Sometimes, I think if the world ends right now, I will not give a single damn. And I am aware of how selfish it is. Yet I cannot stop wondering what would I be now if I did not suffer in the hands of these people. I tried. More than you can ever imagine. To not let myself be consumed. I will tell you it does not matter anymore but it never stopped killing me. All my life I am forced to believe that every misdeed of others I keep experiencing is my fault. It turned me into someone incapable of speaking what I actually feel. I wish I have known it sooner. There is no rainbow after the rain for me.
It has been years when I last went to church. I cannot stand to be told that these are happening to me for the reason I do not pray. No one knows how many gods I have called to be able to sleep peacefully at night only to end up having another nightmare. The repetition made me sick. Sleeping became difficult when it used to be an escape for me. There are nights where I do not sleep at all. Nonetheless, I visited the church out of nowhere months ago, I remember suddenly telling to a friend, “Hey, it looks like I will find myself praying once again”. It was genuine. And fleeting.
Back then, it always took me longer to memorize a single step and would only succeed after repeating it all over again. I thought of how dumb I was for not being able to easily pick it up the way others did. I never viewed myself as an optimistic person because I knew better than anyone, when things get difficult, my option would be to stop. I liked to draw, I could say I was pretty good at it. If I was not being petty and my frustrations did not get the best of me, I would have chosen to continue. The second I had put my interest in running and realized I could run faster, it also dawned on me that I have an asthma. I remember cursing under my breath, and I felt as though I was the biggest loser. However, letting them slip from my grasp proved that I really am. It used to be a small dot until it grew so much larger, I stood there and waited for it to completely trap me. I was stuck, yet this is of my own accord. And I fell into an indefinite self-doubt. Everything seemed to be not for me. Without even trying, I gave up. I no longer wanted any of this.
It is how I loved many things until I can no longer do.
I guess I will continue doing this for a little while, writing all I have wished to say yet chose not to. I would rather talk about all of these here since I am nothing but a stranger to you and so are you to me. It looks safer. You see, I have developed a habit of picturing the sky. No matter where I am. It holds an unspoken hope I have abandoned. Unknowingly, I sink to the comfort of its deceit familiarity. Still there is a small voice inside my head that will not cease to remind me, you have come so far. I heard you. I have come so far. At some point, it wears out all the rage. Yet if not with this anger, I will not be able to survive. Look, it does not sound so bad that my revenge will be to show them I am doing better than I ever was.
Although grief-stricken, I am not only meant to grieve. The world is too beautiful for me to hate.
Alice
I used to stumble upon dreams where I was floating as a child, it went higher and higher—the world seemed tinier in my eyes. There were several nights I would have a similar dream when I started to be older, the only difference was the fall that occurred shortly afterwards. It happened so often I no longer remember how I actually felt. One time, I noticed a small crack that made everything crumble and I sank. I never ceased slipping until then.
Hello! I go by the name Alice, under the username @lienric. A graduating senior high school student. I am from Laguna, Philippines. I enjoy doing a lot of things although, I am far from being considered as consistent. Yet I know that we are just trying to survive, and my pets are here to keep me alive. I write when all there is for me to tolerate becomes unbearable, or on some days I think I am a giant with hands I do not recognize.
Pictures used are all mine.
The pictures you've taken feel majestic. As though I've looked afar from a cliff while I read your words embedded in shreds of glass. It dizzily soothes my mind until I'm not standing there anymore. Terrifying and exquisite to the point of superseding grief.
I won't find the words to lull these wounds but I'll be here, @lienric. Love from Qatar, Qatarantaduhan.
You have always been a tarantadits, we all know it already. Thank you, Arq.
I love this piece and this reminded me of the book that I just finished reading recently when I was away [Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved] by Kate Bowler pdf copy available here
I am in the same situation as you are if I find anything complicated and troubling I tend to stop everything and be at a loss for moments until I can muster up the courage to do so or to move.
Be at rage if you must - process all of those emotions as these will be your weapons in the future once you mature. Write, bleed those words and scream on those papers!
I will probably read that one of these days. Good morning, kuya!
I used to think it was not normal and I must do something about it. However, pressuring myself only made me more frustrated. Things have always been easier said than done but I have realized that I should not feel guilty for taking my time.
Thank you for being here po! Your comment feels like a slight pat on the shoulder. I hope you are having a great day po. ^^
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Hate works more like a chain that chains you to the past than something that actually change your world, it is so lovely to read the last line, big hug, see you around :)