Hey, I recently hit 31 and took a moment to reflect on some tough shit. Life, for as long as I can remember, has been a blur of issues, self-hate, failed relationships, and heartache. I've done this to myself, and I've always known it. It wasn't until today that I had a small glimpse, a brief memory, of what my old self used to be before life got to me.
I'm not sure how to start this tale, so I'll begin where I'm at right now. I'm 31, working Mon-Fri as an electrician. People around me think I have my shit together. I'm also about 9 years into a secret cocaine addiction, recently single again, and harboring enormous amounts of self-hate.
What hit me today, something I haven't realized in over a decade, was what used to make me happy. I haven't been happy for so long, trying a lot of selfish things just to push off depression for a bit. Today, I remembered that I use to WANT to make someone else happy. This has to be a trait of a good person, and it's breaking me because I've thought I'm just an awful person for so long.
You see, way back when, I met a very special girl. I was 20, she was 18, and I had been living on my own for a bit. I moved out from Ontario to Alberta at 17 to pick up a trade in the mountains. I had done that, and I wanted to share it with someone. I was honestly happy then, and its the very last time I can remember being that way. I loved this girl, and it made me happy to see her smile. We were young, and we started to party a bit. She picked up work in some bars as a server, and I could start to see an issue with her drinking.
Without going too far into what happened between us, we lived together for 5 years. It all ended with the cops basically forcing me to get an EPO against her. I wanted to marry this girl. All I wanted to do was make her happy. I would party with her because that's what she wanted.. She became a true alcoholic, and things came crashing down. We went through a lot together, including having an abortion, and it was my idea. Everything I wanted in my life slowly destroyed me.
Fast forward 1 year. I'm lost in life, using cocaine, depressed as all hell, and wanted to close the book on my story. A close friend and my brother were the only people who knew what I was up to, and how fucked up I was. I can say these people will never be forgotten. They got me to keep the book open. But at this point, I've lost meaning. I don't want to make people happy... I can barely even get out of my fucking bed. I stumbled along for another year or so like this, using drugs as an excuse to myself to make life worth it.
Then I met another girl. I mean, I've gone on a few dates here and there, but I liked this one for some reason. We met at a co-ed softball wind-up party. We hit it off, and she came back to my place that night.
At this point, I've gotten pretty good at acting like a normal happy dude, but looking back, nowhere in me wanted to make her happy. I was thinking, damn, I can't let her find out how fucked up I actually am. I was thinking this girl was going to save me, somehow pull me out of this fog I've been living in for years now. I still had no clue why I felt so shitty.
I warned her I didn't want a relationship, but we liked hanging out, so we made one anyway. I honestly tried, but we both knew I was just going through the motions. Things were not bad, but we were not setting the world on fire if you know what I mean. She was an amazing girl, and if I had wanted the same thing going into this as I did back then, she would have been my wife right now. We lived together for 3 years, but I was already tainted.
I was distant, and I was oblivious to what actually makes her happy. I was always worried if I was happy or not. This is how I grew from my past, always making sure noone could hurt me. I was still using while we were dating, and she knew. I quit for a bit as she asked me to, but I went right back to it after the breakup.
This girl was special though. We still talk, although it's hit and miss. Things got weird between us and I know we could never start fresh. But reflecting on all this brought the memory of wanting to make someone happy. Living for it.
I was today years old when I remembered the drive for my life is. It's to make the ones I care for feel special. It's to see your best friend shocked with random surprise chocolates. It's to buy the work boys Coffee and Donuts on Friday.
And, it's to find someone special. Someone that I want to live the rest of my life making happy. This is the only way I will find my peace, and this is what will pull me out of the drug, depression-fulled life I've built.
Cheers to realizing I'm on recovery day 1.
** Thank you for all the kind words and advice, I honestly didn't expect anyone to read this. I'm doing well right now, and writing this has helped me put a lot of things into perspective. I'm actually looking forward to seeing what 2024 will bring. Cheers everyone! **
hi Rikki. This is a lot to unpack. Getting your thoughts and feelings onto the page is a great first step. Writing can be very cathartic and there may be others who can relate to what you are going through. But as @mirroredspork mentioned, you have to make sure that you are happy and whole again before you can focus on trying to make others happy. Don't be completely dependent on someone else for your happiness. You need to heal yourself first. Real healing. So focus on drug rehab and dealing with your depression. It seems like an obvious question, but have you reached out to your family doctor or anybody in the medical field/support groups for help? No matter how hard it feels, get clean and find your sense of purpose and joy again... and you will create the right space for the right woman to come into your life. The key is first to become the man that will attract the right kind of woman. You know he is in there still. You mentioned that you have a brother and friend who helped you previously. Ask them for help again. You have some things to work through but I'm rooting for you 🙏🤗 Sending you a big !Hug and well done for reaching out here on Hive... even if that isn't what you thought you were doing. You can do this. Keep going, keep sharing, keep connecting.
I sent 1.0 HUG on behalf of @samsmith1971.
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Hang in there, dude. Always remember that you can't make someone else happy unless you have a foundation of happiness yourself. Rough shit that I had to learn the hard way, too. Just keep on keepin on, man.
You probably won't want to buy me donuts when I mill you out, anyway.
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