Would you believe me if I say, I'm not comfortable even having a comforting lifestyle? I seek for peace but never found the peace inside me. My brain is like a notebook with random words, lines, and art in it. And I don't know how to make the best out of it.
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The chaos I have inside my head is never gone, never come to a point that I can call it peaceful. The irony is, that my profile name is Peacefulsoul. Probably it was an unintentional effort so gradually my heart can follow and build something peaceful.
I believe I have passed half of my life or almost half. I used to think that I would figure out life by now when I was a teen. But look, here I'm feeling lost and alone, don't know where I'm heading, and didn't figure out what my life would look like in the next five years let alone a long-term vision.
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I wouldn't claim that my life was hard but mostly as usual. My mother was emotionally absent though. I'm not sure if that caused any issues in me but after losing my dad, it feels like there's no one that I can emotionally connect to. Even after having a family of my own, I don't feel connected with anyone, not with my husband or with my children.
Is that wired? Is this my fault that I failed to figure out what direction I'm going and chose the wrong life partner. But I wouldn't say that because my husband is a good man. So what's the problem here, I still am trying to figure it out. I never seek professional help, can't afford that. But I know that I need help.
Moreover, this is not the only issue but I have many more. My dad had schizophrenia and I fear that maybe that has something to do with my thought process. I have a comfortable life but I never felt comfortable in my head. I feel like I'm cased, seeing the life from the coop, never can get out and life to the fullest.
A failed approach, maybe!
I know that I need professional help but I can't afford that. I have been reading some books and online materials on self-help. But that didn't help supposedly. And I'm lost, can't share this because of social taboos/issues.
However, I have tried some spiritual things like prayer, zen, etc. But that didn't help either. Although it brings me a little peace inside or at least makes me able to accept and roll on.
But I'm looking forward to something specific which I also don't know what I'm looking for. I'm aging and can't live like this anymore, I can't tolerate me. It's like I'm blaming myself for being so ungrateful because I have a comfortable life and I still don't feel happy, like ever.
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What would you say? Am I being selfish? Is this is real problem or it's all inside my head and I need to move on without thinking so much? Should I manage to seek professional help or I should work on myself to help myself out of this imaginary mess?
Your @peacefulsoul
Real problems are inside your head, so it's unfair for someone to tell you they are just inside your head and not a real problem.
If you can try to seek a professional help but have it at the back of your mind that before someone can help you, you need to mentally prepared for a change. And no dear you are not selfish because the most important person to you should be you. So what ever you can do to set yourself free is not a selfish act.
Thanks for your confirming words. I never talked about it openly but usually pretended that I was happy and peaceful. I know that I need to change my approach to confront life and I'm studying to help myself out. I hope this will work. Thanks again.