Back on the merry-go-round. Awesome! Yet all too familiar...
So I have proven to myself that no matter how pathetic, lily livered and socially impotent I feel I have become, I am capable of writing for uhm 1 week in a row... Hmm I sound snarky and ungrateful, don't I?
I am grateful, very much so. I can't handle a great deal in life recently... I am going to sound like an utter scumbag when I say this next bit, I feel like I can barely manage my own feelings and 'stuff' at the minute and I cannot take on even one iota for those around me.
That is not like me at all.
I feel a little shame saying it out loud but I definitely feel like that was a level of honesty that keeps my integrity intact if nothing else.
A tentative finger hovers over the delete button...
Hmm, the Hivers all expect Ste to be friendly, easy-going, funny and thoughtful though...
But if I delete the truth, who am I some fake-ass Instagram peachy keen, buff, ever-happy, dumbass grin type???
Erm, I can't do it, I can be selfish, that's me. I don't mean to, I feel mega-shame after but I am flawed, sometimes harsh, cutting and abrasive... Dammit... I really don't mean to be like this but whatamigonnado???
I'm not even going to work at the moment. I've been off for well over a month now and about to run out of company sick pay. I feel like I am under an avalanche of stuff and doing very little to get out. It's like I want to move but feel frozen in the headlights about to be knocked unconscious by the juggling balls about to fall as one.
OH! OK! I see!
That's not what I sat down to write. It was supposed to be a post about the number of tabs I have open on my PC, the number of comments I keep meaning to catch up with the fact that since the price slid, I don't feel I have enough vote to go round all the amazing posts I read I read a LOT!!! all the fabulous comments beneath my posts and what about those people I haven't caught up with for ages...
Breathes in to a brown paper bag - Not actually but near enough!!!
It may not be what I had in mind to write BUT I don't want to back up, make it sound rosy, pretend it ain't happening, that it didn't just flood out of me...
What if it is you feeling this way, would I want you to believe it is just you, that the rest of us are fine?
F#@* that!!!
These currently open tabs are a visual representation of my head!
Some of us even lie to ourselves, pretend the recurring thoughts ain't there, move faster, never let the doubt catch up... Get busy, don't look at it.In my past, I did that for many years, never let the valve open, pretend it ain't there, look in the mirror shouting...
Pull yourself together! You're a bloody man, get over yourself...
Long story short, I ended up ill, really ill, really, really ill! For quite a period of time.
I guess the valve just opened, I have learned to let it open and when pressure lowers again, when it's safe again, it will close again, I move on again.
You may think this just turned in to a post talking about how I am a modern man, in touch with my feelings, happy to express them, pfft! Hardly!
I still find such outbursts incredibly raw and uncomfortable. You may think that contradicts what I have said in the past, it doesn't.
Yes I am intuitive enough, experienced enough to know the valve cannot stay closed forever. There is an almost literal explosion of up ahead when following that strategy. That doesn't make it an easy experience, maybe it should be fine but as a 50 year old English fella, from the manlyman North, there's still a certain amount of discomfort in just letting it all flood out.
So, even though this what not in the plan, ah, to hell with it. The words stay here, bare, on the page. Honestly, I feel a little bit daft but I know it's pretty normal. It's not like it's a surprise that I am not in the best frame of mind. spoiler I was aware, I hear my thoughts and feel my feelings on a pretty permanent 24 hour basis...
This is all part of the process of getting back to [don't you dare say bloody normal Steven!!!], my default position. I know some people with read my words with a slight snigger, saying that all too familiar:
"You're a man, pull your bloody self together and get on with it"
I will do that, soon, just not today.
There's a part of me still thinking, this post is gonna be a little awkward, uncomfortable of a read, maybe I should keep it in my head and keep the stevenwood roadshow rolling, with an easy smile, a wink, a quick witted comeback and a warm greeting...
I ain't a liar, a fake, a sham though... I am me, for better or bloody worse!
I'm not going to go back through and overedit this post, although I know I may have portrayed myself an unstable oddball, somebody may read it and think...
"Oh it's not just me!"
No it bloody isn't, trust me friend, most people have highs, lows and apathetic spells in life and often have less control over which is next than we would hope.
If you find yourself there, find me on Discord, same name and talk I guarantee we will finish up laughing, it almost always happens when 2 people talk about those dark times and places.
This is kinda my talking, I say all the time, how cathartic writing is for me. It is probably no coincidence that I find myself here after a spell of NOT writing on Hive. I will walk away from the keyboard invigorated 'probably'
I apologise for the unbalanced stream of consciousness, unless it caught you at a time when it was necessary in which case I am happy you are here, I send you love and the reminder that some days the sun feels like an enormous beacon and it shines inside and out, even though sometimes winter feels like state of mind.
The invitation I extended was genuine, if you need to talk to someone, no judgement, no hyped up pep talks, reach out, I will answer. (even if it seems like I8 am not current on Hive, I always read about what my friends are up to
This may seem out of place at the end of such a post, although it IS in keeping with the chaotic nature of my mind. It is light, fun, charming and something to raise a wry smile.
In fact, it will be the basis of a fun contest idea that I will be running soon.
We ARE gonna raise a collective smile!
Again, sorry for the weirdness, let me assure you I am fine [in the big scheme of things] just feeling a little, ugh, fill in the word yourself, you are probably right lol.
Thank YOU for taking the time to read my post and if you're one of those amazing people who like to hit the comments section... Then I doubly thank YOU!
Either way I want you to know that you are appreciated!
Keep taking the time to connect with each-other both here and in the 'so-called' real world and try and look after each-other, because as you already know...
I am an incredibly proud member of #TeamUK I love the global community immensely, but it is nice to have a home-team banner to add to my posts. The banner was made by the inimitable RoastMaster General himself @c0ff33a If you are an active UK member and would like to be added to the teamUK community on Discord, just let me know 😎
any images in my posts are either taken by me or created in Canva by me.
Great read Steven (and much easier with the normal font :-). It's good that you write in this way, being real, not "manning up" and being fake.
Let me assure you, by far the majority of the population has similar thoughts and feelings, me included. Most do "man up" though, stiff upper lip crap, putting on a pretence to both themselves and the so called outside world. They (me included) stuff down the feelings by over-eating, smoking, over "social media-ing", TVing, medicating, etc. yet all this leads to is increased dis-ease which eventually leads to death.
i'm now on the last week (week 10) of The Presence Process procedure (now for the tenth time), which continues to help me integrate the kinks of consciousness and become more relaxed and content with all that is.
Did you take a look at it yet i wonder?
Link here (item 3) in case you didn't & to save you searching:
https://peakd.com/hive-174578/@atma.love/a-recipe-for-health-and
Just do it, you'll thank me :-)
Peace and love brother.