Smallsteps and I went for Daddy-Daughter coffee today, but before we went to the café in the city, we dropped into a store to pick her up some new pants and socks for school. As while she doesn't grow that fast, she definitely puts a lot of holes in her clothes. Granted with the socks, since they don't wear shoes inside at school, they wear out quickly.
When we got to the register, there was a "twenty percent discount" if spending over a certain amount, and we were two euros off the lower limit, so we went and picked up a cheap shirt, which means it ended up being free anyway. However, this prompted Smallsteps to ask a few questions.
Why do we always need to "do something" in order to get something?
She meant that to get the discount, we had to meet some criteria, which she has noticed is the case for everything. So, we talked a little about that, which led to a discussion of getting the shirt for free, and then onto a discussion about how a discount isn't saving money, it is spending money. But if it is something you need and would buy anyway, it is saving. But if it is something that you don't need and you buy it just because it is on sale, it is a spend, and a loss. But before this, as I was driving, I said that I would explain my thinking on it and she asked,
Do I have to think the same way as you?
Definitely not. However, I mentioned that since her parents have a fair amount of experience, I would appreciate it if she considers our thinking so that she has more information before making her own decisions and solidifying her thoughts. I reckon we should always be open to challenging our thinking on anything and everything, even if it is uncomfortable.
As we talked about whether a discount is a cost or a saving, we talked about needs and wants too, which led into a discussion on what might be a good way to know whether a cost is worth it, if it is on a thing that isn't actually needed.
There is nuance involved with this reply, because it becomes a personal perspective. What I might see as a complete waste of money, someone else might see as vital. However, we each have to decide what is important to us, and what we are willing to forgo. There is value in spending time at a café for me with Smallsteps, but if we did it daily, it would no longer be special. And all those little costs would add up so that large things couldn't be purchased. For this the examples was about going out to restaurants to eat as a family of three, where going monthly for six months is the the same value as buying a decent electric piano for her.
So in my thinking, the value of something that isn't needed, depends on the life value it brings. For example, this message from my wife today:
We got a message and videos to let us know that the mother dog was having its puppies and while Smallsteps and I were out, we found out both of them are boys, which is what we wanted. This means that in about eight weeks from now, the family dynamics will change again as we welcome a puppy into our home. This is not as large a change as a baby, but it is still a significant change for us and it shifts many things in our lives with scheduling and care, for the next decade and a half or so.
Plus, it is unnecessary and expensive.
But is the cost worth it?
Again, it comes down to personal preference and circumstances, because just like children, pets aren't for everyone. But, they can not only change the dynamics of the home, they can also change the overall feel of the home itself, and the way people interact together. Our house feels better when we have a dog in the home, but it also means more responsibility for everyone, in some way.
The conversation changes.
As we are shaped by our environment, shift the contents and everything will change around it in some way. This means that routines get disrupted and conversations are had that wouldn't have been had prior. It isn't all a happy discussion, but a lot of it supports personal growth, development, and new behaviours. For instance, Smallsteps will have to take the puppy out after her school day and I predict that there will be many discussions because she won't want to all of the time. These are learning opportunities. Learning how to look after a dog properly, isn't just about learning responsibility, but it is also a step toward independence, because it helps a child learn that independence doesn't mean doing what one wants, it is about doing what is needed to be done first, even if it isn't fun.
Like picking up after a dog.
Daddy-Daughter coffee time is awesome. We have been doing it all of her life and the conversations are becoming more and more complex and far more interesting. She is also becoming cheekier and wittier, picking out more nuance and detail from what is said, and using it to solidify or break down the discussion. She is far smarter than I was at that age.
But of course, talking isn't enough. As while it can lead to a change in thinking, it still has to be put into action to have any real effect. Some people will talk for ever, but never make a decision, because they fear making the wrong one. This is just as bad if not worse, than acting thoughtlessly.
We all want to improve our life in some way, but in order to get a positive change, we have to spend time working out what that actually means to us, and what it requires from us. We need to be more intentional with our thoughts and behaviours, ensuring that we are acting like the kind of person we think we want to be. I can't tell my daughter to be the way I want her to be, the decision is up to her, and she cannot escape the consequences. She is the only one who can live her life.
Her environment will influence her though -
Like it does all of us.
Taraz
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How very intuitive of her that she notices that a discount like that isn't really a discount because it forces you to spend more money. It's crazy the number of people who don't see it like that and how they continue to spend themselves into debt. Dogs are a lot of money, but they are so worth it. I would have spent a ton more on our dog if it made sense to prolong her life.
The breeders here charge a lot, but there are a lot of things they have to do to ensure maximum health. People (generally) look after their dogs very well here and they are pretty much all coming from licensed breeders. Our mother dog had to have x-rays to ensure the back was okay, and then an ultrasound for the puppies. It is pretty expensive to be a breeder too.
There are so many rescue dogs over here that need good homes it's hard for me to justify ever paying a breeder. Most everyone in our family that has a dog got them from breeders though so I understand. I just don't think I could do it myself.
You’re giving Small Steps some great life lessons. It’s up to her to choose what she wants to do with that information, of course, but at least you are imparting info that can help her to learn about the value of money and things. The puppy responsibilities will be a great learning opportunity too. I wish we had done better on all counts when our three kids were young, but then again I’m not sure how much difference it would have made. They all turned out great but two are naturally thrifty and one has an enormous tendency to spend alongside a lazy streak. And they all got the same treatment regarding chores, responsibilities, and financial advice! 🤔
This is the thing. As parents we think we make a difference, but perhaps they turn out as they do despite us. Would they be the same even if raised by other parents?
I, for one, can't wait to meet your new puppy! Isn't love a necessity?
You have amazing conversations with smallsteps! I remember it was all I could do to get my three fed, bathed, homework done, school, lessons and practices attended, concerts and games attended, and playdates. I don't remember having time to converse much. Maybe it was all the pets we had, at one time as many as eleven, counting all the chickens as one.
I ordered a mattress yesterday. It said it came with two free pillows, valued at $168. It also came with a $150 discount. I know both of these are not really free, but a $318 saving sounds really good. The problem was I couldn't seem to claim both. In the end it was a wash, and I went for the discount because I have plenty of pillows.
For sure - but is puppy love? :D
Maybe it is because we only have one. Or perhaps it is just a change in times. I think parents spend more time with kids now for various reasons, but also less time doing real things with them. I feel it was better in the past, where quality time was paired with practical living, instead of being apart from it.
11 pets is a lot...
I would have taken the discount too, but I am picky with my pillow these days! I don't want two random ones and for $150 you can look around and get exactly what you want, or something else entirely!
My daughter has [this mattress](https://www.silkandsnow.com/en-us/} and its pillows, and the pillows are really nice, but I simply have more than I need already.
They do look nice!
The conversation you're having with your daughter is one two adults can have. It's a deep, meaningful conversation that encompasses life itself. It shows you're intelligent and wise.
Discounts often work against the customer. Discounts often involve spending more than saving money. For example, let's say six beers are $15. An alcoholic wouldn't want to miss out on a discount on ten beers for $20. Someone who normally drinks six beers will end up drinking all ten that day. Discounts are often attempts to increase consumption.
I think she is intelligent and getting wiser - I am just a bumbling guide :)
Your example reminds me of the Finns who go to Estonia and Latvia for cheap beer and alcohol -they end up drinking it more often.
I really want a dog or two or three in the future. maybe if I get a place (not a rental) or at least a condo that allows small dogs.. that one is so cute! HOTDOG! :)
I grew up with several dogs, but I wouldn't take a large dog here in Finland. Indoor dogs have to be small imo.
makes sense how you framed the restaurant choice against the piano. As an accountant, I tell folks that a di;scount is only a saving if it reduces what you would have spent anyway, otherwise it is just a shinier expense. Your coffee chats turning into choices that build habits felt truely valuable, like paying now for a better future rhythm. And the puppy will cost, but the return in daily joy and responsibility reps is strong, that is a profit in spirit :)
Do your clients take the lesson? Not sure how long you have been an accountant, but if for a while, have you seen shifts in spending behaviours over time?
yeah, some do take it, and the ones who stick with it usually start by tracking spendign weekly and paying themselves first. Over a year I see a shift from chasing discounts to planned buys, more home meals, and a 24 hour pause before non essentials :) Life events push it too, like a new pet or school term, and budgets flex but the habit of reviewing together is what holds. I'm not decades in, but even in a few cycles the change is clear.. fewer oops swipes, more calm money talks.
We have to always be the priority, because what we do now defines the next 20 years. Especially finding the time to talk to the people we love. Congratulations to your little daughter, even with the external influence, she learns to make decisions and choices considering principles and values of her parents.
It will be interesting to see what lessons she applies in her life.
What was it like for your kids?
Presence in parenting, as you do with your child, that I did together with my husband with my three grown children today, and now they do the.even with their own children. Because without a doubt, there is no conscious parenting without an emotionally present adult to build a healthier bond with children.
Why? because, your son will keep forever the memory of the times he looked for you and found you.
The phrase that we say to our children in the good and the adverse of "I am with you", builds that more than a thousand speeches. My husband and I still do it when our kids are looking for us.
This made me remember a time when Justrite (a popular mall in Lagos) was having their Ember sales. I saw a lot of people buying different things and when I stepped out of the mall. I heard someone say “I don’t even need these things”
No matter how much discount can be placed on something, if it seem like I’m never going to need it, I won’t go for it because every penny must go for something useful.
Small steps is inquisitive and I love that. Great life lessons!
My daughter was acting out in the car people going into sales and grabbing a lot of things they don't need or want.
Understanding the difference between needs and wants is important to any person. I think it is useful that you are helping her to think carefully about her choices.
She might end up making the most terrible decisions ever - but at least she knows it is her life to live. She will still blame her parents of course.
I totally agree with you. This will also make the child to have a sense of responsibility in doing the right thing.
She's such a smart girl. Talking a lot with sense is way different from too much talk without point.
While this is true, I think guidance is very necessary as it'll also help shape their decision making.
So insightful...thanks for sharing .
I think being guided by discussions about important things is probably better than influenced by social media content.
Certainly, that's correct. Social media contents is a no no.
The environment will influence in the kids, despite we don't want that happens. Therefore is necessary parents try to give the best advice they can. But no with only a point of view
Some parents enforce particular thinking, based on culture and religion, and then say they want their kids to be happy and free. They don't see the irony of their oppression.
They have a lot of homework to do( those parents).
Btw, I thought Smallsteps was the dog 🐕😂
Now, that would have been a one-sided conversation.
Bahahahhaaa I was reminded of a conversation I had with one of the kids I coach, he told me that he can't wait til he turns 21 as that's when he will get handed the "credit card" (I don't know if it's an actual credit card or just an ATM/debit card) for some savings account in his name that had some amount of money in it (parents saving up for him) and he was adamant that he was going to spend all of it on robux XD
I do expect 7yos to have no idea that their priorities will shift drastically by the time they're 21 and am a hell of a lot less lenient towards adults.
You've succeeded already XD
one of many successes
My kids are likewise at stages far earlier than I was which will hopefully help them get things together a lot quicker than I did.