ENGLISH
I have never felt I fit in anywhere, not with family, not with a friend group. I always felt that sensation of being expendable, of being unnecessary. Maybe that is why I cling so much when I care for someone, maybe that's why I search desperately for what I should have within, but nothing works. Nothing seems to work.
Once again I'm picking up the pieces after the wreckage, once again I'm trying to patch things up and keep going as if nothing has happened... Pretending to be strong. I am tired, I feel clumsy, dumb, specially the latter. I don't know why at my age I keep hoping things will be different one day, when I just should accept there are things that aren't meant for me.
It's funny because on the outside I keep saying I don't expect nothing, that I am okay. That I'm "happy". But it's not the truth, that's why I feel like such a fraud whenever a friend tells me about their life, asking for advice... Because I'm lost inside of myself, it's just I don't want them to be like me. I want them to be okay, that at least they can find what they're looking for, because the truth is I no longer know what I want.
It's like when I was told I may not be able to have kids and I tried to convince myself that I didn't want to have them, every day I try to convince myself that I am fine and I don't want someone at my side. The problem is that I DID have a kid and somehow I think miracles apply to other things too, and I want to believe I deserve nice things... That there's someone for me.
I am immature... I have so many other things to think of, to worry about. And here I am crying over the fact that none has ever seen something in me that's worthy. I am expendable. And I keep getting told that I shouldn't say it, that I have the love of my daughter... When I clearly don't mean that.
I thought things would be different with him. We had been friends for so many years, we had so much in common, so many projects as a team... It was impossible to not idealize things when he took the first step. But, nothing, the same speech about her m.not being ready, that I deserve something better. It's my fault, it was me who thought things could go well. I can't paint him like a villain when I know very well how this things go for me.
I thought it didn't hurt anymore, I thought I was okay. Maybe it's just this feeling of being stuck that's playing against me. Lately, even when I have accomplished many other things, I'm not where I want to be. And I try to not compare myself to the success of others whom have had better opportunities and resources... But I wish things could get better quicker.
And I am better, I guess, but there's something... It's there, that feeling of emptiness, of incompletion... Some day this has to go away.
Pictures taken with my Xiaomi Redmi Note 9 cellphone.
ESPAÑOL
Nunca he sentido que encaje en ningún lado, ni con mi familia, ni amigos. Siempre he tenido esa sensación de ser prescindible, de estar de más. Quizás por eso me aferro tanto cuando quiero a alguien, quizá por eso busco desesperadamente lo que debería de encontrar en mi misma, pero nada funciona. Nada parece funcionar.
Una vez más estoy recogiendo los destrozos luego del naufragio, una vez más trato de reparar y seguir adelante como si nada hubiese sucedido... Estoy cansada, me siento torpe, tonta, en especial lo último. No sé por qué a mi edad continúo esperando que un día las cosas sean distintas, cuando deberia de aceptar que hay cosas que sencillamente no son para mí.
Es gracioso porque de los dientes para afuera digo que no espero nada, que no me importa y que así estoy bien. Que soy "feliz". Pero no es así, es por eso que me siento un fraude cada vez que mis amigas me cuentan sus cosas, o me piden consejos... Porque yo estoy cada vez más perdida dentro de mi misma, es solo que no quiero que ellas sean como yo. Quiero que estén bien, que por lo menos ellas si encuentren lo que buscan, porque la verdad es que yo ya no sé que es lo que quiero.
Es algo así como cuando me dijeron que probablemente no podría tener hijos y trate de convencerme a mi misma de que no deseaba tenerlos, cada día trato de convencerme de que estoy bien y que no quiero a nadie a mi lado. El problema es que SÍ tuve a mi hija y de algún modo pienso que los milagros pueden aplicar a varias cosas, y yo quiero creer que merezco cosas buenas... Que hay alguien para mí.
Soy una inmadura... Tengo tantas otras cosas en qué pensar, por las que preocuparme. Y aquí estoy llorando porque nunca nadie ha visto eh mi algo que valga la pena. Soy desechable. Y me dicen que no diga esas cosas, que tengo el amor de mi hija... Cuando claramente no me refiero a eso.
Creí que con él sería diferente, quise que fuera diferente. Habíamos Sido amigos durante tantos años, había tanto en común, tantos proyectos en qué trabajar como equipo... Fue imposible no idealizar las cosas cuando el dió el primer paso. Pero, nada, el mismo discurso de que el no está listo, que merezco algo mejor. Es mi culpa, fui yo quien creyó que todo podía salir bien. No tengo por qué pintarlo de villano cuando yo se muy bien como terminan esas cosas para mí.
Pensé que ya no me dolía, pensé que ya estaba bien. Quizá solo es esa sensación de estancamiento jugando en mi contra.
Últimamente, si bien las cosas han ido mejorando, no estoy donde quisiera estar. Y trato de no compararme con los éxitos de terceras personas que han tenido mejores oportunidades y recursos... Pero quisiera que todo se diera más rápido.
Y estoy mejor, supongo. Pero hay algo... Está eso allí, esa sensación de vacío, de incompleto... Algún día se tiene que disipar.
Fotografías tomada con mi teléfono Xiaomi Redmi Note 9.
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I can relate to you in so many ways. It's hard to find a group or a friend these days that could make us feel home. I suffered with this sentiments during my teenage years, and I'm just lucky to find a group where I can see myself fit in college. I wish you could find yours, and find the perfect motivation that your remind yourself that you are valued and appreciated.
Have a good day to you!
Thank you for your supporting words. Well, my mental health issues is responsible for much of those feelings of not belonging. Now I've been managing that, but there's still that sensation of something being off.
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I loved the entry , and we all matter and you fit in very well here on hive and here in the ladies of hive never forget that
Thank you for opening up your diary to me.
Good luck and see you in the comments
Britt
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For many years I was stuck with this feeling but over time, I realized that it was okay to feel that way and that I didn't need to fit in, instead, I needed to be myself and love myself.
I read through your diary and I am in tears because I could feel from the depth you are coming from, although not the part of the love. After all, I have been the one who ran away from love, fear of being attached to someone who at the end of the day would leave you for someone else after a long commitment and attachment but then, I have learned to live, I have learned to not run away.
We all deserve that one person who would love us like their lives depended on us for survival, we deserve good and beautiful things and people our way and I believe that just one day we will be given what our heart desires.
Yes, miracles do happen, even little miracles 😊
🙏✨