I learned a lesson about addiction a few years back. And since then, I see it everywhere. People need to hit rock bottom in order to get out and change things. And that is not only about substance- or dopamine-related addictions, but also behavior-related.
Comfort is an addiction.
Stepping out of the comfort zone and start working on oneself to improve seems to be just like that, in many ways. I know many people who would benefit greatly from therapy, for example – and they know that. They accept it. They’ve done therapy, and they were amazed by how it helped them. But they took it like Ibuprofen, a quick remedy for an acute problem.
Quick ain’t good.
That’s not only true for sex (except the intentional quickie), but also for improvements on oneself. Just because a wound is cauterized on skin-level doesn’t mean there aren’t any internal bleedings. The “quick fix” is ambiguous that way, and the effect on non-substance-addicts is the same as for drug addicts. It’s temporary. The problem will be back.
Just like the Terminator.
But even the Terminator is not good for a definite fix. How many times did he have to come back? Just because he didn’t get the job done right. And that’s the thing, a lot of times there is no end to it. To therapy, yes, as soon as we have all the tools we need and are finally aware of our issues and how to keep working on them, we won’t need therapy anymore, or at least not as often. But:
It never ends.
Which, if the therapist did their job right, is not a menace, but somewhat exciting. We can improve. We’re not stuck in our behaviors, in our failures, in incoherence with our values. We can become more coherent; we can become better in our own eyes. But we have to take it seriously. We have to put in the quality work in it, not the quick fix. And that takes time and energy.
Bullets and band-aids.
As with many things, in the long run, it’s cheaper to go for quality and pay more. Facing the same issues over and over again because the root of them is never even found, nor examined, is exhausting. And it comes back over and over again. And each time it seems like the problem is solved, though it’s not.
Your progress is not determined on how you feel now, but on how you’re able to manage the next crisis.
On great days, when we feel good, it’s easy to keep our mind together. But when shit hits the fan, that’s when we can see how much we’ve progressed. Be it communication issues, anger issues, whatever issues we have, in the respective crises we get our results.
I’ll do better this time!
Same words as a drug addict. But from a comfort addict. I tried to help many people in different ways, some accepted, some didn't, on some it was even successful. I always stopped when excuses were made, when the consistency was interrupted, when they felt better already, when other things were more important. I learned to accept that. I'm not an almighty savior, no wise guru, not even a psychologist. All I can do is send people there.
In the last year, I came to terms with that. It’s sad as it affects my relationship with those people, as I’m not keen on incoherence (not even my own). They say they want to change, and they could, but decide not to, making up excuses – it’s a loss of trust. I can’t rely on those people as I can on those who own their decisions. I boiled it down to this:
To me, there is nothing more important than me being able to deal with my stuff. If you don’t want to deal with your stuff, that’s okay. But it will affect my relationship with you.
One thing I'm still working: Having patience with people. Not everyone is like me, everyone has their own pace.
As someone who quit crack cocaine cold turkey and has been clean for almost 6 years -- you are absolutely right.
Comfort is an addiction. Habit is an addiction. Coddling is an addiction. And one, if not all, of these will be the automatic response when trying to quit. It takes insane amounts of resilience in a society that has taught us to give in to every want.
The solution is purpose. I gave in to addiction because I grew up suicidal my entire life, I saw no value in life, or what I did. That all changed when I met my husband, and now our two children. Suddenly I had a reason to live. Purpose is the foundation of a well-adjusted life.
It is why, while so many may still disagree with it, it's why so many programs tried replacing the addiction with God and religion. Both things can be full of meaning, and people are free to interpret that purpose in their own way. Today? they tell you that "once an addict, always an addict," and that's a straight up lie
Thank you for writing that!
Resisting the over-availability of everything is a good way to describe the fight against addiction. So much depends on how we grow up, what habits/addictions are given with us from small on. Mine was work/productivity for a long time, until I broke. The thing is that society applauded me for being such a hard worker, creating such a well run business, giving work to so many people. It's an addiction that is wanted, yet still destructive.
Children are such a wonderful thing. My had and has a huge impact in me, too, she inspired so many changes in me - not because someone told me, but because I felt like I needed to put in a lot of work to be coherent and hence a better father. And compared to a crack addiction, that was all just peanuts.
It's really impressive that you pulled that off. That you found purpose in a world that tries to trick us into thinking that there is none other than consuming and pretending. Religion can help a lot in that, with it's moral structures and dogmas, if it's really accepted. A friend of mine, recovered alcoholic, read the bible, the whole thing. It's really interesting because he does the most surprising connections between some behavior patterns and figures in the bible who relate to that. He doesn't got to church, though. He doesn't need it, as he has is spiritual path within himself.
I think to get away from an addiction, having a real connection to something helps. One can connect to spirituality, or to humans, or to something else. Maybe addiction is another symptom of superficiality?
I'm not sure about the "Once an addict, always an addict" - I can't really judge on that, and the friends that have recovered both say that it's true. That they couldn't have a sip of beer because they'd spiral out of control immediately. If you have time (or a link), I'd love to read an elaboration on why it's a lie to you 🙂
Thank you for your response and your experiences 🙏
I will just say, for the last part, I always interpreted "once an addict" as "you'll never fully recover -- you will ALWAYS crave the addiction the rest of your life." I can't speak for other people, but again, the cravings/withdrawals stopped being so intense after 3-6 months. After that, I didn't think about my addiction as much, probably a solid year and a half that I stopped thinking about it altogether 🙏🙏
I mean, of course if I were to smoke crack again, I would end up caving in again as well! 😩 Alcohol is a trickier one because of the availability and societal acceptance
Is alcohol a trigger for you, too? My friends were in on basically everything, and stopped it all together. They can move easily in rooms where people drink, as they don't have the craving anymore and are well set on their path. But when they're in a down, they don't go to gatherings like that on purpose - as I mentioned in the post, the real test is in crisis, and they would be more susceptible to it.
I always interpreted it the way that it's not possible to do it in moderation. Have only one beer and then stop. As soon as the body receives the drug, it goes all addict-mode again. Like it's in a slumber before that, but never truly gone.
Anyway, I'm very happy for you (and your family) that you got out of that! Kudos!
Addiction manifests in many places. The problem is that it's unnoticed most of the time, aside from the obvious mental and physical inhibitors (drugs).
It does indeed. I'd love to see people being more aware of what symptoms of addiction are. Not to see it in others, but to see it in themselves. Thanks to friend who had to go through the whole spiral down to the really hard rock bottom (he's doing great now), I got somewhat educated on the topic while trying to help, until I had to give up as it was way above my capacities. And I do see some patterns in my behaviors as well as alcohol. Nothing out of control, but at a point where I keep a very close eye on them.
Did you read @anaclark's post on booze, too? :D
No, but I will totally check it out now that you tagged it! Tomorrow, though, it's getting late here as you're probably just having lunch :-D
About 20 years ago, when I was smoking cigarettes, I read Castaneda's book "Don Juan". I really liked Don Juan's words - you can throw out any bad habit from your life, it's as easy as snapping your fingers.
The meaning of these words is that a person makes his enemy (bad habit) too strong. But this is not so, habit is nothing compared to our intention. To quit smoking, no effort is needed. I understood this then and quit easily. Sometimes I can smoke a cigar, very rarely, a couple of times a year.
It's true, as long as the conviction is high enough. Usually, that happens when hitting rock-bottom. The perspective changes, there is that snap of a finger, and things look differently. Rock-bottom is different for every person.
My Buddhist friend always says that both good actions and bad actions are training. Once you do a bad action, it's more likely that you repeat it. But at the same time, every time you do a good action, it's more likely that you repeat that, too.
A difficulty is that we're impregnated with habits from very small on, when we're not even conscious about them, and those are hard to break later. Not impossible, just a lot harder.