I grew up longing for a home which most people defined as their safe haven. Broken glasses scattered on the floor, two voices shouting at each other—echoing in this four cornered room, and a girl crying while covering her ears. This was what I grew up to. I was a mere child when I discovered monsters in human form, they own the friendliest smiles that would make you think of them as saints; never capable of doing something horrendous. But their actions are contradictory to what they pretend them to be.
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One of them built a castle for his family, offered an eternity to his wife, to his children that he promised to guide. Until a huge storm came that caused a complete havoc to their place. Suddenly, everything started to fall apart. Father had a change of heart, that was what I heard. I watched mother soak her pillow with tears every night, and all I could do was wish that I could take her pain away. He was my first heartbreak, yet I knew that he was her greatest torment. There were also the ones you thought who could be trusted, they hid candies in their pockets just like they hid their true intentions. They would corrupt your innocence because you were still naïve. After that, they would steal your courage to speak by planting fear within you and I showered it with hatred. I held on to my grudges that I raised, however, I always pointed the entire blame on me. Suffer. Then scream that I had enough. Enough.
How many times did we question the universe for every happening that was beyond our control?
Do you believe the thing that they say when it was your birthday, that when you blow out the candles on your birthday cake, what you wished would come true? Well, I used to and it was sheer nonsense. I had blow out a lot of candles yet it did not, even once. It made me hate birthdays, blowing out candles, and the party hats. Also, my dog died the same day of my birthday. Let me just inform you that I added one more reason as to why I hated it. But really, was there a time that I felt genuinely happy?
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My childhood memories sank into oblivion and remembering nothing suffocated me.
“How are you?”
“I am fine.”
When, in fact, these are the words I would like to say: “Sometimes, it hurts so bad that I would cry myself to sleep. Sometimes, I just want the pain to stop and there was only one way that I could think of. And sometimes, I feel nothing at all”. You see, I have too much in my mind that I am afraid to tell. I hope I have the guts, though.
Why do emptiness weighs more than joy?
The void is swallowing me.
The void swallowed me.
I cannot breathe.
Alice
I used to stumble upon dreams where I was floating as a child, it went higher and higher—the world seemed tinier in my eyes. There were several nights I would have a similar dream when I started to be older, the only difference was the fall that occurred shortly afterwards. It happened so often I no longer remember how I actually felt. One time, I noticed a small crack that made everything crumble and I sank. I never ceased slipping until then.
Hello! I go by the name Alice, under the username @lienric. A graduating senior high school student. I am from Laguna, Philippines. I enjoy doing a lot of things although, I am far from being considered as consistent. Yet I know that we are just trying to survive, and my pets are here to keep me alive. I write when all there is for me to tolerate becomes unbearable, or on some days I think I am a giant with hands I do not recognize.
This was my first attempt of being honest about what I have been through. My first time of not denying my pain. It has been years, a baby step I have done. Definitely raw. Photo retrieved from on Instagram.
Hello Alice, wish you have a nice day today.
I am sorry for what happened to you and your family. My family corrupted when I was 12 years old, and yes I heard two voices shouting at each other day by day. Unlike you, I kept myself away from that seemingly non-existing pain without noticing my ignorance had let it creeped into my veins real slow. I have just known that for this time around, but I guess it's a bit too late to cure or find my way out of it.
So Alice, it was not your fault, or yourself to be blamed on. Sometimes things have to happen in the way we would never think there would be another worse, but all of them mean certain lessons in life. I know it's so hard and weird to accept everything and blame nobody (that's why ourselves is the easiest choice), yet your pain is enough. You know it too. Bad things will keep happening again and again if we haven't finished our lesson on those resemble occurrences.
And might your dream ain't fake, since your heart is also a child you need to take care of too. You can give it the scene you have dreamt of Alice, and love it like how you deserve to be.
Hi, Sapphire. I am happy to see you here again. Nothing much is happening today, I hope you are well.
I know how traumatizing it is to hear your parents constantly arguing, it will certainly leave you scarred. At some point, I am just glad that they are no longer together. Not all the time parents can be actual parents for their children, no? You are brave and thank you for sharing me your experience, too.
I used to think it was my fault but I have realized that it is not. It will never be. I hope you will not forget that as well. Your kind words are more than appreciated and if I could tell those to my younger self, I would. I am sending you hugs with consent.
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You're welcome @lienric! Have a nice day 😊👍