I do not wish to die just yet. I do not long to say goodbye because deep down I know I have not lived enough. I am not proud of myself yet. I love myself, but I am unhappy with where I currently stand--- confused, broke, and lost. I have not achieved anything. This makes death an uncomfortable topic for me.
It leads me to question what I want to achieve to feel that I am ready to go. Will my soul be satisfied when I build my dream house? Will I truly be prepared to bid farewell when I reach my first million? Will I find myself when I could buy anything I want? I think I will be ecstatic, but not for long. Eventually, I will again find myself waking up to the idea that I may have wasted my time on the mundane things in life.
Then a memory flashes in my mind. It was a bright sunny day. My cousins, siblings, and I are holding hands to support one another as we crossed the river. Our laughter was as loud as the gush of water. Some of the adults were watching us from the banks. The others were grilling fish for lunch. The smell of the food moved along with the river's current. It was my childhood's greatest adventure. What I felt that day is what I want to feel when my last birthday comes.
That memory sealed my decision on how I would celebrate the last birthday that will be granted to me. I want to be in nature with my family and friends. They are the ones that truly matter. They are the ones that make me feel alive and warm. I would sit against the most beautiful tree I could find and write my last poem. While I am writing, my dog, Ash, would be free to sniff and explore the grass and dirt. Once in a while, I would look up, close my eyes, feel the trunk against my back, touch the ground where I sit, and let the sunlight touch my face. My oneness with nature would fill me with joy, contentment, and hope that after the physical death of my body, I would still be somewhere. My essence could not be destroyed. I would still be one with nature in whatever form.
When food is ready, we would eat happily and crack some jokes, then be serious. I would tell my family how grateful I am for their lives and love despite how shitty I feel about myself. Then we would enjoy the water as we soak in it, giggles everywhere just like the sound of birds. Finally, when the sunset comes, I would sit beside my man, my head on his shoulders (somewhere between the mentioned events we would have sex). I would hold his hand, stare at his eyes for the last time, and I would be gone as the night sky falls.
In reality, I might never know when I will be passing. I cannot trust that I could prepare for that final day. That is why I am truly grateful for the question I just answered. This made it clear to me the things I would love to experience before I die. The dream house may still be there, but what comes first will be my relationship with myself, friends, family, and nature. Perhaps that is also the reason I participated in this event--- because I feel alive when I write, and I want to write as much as I could when I am still here.
And this post will still be here when we're long gone, readers will stumble upon it what you write, bringing your thoughts back to life.
Thanks for sharing @cloflo
Reading your comment is the best that happened to me today. I am literally in tears. You made a very special and memorable moment for me. Thank you!
Your blog made me smile. So deep and full of realizations because I resonate with every word you wrote here. Yes, we will never know when death comes knocking at our door but are we ready to go? Will I have no regrets? Have I truly lived this life beautifully of which I knew I'm capable of or just caught on the mundane, unnecessary worries in life.
You are not alone and makes my heart warm that writing this in Hive gave you some clarity. Perhaps I would probably do the same but most of the time, I keep my innermost musings to myself... for now.
How comforting it is to feel that I am not alone. It gives me hope that there are more people like me who are unsure yet continuing to make sense of everything and doing what we could to experience life. May we find what we are looking for whatever it may be.
Thank you for your thoughts. I look forward to reading more of what's in your mind when you want to share them.
Sometimes we feel like we are lost, but remembering the good times even if they happened a long time ago makes us feel like we can relive that excitement for life. Thank you for participating in the Contest
!LADY
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LOHtokens.@irenenavarroart, you successfully shared 0.1000 LOH with @cloflo and you earned 0.1000 LOH as tips. (3/11 calls)
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It is my pleasure to participate. I did not know it would bring me clarity. Cheers to our precious memories! May we have more.
Very heartfelt! We will never know when our time would be up but we're still alive so we can make the most out of today and each day that passes.
Thank you very much! Yes! Makes us look at the present as an opportunity to live more!
Hello sis.. just take it easy, God's time is the best. Just do your best at all times. Remember, regrets will always happen at the end. Stay safe and God bless.
Thank you so much for the kind words. Indeed, God is to be trusted. God bless you too.
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LOHtokens.@cloflo, You have received 1.0000 LOH for posting in Ladies of Hive. We believe that you should be rewarded for the time and effort spent in creating articles. The goal is to encourage token holders to accumulate and hodl LOH tokens over a long period of time.
Thank you very much!