I felt so tired of this world that I turned the lights off. I needed silence to delve into it.
I stared at the dark, it looked like a black hole, there was something in the dark, it was expanding. I thought there would be darkness, I wouldn't see anything.
But, I saw more things in the darkness.
I saw life, fighting with death. I saw lights. I saw particles. I saw the eyes of some creatures. I saw the creatures wearing long gowns. I saw baskets. It was not real darkness. It was not real black darkness. It was a mixture of all the colors of life. Who says there is stillness in darkness and life in the light? There is more life in the dark. Abandoned places, dark spots, surrendered areas!!! All of it is not real darkness. It was once filled with the light. And the darkness tells the story of their glory.
When you sit in real darkness for a long time, it is not dark you'll see. You'll see stories. You'll sit there, silent, but you'll see something is not silent at all. What is it? Is it your mind? Or the stories of the people who left the residence or the divine-ness of the place.
Anyway, I sat there and felt the stillness. And I had pain in my heart. I felt it. I let it sink all over me. I floated in the pain for a while. And then I drowned. I didn't help myself. I let it happen. And I kept feeling.
And then I saw darkness. I felt it. I drowned in it too. And then I saw something like a black hole. I saw; it was like a galaxy. I lost myself in there. It hurted my whole body, especially my heart. I let it hurt me until I became numb.
And from there, my friends, I opened my eyes and I looked at the ceiling. I was empty. I kept looking at the ceiling. Everything around me went quiet, unnoticed. And then I tried to be present at the moment. I gathered all my might and I was staring at the only spot at the ceiling. Of course, when I tried to be present, I felt a nominal pain. And that pain was different, bittersweet. And at that particular moment, I realized the meaning of something, something my soul was looking for. I can't name it yet.
That was, my fellows, as I felt "the moment of realization". Eyes wide open without blinking, there it was!!
"THE MOMENT OF REALIZATION".
I tried to catch it but I couldn't.
I felt it.
It is within me.
It came to me after a lot of pain.
But I can proudly say: "It's there, in my heart, within me."
I'll try to catch it for you some other day. But can we catch the moments? No?
I know, right?
One of my favorite philosophers, Lao Tzu, said:
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be."