Maybe you want to put some pants on.
My daughter called to ask if her friend could visit after school and I said that first she had to verify with the other parent, but it was okay for me. She called back a couple minutes later and then added, "Maybe you want to put some pants on before we get there".
The nerve....
I have been wearing pants all day!
For once.
Because I have been home on the couch with my legs up often for almost two weeks now, I haven't been wearing pants that much. Even when I have been in client sessions, I have a shirt on, but pantless.
Pretty professional I know.
But the last few days I have actually gone out of the house a bit (with pants), becoming more mobile and am looking forward to getting myself moving. Sitting down this much is stressing my body, mind and spirit. But at least I know that it is in service to a potentially more active future.
Are you okay?
Over the last few years there have been various campaigns and encouragements to ask people if they are okay, as a way to check in on their mental health a bit. The idea is that if we get the sense that someone is struggling or suffering, asking can cause them to reflect and open the door for them to talk about it, or recognise they need some help. If someone asked it of me, I would likely ask them first,
Why do you ask?
But, what if the answer is, I see you are suffering under the weight of your body and your knees are buckling, perhaps you should see someone about it. Or, it seems that you are struggling to take care of your children adequately, and maybe you should seek some support.
Would it be well received?
"I'm fine."
But, what is the difference enquiring about mental and emotional health, compared to physical, financial, or social health? Because they are all about our wellbeing as an individual, they should each be received equally, as they affect the whole of us. Yet, most people won't appreciate having someone question their weight or their parenting skills, or even the way they emotionally manage themselves.
We are very sensitive.
Being sensitive used to be a good thing in society, because it meant being able to pay attention to fluctuations in the environment. Nowadays though, being sensitive tends to mean that a person is affected by the environment, and that is generally negative. People are "too sensitive" and this means that they react to the environment. However the job of a sensor isn't to react, it is to read and measure the fluctuations. A sensitive person today, might not be very aware at all, but they can be very reactive.
While I don't think I would appreciate if people were constantly asking "Are you okay?" for every little thing they see is an issue with me, I do think that I would value more people taking in interest in my development and questioning me now, and where I might want to be. Not for their gain, but for mine. There is a difference when the person is asking for changes that they want so as to only serve their interests, and those who are looking to actually help the person first. This doesn't mean that there can't be win-win outcomes, but the one doing the changing should be the main beneficiary.
Over the years, I have known a few people who have suicided and it was nearly always "out of the blue" for those who were closest. Yet, I am unsure about how unexpected it was or whether there were signs that an "Are you okay?" might have highlighted. However, I have also known people to die from heart attacks from being overweight and not exercising, and people who have struggled financially and fallen heavily into debt, and people who are lonely due to a lack of social interaction.
Shouldn't they get asked also?
I wonder if we were actually a little more sensitive and a lot less reactive, we would be more open to receiving feedback and fielding questions that question our weaknesses. We'd also likely be able to be more helpful in providing feedback also. Perhaps then, rather than looking to react negatively to any perceived slight, we can become contemplative and considerate, seeing it as feedback in the environment we should be aware of and reflect on, to see if we are indeed, okay.
Wouldn't it be great to have a personal chef, a personal trainer, a personal coach, a personal psychologist and a personal guide to help develop all the skills necessary to be great at life and have a high level of wellbeing? It would be a bit like those movie stars preparing for a role, having all the help they need to get into the right shape, tune their accent, and move in the correct way. But unfortunately, not many of us can afford it.
What we can afford is peers.
A valuable social circle isn't one who is willing to pay for drinks, it is a group that is willing and able to help an individual grow. If a person has outgrown the group they are in and can either receive or provide any more support, it is time to move on and increase the challenge. It is a bit like some of the games my daughter likes to play still , as she likes them because they are easy for her. But, as I said to her, to grow, we need to do the things that are hard for us.
Like learning to take criticism.
Even when it is not meant to be constructive. It is not that we have to act on all the criticism we get in order to change to the whims of others, but we also don't have to react to it all as if we have been injured by it. We can always learn from the environment, and people's word and behaviours are part of our environment. If we choose to ignore any of the negatives and discomforts, we are omitting a massive amount of information that we could learn from, and grow from.
Am I okay?
And we are part of our environment too and we should take a look in the mirror of our lives and ask ourselves the question too. Am I okay? What are the consequences and benefits of being me right now, and is that all I can be, all I want to be, all I will stay?
We are always changing, for better and worse, whether we like it or not.
Taraz
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I try to make it a point of reaching out to my few friends to make sure they are doing okay. I probably should do it more often than I do and it's usually a pretty one way street, but oh well. My wife has a weekly check in that her students do. It's pretty simple and open so they can talk about whatever they want and doesn't just paint them into a single box like emotions.
I think it is good to have those weekly checks in the workplace, just to give a space. When it comes to your friends, would you bring up topics that are more sensitive?
Oh yeah, I am not shy about much of anything, especially with my friends.
Our social circle is really small, my wife has no friends and neither do I so we mostly interact with family and relatives, which we don't have too many as I am the only child and my wife has a brother and his girlfriend that is mostly our social circle. So we mostly rely on each other for social interaction.
On a funny note, I work and walk around the house in only shorts 90% of the time. My wife frequently jokes if I even own a shirt :) That is mostly because I run hot and we have a tropical 24 degrees Celsius 76 Fahrenheit 24/7 in our home as the ladies like it warm...
I think it is good to have a tight-knit group, but I also like to have some randoms about too for perspective. Are you close with your family?
Man! I feel you about the warm house! I do the same for the same reason, though my daughter takes more after me than my wife and runs hot too. I also wear shorts until the end of autumn and barely wear winter jackets unless it drops below minus 10 :D
Is your daughter okay? Watching her daddy walking around with his lad hanging out. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Well, I do wear underwear. Mostly. :D
However on that note, this is Finland. Nudity isn't an issue in a family and even friends, because of the sauna culture.
Oh god . I can’t think of anything worse than sitting opposite the mother in a sauna chatting about Christmas 🤣😷😷😷
"Nice baubles"
🤣🤣☠️☠️☠️
I think it is important to find a balance between being mindful of our environment and not allowing every small detail to affect us. Perhaps, we should focus on supportting each other rather than simply responding to everything.
I think mindfulness is about being aware enough to prioritise what is worth action.
I think part of the issue is that we spend a good portion of our lives at work where we are expected to "be professional" and a "team player". We have to take on a persona that doesn't reflect who we truly are or what's going on in our personal lives. If you're having personal problems, your boss typically doesn't really care until it starts affecting your work. Even then, they have to follow HR rules regarding your performance. Some people are able to keep up the facade until they decide to exit.
In a lifetime, we spend so little time at home with the people who matter to us, assuming we have somebody at home who cares for us. They might be more in tune with how we are doing. But then the problem is that we tend to not want to burden others with our problems. Whereas family (typically) will be there for you when you fall, co-workers rarely are.
The risk of the campaign you describe is becoming like the English greeting, "Alright?", which doesn't demand a detailed response. They're not truly inquiring about your well-being, just being polite like saying "hello".
It depends these days. A lot of people, because they have such poor social lives, expect their work to fill that social gap too. They expect their work to be fulfilling, have friends at work, and get paid very well with all the perks - but will leave for a few dollars more. If changing job every year or two, how does one make actual friends who care in the workplace?
This is often a choice, isn't it? Both the amount of time spent, the quality of that time and whether there is someone there. A lot of people just don't bother building relationships anymore, even though they need them.
The way you have explained it, it is far more typical in the US to be like that than in the rest of the world. In Finland for example, if I ask "How's it going?" in the corridor, they will tell me exactly how it is going, good and bad.
“How’s it going” is a polite greeting here. It was a bit disconcerting to constantly be asked when I first went to university.
Sometimes it might depend on how the person asks. Some ask after people's welfare with the aim of getting information to use for gossip or to mock them. I suppose if the question is asked in a genuine and sincere way it's okay. Though some don't appreciate people's concern about their matters except if the situation with them is very serious. Some prefer to bear their burdens alone.
I don't know too many people who look to do that with information, except online. There are of course some, but I think they are in the general minority of the people who would ask how some is.
From what I've observed in life, people often ask questions about things they previously failed at and later succeeded in. While they found these questions strange back then, they now ask the same questions themselves. This is quite strange. For example, after having children for a long time, parents who haven't had children begin asking those who haven't yet had children about babies. Frankly, those who haven't had babies are uncomfortable with these kinds of questions. Those who have been unemployed for a long time, once they get a job, start asking hurtful questions of those who are unemployed.
I've noticed that this behavior is common in many people. Even the most thoughtful people make mistakes in this regard.
You can try pajamas or sweatpants instead of pants, they might be a little more comfortable and acceptable :)
I think the reason why people ask these kinds of things when they do, is because it is on their mind at the time. People are generally focused on themselves, so the questions they ask and why they ask are selfish. This is what I meant by people asking another to change for their own benefit, not the benefit of the one changing.
I have stitches in my legs, so I avoid them catching on anything, because they are still quite tender.
But in my house, no pants is acceptable. :)
yes.. but are u ok?? :P this post reminds me of the bodybuilder I seen on YouTube.. he is HUGE, and he spends almost all his time in a powered wheelchair despite being fully able bodied. he claims it helps him recover fast!
:P I think I have adopted his strategy!
Lol - what a useless way to live!! :D
😂 yeah, and he has quite a compound (looks about 10 acres) with many building and a personal gym, of course..
I always tell my patients that if someone gives them advice or criticism about themselves, try to focus on the positive, what contributes to their growth and well-being, and let the rest flow.
Isn't it positive to learn from the negatives too?
Of course! That's why I say it's important to keep what truly contributes, and it implies that negative situations or experiences can also provide lessons that contribute to growth and learning!
To be honest, what we call healthy is actually mental health as well as physical health. But we mostly focus on physical health. It is true that most of us are very sensitive, but I don't think being overly sensitive in all aspects of our lives is a good thing. It may be necessary to function in society, but excessive amounts should be avoided.
I think we often focus on mental health these days, forgetting about physical health. Look at the increase in obesity - yet, people think that the increase in depression is because life is hard. Perhaps they should look in the mirror and get their phsyical health in order first.
It is true that wearing pants shows professionalism. Let me give you a good example to prove this. When I am driving on the road, when the police officers stop me and ask for my license, if I am wearing pants, they call me "Sir", but if I am wearing shorts, they do not give me any respect. This is common in many institutions in our country. Therefore, I have always been accustomed to wearing pants. But when I have a leg disability, pants do not feel comfortable.
I love this sentiment. I'm mostly appreciative of feedback if it is coming from a person whose opinion is well regarded. Not all feedback is created equal, but I'm generally open to hearing all of it. Lord knows in my 13 years of teaching I've been subjected to all types of yearly feedback initiatives and for the most part, they have been helpful to my practice and development as a teacher.
It also makes me much more willing to offer my feedback to others, which is not nearly as well received. While you would hope people would be open to hearing a different perspective or a strategy that may a better/easier result, often times it is met by being defensive and thought of as a personal attack on them as a person. Lord forbid!