weak, but I will see your potential strength. You may sound sick but I see your potential health.
When my student had cancer, she told me how annoyed she was with everyone worrying about her. “I’ll be ok!” Yeah! You will. I know you will. She got surgery within an month and now she seems to be recovering just fine. We can talk about it but I don’t have to. I don’t need to convince her that I’m concerned. I’m concerned as much as she needs me to be. I don’t need to stress her out with my worries. If I’m worried, I can do so silently if she wants someone to worry with I can comfort her. If she doesn’t, why not just give her things to feel good about?
This is a new challenge for me because I used to be someone who fed off negativity. I wanted pity and someone to feel my pain. Now I just want to overcome it as quickly and easily as possible. I appreciate my student for being that way too.
Sometimes people need to overcome their own inner demons, and someone can definitely help with that through guiding you to more positive thoughts. But if you already capable of finding those better thoughts by yourself, their presence is more than enough
It all reminds me of a friend in HK. I had just broken up with my ex girlfriend and was sooo sad and sitting in the upstairs of my friends restaurant. I didn’t want to talk about it but kind of wanted to talk about. I knew talking about it for the 30th time wouldn’t do anything though. Nobody really indulged me, thankfully.
After an hour of moping, my friend came upstairs and surprised me with a an avocado smoothie (I love avocado) and just said “yo, cheer up man, you’ll figure it out”. He put his arm on my shoulder for a second and awkwardly walked out of the room. He’s never been the affectionate type.
That was perfect though.
The words by themselves might feel empty, but that smoothie tasted like love and support!!
🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎
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Friends handing over avocado smoothies and awkwardly patting you on the back to comfort you are the freaking cutest.
For me it's learning to respect boundaries and just engage up to where the other party is willing to share, not poking too much and hitting the wrong sides.
Avocado smoothie is ♥️. I'm now trying to influence my kids to eat avo. So far only successful with the girl.
BTW, what filter did you use on your photo? 😁
I think it's cause I'm so transparent. I don't mind sharing anything...but I don't want to reinforce ideas like "I'm unhealthy" or "I am poor" or "I have some kind of trouble". Usually I'm really ok and just telling someone "That's why I haven't called you". I wish I could do that without inviting people to focus on those things.
I just use instagram to edit photos. It's the most intuitive I've found that I don't have to pay for.
Hi from one more avocado fan;)
Great topic is touched!
How are you - can be both a question about nothing, just like boring and emothionless "hi" and a question that can lead to a psychologist lecture;)
Btw, I am surprised YOU (a foreigner) has touched this theme, because as a rule here in Russia we think that it's an absolutely Russian (and all soviet countries) feauture to tell all your life story after a simple "how are you". Our people like to complaint and tell about all their problems and diseases. It's sh"t! That's why I don't like to ask this question;)
Maybe it's my eastern European roots that make me want to tell my life story ;-) The difference is I don't want to make it a long one, I want to artistically pick little details just so people know where I'm at and actually know who they are talking to. What I DO NOT want, is intensive questioning and recommendations once I'm ready to change the topic! :-)
the same with me - no details, maximum - general words or, as a rule, 'I'm Ok' can hide many secrets;)
eastern European roots? which one?
The one with a big bully who looks like super Mario ....hmmm. I have no really connection other than blood now though
The ability to simply hold space for someone is so valuable and so hard to come by...the people jumping in with solutions likely also think they are good listeners. Small talk and platitudes, how tiresome.
I am leaning further into authenticity and enjoying just being the passenger awareness of how I am showing up in that moment and the others' response...keep seeing confirmation that it isn't personal. We're bound to do it the way we do it, and to learn from each new way we encounter. Your desire to relate authentically sounds like a safeguard from sacrificing to the others' "shoulds"...
Resist dissolving into the homogenized mush!
Also, I'd love to hear how to make avocado yummy, but so far the only way I've succeeded is burying it's flavor ha