In April of 2021 my doctor told me that I could not have a vaginal birth in this hospital, throwing the weight of the acclaimed institution he works for in my face. In fact, he informed me, No smart person would attempt it. I was six months preganant, and terrified by these words. I had no choice but to have a major surgery?
This week the Ladies of Hive community posed a prompt that is near and dear to me: In essence, what can you share about fighting violence against women where you live? Addressing the insanity of the US healthcare system's attitude towards birth has to come first for me. This is a graphic read that addresses a terrible physical violence against women, please be advised that it is upsetting.
Did you know that black women are 4x more likely to die in childbirth than white women in the US? In the US women are very at risk for complications, surgeries, and yes death just in general. Of any developed country in comparison, we have the worst statistics for women. We are outright abused in OB practices, that turn our most tender moments into a cog in the big pharma machine.
Our C-section rate is sky high- and you know why, right? M O N E Y. The beauty of childbirth has been monitized in a way that takes away the voice of mothers every day. This is not meant to shame women who choose or need to birth this way, it is to shame an industry that scares women into it, and worse. This needs to be addressed!
“I could not get my fill of looking. There should be a song for women to sing at this moment or a prayer to recite. But perhaps there is none because there are no words strong enough to name that moment.” ― Anita Diamant, The Red Tent
So what did I do? I left that hospital and never went back. The arbitary risk of rupture that can happen during ANY birth wasn't getting used to scare me into submission. I hired a Doula- a service that I was blessed to afford. However, I know this is also offered for free to low-income women through a variety of national charities. So, what is a Doula?
A doula is a magnificent being who supports you though birth, and helps define your wishes so you don't have to while paving the way for an entire life! It is a service I recommend to all women who need additional support in having the birth that's right for them, my Doula saved me. You can find free Doula support with a google search! They are scare tactic slayers.
Let's get vulnerable
You see, this was my third birth- the first two were CS. This time I wanted to have a different experience, the trauma that is tied to Cesarian for me isn't something I felt I could face a third time. I lost my first child, and it was in part because of the hands of western medicine. I had one beautiful day with her... Adele would be ten now :)
The birth of my daughter Thea felt like reliving that hell. They said I had to. Not again. On 7/2/21 I gave birth to my son after 3 days of labor, 3 hours of pushing, and a 3rd degree tear. And you know what? It was glorious!! My new doctor, a local Cleveland hero, left me in control of my birth to the best of his ability. There was nothing to take me from the primal moment of bringing my son into this world on my terms! This is the best I've felt one year out from having a child! Don't ever let anyone tell you that birth belongs to anyone but you. Hands off money grabbers and abusers!
When a child is born, it is the mother's instinct to protect the baby. When a child dies, it is the mother's instinct to protect the memory. -Unknown
The morning of the first and last day of Adele's life, I woke up knowing something was wrong. I had been hospitalized for the last two months, so in theory I was already in the best place, right? I wish. Maybe my Eldest would be here with me now if they had listened to me. For 9 hours I harassed them until they did an ultrasound, I was in surgery 30 minutes later.
In the moment I am my best friend, who was forced onto her back in labor against her wishes. I am the woman who gets an elective episiotomy without her consent. I am the scared and hurt mother who is having a doctor use perennial stretching without asking, confused by the betrayal of her trust. I am Caroline who had her crowning baby pushed back into her vagina. Unable to speak up while in a vulnerable state I am you, you are me. Birth is a sacred bond that transcends our physical being.
So what the heck can we do?
- Complain to the ombudsman Most hospitals have a human resources department dedicated to complaints, called the ombudsman office. File, encourage others to file. File on behalf of a tired mother. Be relentless.
- Donate to Doula work Open your browser and type "free doula near me". You should see lots of options pop up, do some research on them and consider donating. There are women every day who are kept safe in the watchful presence of Doulas.
- Report your Doctor to the hospital board!! Did you give birth recently, and you can't shake the feeling of something awful surrounding it? 34% of women surveyed report feeling that birth was traumatic, yet it is rarely reported. Ask someone to report for you if you can't, your feelings are incredibly valid!!
- Raise awareness We have to talk about this stuff or it will never change. Many women don't even know they are being abused in birth because it's so normalized! We need to shatter that reality with nothing short of brutality. A world that is not safe for mothers is safe for no one.
- Hold space for Women Mom's shouldn't complain, we should always be grateful, we should always be strong...Heck no! This expectation is literally killing women. Ask a new mom how she's feeling, and then ask how's she's really feeling. Invite the ones you love to be vulnerable, and embrace them in it.
Here are some US groups fighting for safe and empowered birth:
https://birthmonopoly.com/
http://humanrightsinchildbirth.org/
https://improvingbirth.org/
I am terrified to post this, because the loss of Adele is something I rarely talk about... yet I always do when I want to because that is my way of honoring her. She isn't a secret I should hide to make everyone comfortable. She was my daughter, and I'll love her for the rest of my days. A big way I express this is birth advocacy, so when I saw the LOH prompt for this week...well I just had to put on my brave pants and speak up. Birth is a gendered violence against women in the US. Its nemesis is UNITY. Thank you for giving me a space I feel safe to put this to words Ladies of Hive <3
I want to invite @nightbird01 to get involved in the Ladies of Hive community, this is a wonderful place to make connections and experience the best of Hive- there are a lot of helpful and loving humans here! I think they would love to see some of the passions that drive you :)!
Hi Grindan
I think it is very brave for you to speak up. It is absolutely disgusting what goes on with episiotomies that are not even told to the patients and that the mother is not given all the information. It's wrong on so many levels especially when a person is in that position where you are trusting your life and that of your child into another's hand and they betray that trust.
Thank you @emma-h, well said! I truly hope to see a birth revolution in the US in my lifetime!
I legit felt my heart being ripped out as I read this. I am so sorry at what you had to face. Do you know that over here, we mostly believe that things are so smooth over there? I am so sorry for your little angel and that you had to loose her that way. I would create awareness too and would never be able to look at mothers the same. You all have my heart felt respect!
I think that it's more than fair to say things are smooth here compared to Nigeria! We have the exact opposite problems in some ways- such an abundance of resources for the average person, that EVERYTHING has been monetized. There is money to be made off birth, so it has become a business. That's the American way, and it gives us (the lower income ppl) just as many gifts as it does punishments. With that said, I deeply recognize that I have a ton to be grateful for, and want a better future simultaneously. It is dubious. Thank you for the beautiful comment @deraaa <3
Well that has truth in it. We do lack the necessary resources. Good Morning! Rise and Shine. Here's your coffee...☕😁
☕❤️😁
Thank you very much for the trust in telling your personal story. In my country there is a high rate of deaths in childbirth, absence and hospital crisis is terrible, many times natural childbirth is imposed on women because it is the cheapest option because surgery costs money that neither the mother nor the hospital have , that is to say, the opposite happens that in your country, in cases of risk a caesarean section is necessary but here it is very expensive
It is also unfortunate that episotomy is performed in practically all births without consultation, they didn't even tell me they just did it as part of the routine, but in my country access to justice is always limited by economic conditions.
A big hug and thanks for your contribution to the community
!LADY
Thank you for commenting and sharing your own experience @irenenavarroart! There really needs to be more of a spotlight on how women suffer everywhere in birth, because it is crazy for women to be hurt and betrayed in labor. Mothers protect everyone else, we need to be protected to!
For some of it is fighting for the resources to be able to save lives, with the practices that are abused in other places... it is an important reminder to me, that the c-section that I had to fight against, another woman would do everything to be able to afford... it's all just a mess. Hugs to you as well!
HUGS!
I can not see my keyboard
Hugs to you my beautiful friend ❤️
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Wow i am in shock with this information
!LADY
Thank you for your comment and the Lady @tibaire! Of all the women in the US, black women are the most abused in labor statistically, and also the most likely to lose their life or the life of their child. It was important for me to start with the most harrowing statistic of all!
!LADY
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Thank you so much @thekittygirl ❤️❤️❤️ I am grateful that female solidarity exists to carry us through fighting for a better future!
Sorry for the loss of your first child Adele, I felt pain when reading this. Till this very moment, I thought people in the part of your country, have the best life. Didn't know no country is perfect.
Thank you @mercysugar... it brings me joy whenever someone says her name to me, she was a special girl :)
The US does have a lot of things to be grateful for, but like everywhere else we also have problems and government abuses. It is the most common thing we all have, the thing that is the most human, to have to fight for better in our lives!
To be honest, I can't imagine the pain you have felt after losing your first daughter, all I can is to assume.
She is totally fine now wherever she is now.
It takes too much courage and braveness to talk about this.
I did not know about all these things untill now.
I just hope all these things happening now may change in future.
Let's hope for a better future.
Thank you so much for your kind words @nightbird01 ❤️
I don't know if you saw at the bottom, but I tagged you because I want to invite you to the Ladies of Hive community! I think you have a beautiful way of expressing your joys and passions that the community would love! This post was my submission for the weekly contest, if you want to particpate you can find the guidelines here! Happy Hiving :)
I saw that and I'm already trying to compose an article on that topic.
I forgot to tell about it.
Thank you sooo much for tagging me , it will help me not only now but also in future too to accumulate more knowledge, to wander a whole new world.
How do you change another's mindset?
Changing how people think about the things they are doing is the only way I can see.
The same thing is replicated in all area's of society.
The changing of things would also happen over a period of time. More visible from generation to generation.
Alas as a people we will resort to what did not work previous and seek those in power to make the changes we want. Yield them yet more control over us.
Taxes paid are abused pilfered and waved then in your face. Because there is no accountability. Hidden behind and oath of I thought I was doing the right thing. With the profits made and plundered from tax payers for medical expense. It is surprising that anyone needs to pay for healthcare anymore.
Alas as a people we will resort to what did not work previous and seek those in power to make the changes we want. Yield them yet more control over us.
But people are mistrusting of each other and none willing to pay the reaper for the benefit of others.
There are so many ways I could respond to that well thought comment @thehive!
I am a nihilistic-optimistic hybrid... a goofy paradox. Do I believe that the world COULD be a magically perfect loving place? No, not really. Because of the many points you've made, and some additional others, humans perhaps aren't built to unify. We seem to resist it with everything we've got.
There was a time I fought for my political beliefs through direct action, and I still do to a much smaller degree... but the time I thought I could change much with a vote is long gone. I didn't ask people to vote away the violence for that reason, and it seems like you really understand the spirit of that :). In general, I do have the belief that people could be empowered to stand together someday- and this post is a hopeful nudge to a progress asking to be made.
That's where the optimism lives, my love of unity and belief that we can evolve to be better. As you said it would be a long process. But you know what? I got some time here. You can spend life doing the things you don't want to and fail, so why not take the chance on what resonates! For me, that is hoping to speak something else into existence, love to spite the bad in the world.
And who knows? Maybe our grandkid's grandkids will live in a more unified world someday... I'm gonna keep writing from the part of me that very much does believe in people. Cause why the F not :) Any words we speak could be the ones that make someone think differently. Cheers to you, and thanks for commenting your thoughts on the overhanging situation!
The first house begins the change.
Thank you @beatrice3em ❤️