Oh babe I'm right there with you. I totally, totally get how you feel. Sounds like you have some deep body trauma to work out of your system and that can take years (sorry, not encouraging is it?). The thing is we WANT to connect, we're hard wired for it, but on the same hand it doesn't feel SAFE at all!!!
Moving on to talk about me (lol), i feel all hot and prickley when I'm around others, like I'm ready to run - a proper 'fuck, there's a million tigers staring at me and I have to RUN'. And I can FAKE it for a bit, that's my nature - most people don't think I lack confidence - but then I have to RETREAT and be on my own for like - DAYS - before my system will settle down. Then I think I'm ready to go again and it's the same thing.
And ghosting or avoidance, yeah, I do that. I had a good friend come over to the state for the first time in five years and wanted to catch up and I LIED AND SAID I HAD TO WORK. What the hell?
Thing is, I'm not UNHAPPY on my own, and I get sustenance from my family and husband, and random chats at the supermarket or in the surf. My husband is awfully lonely and he'd have people around all the time, but me, meh, give me space and I feel much better.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you aren't a freak, you aren't alone, and I totally, utterly get it.
I hope you find a way out. I'm still trying - but I've given up trying hard enough.
And people always, always let me down.
Yesss! This is why I'm following you . I read some of your posts in the past and I can totally relate.
I realize how hard it is to put myself out there. It doesn't get easier as I get older.
I know I'm okay on my own I do have a lot of things going on aside from work - hobbies and stuff. But damn how I need another soul sometimes... I'm working on changing how I see the world. So I journal and write down 3 positive things that happen to me daily (even this is hard lol) to rewire my brain. The other day I wrote "the supermarket staff talked to me today" - lol I know how pathetic! This is already a big deal for me. A big positive thing that happened to me that day lol.
People are inherently selfish they care until I don't have anything to give to them. So far all the bad things that happened to me was because I was polite, giving and caring. I think I have to start banning these behaviors now lol.
Anyway, thanks for the insight. I'm on it....