May 19, 2022
If only I could turn back the hands of time, I want to go back to when I made wrong decisions and make them right. The Weekend Community recently had a writing prompt about time. One of the topics was "If you could stop time (and remain there) which year, moment, event or era would you choose, and why?" Unfortunately, I became a busy bee and forgot to write content for this challenge even though I already had a story in mind for this topic.
Luckily, the Ladies of Hive community posted a challenge that can be connected to the prompt mentioned above that I wanted to join.
October 6, 2015, when the most devastating event in my life happened. That was when my grandfather died. I was at work and felt depressed and sad upon knowing the sad news from my cousin. Sad because I wasn't able to see my grandfather before he passed away. Depressed by the fact that I was a caregiver taking care of other elderly, yet, I wasn't able to take care of my own sick grandfather, not even on his very last breath.
Image from Unsplash by Rhodi Lopez
Prior to this event, a terrible event happened that almost took a life, my own life. On May 27, 2015, three days before our village fiesta, a commotion took place inside our home that provoked me to release my frustrations and grudge against my father as I saw him not acting like our father anymore, but like a monster or a boss that we need to obey, or else, a punishment will be imposed.
When I saw him hurting my mother, I didn't have a second thought to face him and that's the very first time I shouted at him and released all my hatred against him. I broke the ego and cut the ladder of pride of my wicked father who was once a soldier. He got mad and pointed his gun at me. At that time, I was ready to die in my own father's hands. Yet, I got scared for my family that would be left behind, especially my mother. I know my father can't kill me, but the gun scared me to death, so I ran and locked myself inside my room the whole day and night.
The next day, I eloped to the city and started my new life, alone. I looked for a job to support myself, but each day, I was still worried about my family back home. A lot of things happened when I was away from home, and that includes some realizations and changes that happened to my father, and he changed for good.
A few weeks before the death of my grandfather, he was admitted to the city hospital, and that was only the time I found out that he was actually sick. I felt guilty about the fact that I was a Caregiver, yet, I couldn't take care of my own sick grandfather as I needed to grind to make ends meet and live for my family. One time I visited him in the hospital, he looked sad and mad as he couldn't eat what he wanted since the physician advised him to do fasting because he needed to undergo some laboratory tests.
Image from Unsplash by Olga Kononenko
I didn't even stay longer due to the limited amount of time, nor bring something for him, fruits for instance. I never thought that it was the last time we would see each other. A few days before he passed away, he was discharged from the hospital, and I felt happy as I thought that he was getting fine, unfortunately, he wasn't. I never asked the real reason for why he has been discharged, the fact he wasn't even okay yet. My grandfather probably just waited to be back home and see his family again before he opted to cross the bridge of life.
One afternoon on October 6, 2015, after sending my patient to her afternoon nap, I rested for a moment then my phone beeped. Tears gradually fell on my face and my mouth trembled upon reading the message of my cousin, followed by my brother's. That was the saddest message I ever received in my life that took me a while before it sunk in my mind and absorbed everything.
And as a Caregiver, I needed not to show my real emotions in front of my patient, as it might trigger her anxiety or agitation, but I failed to keep it from her. When she woke up and learned the sad news from the maid, I was happy that she understood my situation, and allowed me to take a leave so I could go back to my hometown to attend my grandfather's wake.
Image from Unsplash by Mulyadi
After five months of being away from home, the death of my grandfather became the way for me and my father to reconcile. It was difficult for me to acknowledge this devastation as I felt guilty about the thought that I wasn't able to do my part as a granddaughter to my grandfather. Each time silence took over, negative thoughts would preoccupy the mind that made me regret a lot of things. And oftentimes, I would wish for the time to turn back its hands and bring me to the time when I had wrong decisions in life.
Image from Unsplash by Aron Visuals
So if I could turn back the hands of time, I would want to go back to when my grandfather got sick and I'll be his Caregiver. I would apply every knowledge I learned just so he could be better which could probably help to extend his life. Ever since I graduated from college, my life revolved around my workplace and seldom visited my family at home. I never had quality time with my grandfather either, as I was always busy at work.
While recollecting my memories with him, it reminded me of when we were kids and our grandfather was still healthy. Oftentimes, he would call his grandchildren to help him pluck his white hairs. While doing so, he would tell funny stories to us and we just kept laughing. More funny memories of him were when he was drunk. He became a singer, a dancer, a joker, and a great storyteller, funny stories though. My grandmother on the other hand, never get mad while he was drunk, as it made the house alive with our grandfather's funny stories.
So each time we heard him saying weird and funny stuff, we would just say "hubog na liwat hi tatay," in our dialect, which means "grandfather is drunk again." And once he got tired of doing funny stuff, he would just lay down in the corner in a funny position with his mouth wide open and he would sleep. If we only have a camera during those times, we probably have a lot of funny photos of him.
If I could only stop the time and stay there, that would be when I was still a kid and has more quality time with my grandfather. I would stop the time so we could play and bond longer and create more happy memories with him that I could bring in the future.
It took me a while before I accepted his death and the fact that, I could no longer bring back my grandfather's life, nor turn back the hands of the time. The beautiful memories with him helped me cope with the depression I suffered from his death and continued being a Caregiver for other elderly.
Due to this event, I promised myself that, when the time comes that my old parents are already weak and sick, I will be their Caregiver until their very last breaths as I don't want to regret things anymore.
Writing this made me emotional, especially when reminiscing happy memories with my grandfather. But then things happen for a reason. The misunderstanding that happened between me and my father was the way for him to realize things and be a good father, not a boss. The death of my grandfather was probably meant to happen as he was already old and needed to rest in peace. Besides, he helped me reconcile with my father and it brought harmony back to our once shattered home.
This lady seems to be so positive, I wonder if she had a devastating event in het life. Wanna join @ifarmgirl? 😁
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Life altering events that eventually bring one back into the family fold is never fully understood at the time. We never know why certain things happen, thanks for sharing.
!LUV
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Thanks for reading
Thanks for sharing we all unique in every way.
Woah 😍
I must commend the bravery and yes am happy you let loose of your anger towards the fact he bit your mom! I would rather die than to watch him keep doing that! If he was the one that killed me, I would still be at peace knowing fully well that he will leave with the pain forever in his heart!
I'm so sorry about the passing of your grandfather, it's so sad that being a caregiver and yet not having time to take care of your own!
May his gentle soul rest in the bossom of the lord!
Via #dreemport!
Thank you.. That was a blessing in disguise
Reconciliation can be very cathartic. Something good came out of a very sad time in your life. I am sure that your Grandfather loved you very much and just wanted the best for you too and never thought anything ill of you and the choices you had to make for your own life. He fulfilled a higher purpose right there in his passing 🙏Sending you much love, Jane. I am pleased to have read this in Dreemport again this evening !LUV !ALIVE
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Thank you 🥰 !LUV
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Yes. Some events appear unavoidable, and I think they teach us something that helps us do things in a better way.
In spite of the pain of grandpa's death, reconciliation has come in between father and daughter.
Yup.. The positive thing that happened between us..
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Thank you
We carry so much regret with us from the past reliving those moments as if we could somehow change the circumstances for a different outcome. Just remember them in the good times rather than in the bad ones.
❤️
Thank you..
Oh sis, this is very emotional... I am sorry to read about your grandpa but I hope you aren't blaming yourself or feeling guilty that you weren't beside him on his last days. You didn't do it on purpose💗
Matagal na yun.. Ka move on na ako 😁
Happy to know sis❤ Good morning
Life works in mysterious ways Jane, and I am glad that you and your father reconciled albeit through tragic circumstances, life throws us that twist many times, it has happened to me a few times.
Working abroad also means we miss events like your grandpa's passing too, I know again it has happened to me.
You did what you did and helped your family, and I know your grandfather was proud of you, as I and so many people are for what you have done!
Popped in via dreemport.
I was in the Philippines when he passed away.. But I did miss several special occasions with my family
aww that happens too
Grabe yung mga events! But I'm happy you are well and your family is in harmony again. It was a sad moment, not being able to take care of your own blood relatives, and your funny grandfather at that. But yes, everything happens for a reason.
Thank you for bravely sharing this with us!
I was inspired by one of the participants in this contest too. She shared the same sentiment
Not sure if that was the post I read but that's great, she inspired you to be courageous in sharing your story!
I'm sorry about your loss and I can feel the pain. Losing someone we love is the most devastating event imaginable. No matter how strong we are, or believe ourselves to be when that person is taken away from us, it feels like our world crumbles. The pain can be unbearable.
I believe that your grandfather always loves you and wants you to live happily and healthily.
Emotional story and thanks for sharing with us. !LADY
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Thank you...he's in peace now, so I'm happy for him too 🙂
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Thank you
Death of a loved one does impact us so much! It's difficult to get over, if we ever do, but time does help to make the pain less sharp. Thank you for sharing and take care!
True. Most of the time I just let time heal wounds of the past
💜🤗
I'm very sorry for your loss and that you couldn't be taking care of your grandfather, but don't feel guilty, you fulfill a very important job being a caregiver offering your service to other people. Thanks for sharing 😊
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Thanks for the LADY too.. That's the saddest part of being a health worker. You are dealing with other patients, yet, you can't take care of your own family
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This is quite emotional but you should stop blaming yourself for not being there for your grandfather. I guess even if you were there he would still go because it was his time ( you said he was old). Just keep your focus on the good memories you shared with your father, I believe he would love you to stay happy.
Yeah, it happened for a reason. And i can't turn back the hands of time anymore..
Reading this made me very emotional. Nobody wants to lose a loved one. We want them around and very much alive. We wish there is just something we can do to keep them around much longer. Unfortunately, some of these wishes don't get granted as death comes and steal them away from us. Good a thing his death brought you and your father closer. I see that as a positive thing. Even in death, your grandfather United the family.
It's something inevitable that we don't want to encounter...
Thanks btw
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