Before I get into it – I know that single parenting is hard, and that doing it in a foreign country without the support of a family is even harder, and yes, I take that into account when I judge myself. And I dislike the word trauma, it’s overused and losing its value as a word, like so many words, but that’s another topic. Also, her mom is not a bad mother to our daughter, please keep that in mind.
First things first: The Trauma
Lily (name changed) is 6,5 years old, and it has been 7 years of constant fighting with her mother (since the unexpected pregnancy). Some emotion-filtered facts: The mom left with Lily at 6 months old, from one day to the next, and I had no idea where they were for 3 months – they had left the country irregularly, to Venezuela as I later learned. I was able to convince them to come back, but 6 months later the mom told me “Either you give me permission to leave the country with Lily and you can come visit, or you’ll never see her again.” So again, they left, and I prepared to sell everything and follow suit. Thankfully, the pandemic made them come back. Another 6 months after that it was a “We’re going to move to the other side of the country, you do whatever you want.” That lead to me travelling 16h by bus (one way) for 2.5 years, every 4-5 weeks for 7-10 days. Then, one year ago, after again disappearing for a month, the mom told me that she would allow Lily to visit Germany for the first time, and that Lily could live with me for a year.
(After-write-edit: Wow. I actually got that together quite good in only 200 words. I guess you can still feel some of my bitterness about it, but it’s definitely way more fact oriented than before. Progress.)
Now, I have a trauma mostly based on impotence in the sense of being powerless. A father does not have any rights here, so I had to accept many things that I saw as damaging to my child – those who have children know how that feels. Those who don’t have children – be glad. It’s a whole new dimension of pain. Now that Lily is finally with me and with that in an environment that I consider a lot healthier to grow up in than the constant instability, is huge. Exhausting, challenging, hair-loss-provoking, yes, all that, but still a lot better than before.
Why this post?
The mom said something very, very positive, that caused me anxiety – that she would be fine if Lily stayed with me longer, IF LILY WANTED. It opened a door. A door for hope. I’m quite strict with Lily on many fronts, as her mom is very inconsistent with those, and the stability and structure are doing well for the little one (as confirmed by teachers and psychologist, yes, covering my back). But even though it is good for Lily, she doesn’t quite like it a lot and like every child, she’s testing the limits all the time. We clash, as parents and children are supposed to do. Patience gets thin, as I know is part of parenting.
IF SHE WANTS.
What if my parenting makes her not wanting? Can she really decide? Children are magnificent in many ways, and feel much more and make good decisions far beyond our comprehension. But also very, very bad ones. There’s nothing expectable; they’re a freaking fountain of improbability.
How does it affect my parenting? I have that constant fight in my head. Of having to make it so she wants to stay against doing what I deem is the parenting she needs. I can’t even decide what part is long-term thinking, and what is short-term thinking. Is it better to be more permissive and less parental, so afterwards she stays for the long term, giving me the chance to correct? Or is it better to be constant in who I am and what I do, and trust that she will want to stay?
Then as well, she misses her mom a lot, so is there even a chance for her wanting to stay? Or will she always choose to be with her mom while living with me, as she always wanted to be with me while living with her mom?
Example
Lily stayed with her mom over a long weekend and her mom told her that a friend of hers was giving away hamster babies, so Lily could have one – if I agreed. No, she did not ask me first. So, Lily called me and asked if she could have a hamster. I immediately said “no” because of the many reasons there are to not have a hamster, besides our living situation and so on. Lily answered: “Okay, then I will have a hamster when I’m living with my mom.” Talk about stabbing the heart. The hard NO went to a “Let’s discuss it when you’re here, and investigate on what it really means to have a hamster.” Which is the better answer in any way, I admit. But still, with this voice in my head, that looming menace of having to go back to traveling to different locations every 6 months, the prospect of being thrown back into that every draining vortex – it’s never quiet. It’s loud.
I hope that it actually makes me a better parent. More balanced. Maybe I am too strict. Could be. I’m somewhat in line with my parents, I think, and they did a great job. And I see the results of parents not being strict enough in all the spoiled brats (and dogs for that matter…) around here, all those princes and princesses that will never play a positive part in society, but are damned to the unfulfilling life of a leech, always feeling like they deserve more – for existing, not for merit. I don't want that for Lily, and yes, I consider the possibility of overcompensating every day.
As last words: Even the best childhood leaves room for trauma - we all suffer within the boundaries of our experience. Parents are human, and a child has to know humans, not machines. I'm aware of that. It's not about being perfect. I know.
Thank you for reading, and please don't be shy about questions and feedback.
I am sorry that I am reading this late. This is such a moving life! I won’t call it a story as it is real life.
I can’t give you any lessons as you know it all. I can’t give only share what I learned from my daughters. Yes, most of my parenting I learned from them and I widely admit it! They know it too.
I asked my older Lia, that I am a learner. So if I have done something wrong in parenting please let me know immediately and I will try and fix it. She is an wonderful kids ready for high school now and she does give me regular lessons :)
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I told Lily the same thing! And she's getting a lot better at expressing herself in a healthy way, and growing self-esteem to confront me, little by little. I try to motivate her to do so by pointing out my mistakes whenever one happens, so she knows I'm not perfect. And we're starting to decide things together now, which is also cool. Step by step...
I have noticed that if you give them responsibility early, they step up to it.
Thanks for sharing that. That gives me some confidence...
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