Source: Image by @katharsisdrill
Mort, the Shit Manager is a spin-off fictional series of short stories based loosely on the thoughts of David Mortenson, the tyrannical Kwiksave store manager who features in my auto-biographical series 'The Horrors of Kwiksave'.
Mort the Shit Manager Complete Chronology
- Mort as a Stock Lad -
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Flat Arse' - (March 1974)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Mort's Interview' - (March 1974)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Armchair Club' - (May 1974)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Fresh Cream' - (November 1978)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Demise of Reginald Bulge' - (January 1979)
- Mort as a Manager -
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Oxidation' - (July 1979)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Fart Councilling' - (July 1979)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Mandy's Interview' - (October 1979)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Mandy's Curves' - (November 1979)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Bribe' - (November 1979)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Agnus' - (December 1979)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Agnus' Surprise Visit' - (March 1980)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Bloody Nose' - (July 1980)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Brent's 'Druff' - (September 1980)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Sacking of Brent' - (September 1980)
Mort the Shit Manager: Edith's Offerings - (October 1980)
Mort the Shit Manager: Hector's Deal: Part One - (October 1980)
- Mort as a Manager with @slobberchops -
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Oppression Supreme' - (December 1980)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Tripe & Gizzard Flavour' - (February 1981)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Gladys Shufflebottom: Part One' - (February 1981)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Heat Machine' - (March 1981)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Day Off' - (April 1981)
…@slobberchops to aisle one. A dog has shit on the floor and cleaning is required, get to it now, boy…, crackled the old tannoy in Mort's gruff voice.
I groaned. As if unloading the crushed Jam pallet (again) was not enough.
Whoever packed these pallets was a complete fuckwit. With Jam stacked twenty packs high, it was little wonder the ones at the bottom were crushed under all the weight, complete with added oozing stickiness.
...'how Jam should be stacked, but not at Kwiksave. The bottom ones were doomed to be smashed open, and leaking everywhere. It was little wonder the Stock Lads hated unpacking the Jam pallet'... - Source
Of course, it was up to me to clean up this mess when I reached the bottom of the pallet, which was now going to take longer than usual. I was supposed to be a shelf-filling slave, not a bloody cleaner?
Why the fuck did Kwiksave allow dogs into their stores anyway? They pissed and shit all over the store cocking their legs up at will. It was little wonder the place stank like a canine cesspit.
I blearily gazed up at the one-way windows of the office, knowing Mort would be wielding his customary sneer and looking for a reaction; anything to make my life more miserable and send my mood cascading deeper into the pit of despair.
I shuffled to the back of the store, past the frozen goods, and made my way to aisle one, but then froze in horror at the sight.
It was that old woman AGAIN. The same one that had landed Mort in hot water with Elton just days ago.
I somehow had copped the blame, and since that day, Mort's sneers and jibes at me had escalated to a new level.
...'Sharon did not talk to me so much outside the occasional snog at Christmas, but when she did, I was in heaven'... - Source
Sharon, the flirty, provocative supervisor with the rotten tooth, had shared part of the story with me.
Gladys Shufflebottom had filed an official report against Mort. The report had stated:
- Uncooperative when asked to retrieve 'Heart with Jelly' flavour Pedigree Chum dog food from the upper shelves.
- Rude, aggressive and showing no level of compassion when hearing the tale of Rover the dog and his adverse anal reaction to ‘Tripe & Gizzard’ flavour Pedigree Chum dog food.
- Taking far too long to retrieve a single tin of Rover’s favourite dog food.
It was too late for a hasty escape. Gladys had seen me, the brown overall labelled with a red ‘Kwiksave’ motif, giving the game away, and I was doomed.
The sight turned my stomach. ‘Rover’ was squatting in a pool of doggy diarrhoea with an agitated Gladys beckoning me toward the ghastly scene.
...'Not that fucking horrible stuff, I could have coped with the solid regular type'... - Source
“Prrrrt!”…, Rover wagged his tail at me unapologetically, and I stalled, frozen. I had to clean this shit up, as well as be gassed by fresh dog rectal fumes?
Gladys squinted at me with a knowing look.
"Do I know you, son?" she said in a rasping croaky voice.
...'Gladys fortunately was not as sharp as she was once. A boon to my current unfortunate situation'... - Source
Deja-vu swam over me in a dizzying wave; did she say this to all the boys?
"Er.. no, you must be mistaking me for Mr Carrot, who left a week ago", I lied, face reddening. I was always a terrible liar.
Gladys looked unconvinced but did not press the matter.
“You see, dearie… my Rover had an accident. Yesterday, I was forced to buy that nasty 'Tripe & Gizzard’ flavour dog food for him, but I see there's some of his favourite flavour on the top shelf again"
She motioned to the top shelf, and sure enough, under six giant crates of Chum lay a single pack of ‘Heart with Jelly’ flavour Pedigree Chum.
...'...this is a mere 12-pack, maybe they discontinued the 24 packs after multiple injuries to Kwiksave Stock Lads were reported?...' - Source
...the dog has spilt its guts all over the floor, and now she wants me to get the ladders, and haul six lots of 24-pack chum to one side so Rover can eat his favourite bloody food AND then clean that watery shit up... in that order?...
Could this day get any fucking worse?
I inwardly groaned, but then had a light bulb moment. A little personal attention could take me far in this situation, as well as irritate the hell out of Mort.
"I would be glad to help Mrs Shufflebottom, but firstly I need to clean up the... err.. accident here, but if you could make your way to the office, my manager, Mr Mortenson, would be pleased and delighted to assist you.”
...'the young @slobberchops could turn on the charm if necessary. If it pissed Mort off then it was vital and abolsute'... Source
Gladys visibly brightened and then frowned. What the fuck was going on in her head?
"It's Miss Shufflebottom, I will have you know, and I have never allowed a filthy man inside my vagina”
Gladys stormed off, or should I say shuffled off as old ladies do, Rover in tow, complete with doggy beige footprints leaving a trail marking the smooth black asphalt Kwiksave floor.
I stared after her in disbelief, mouth dropping to the floor, drool leaking from the edges of my mouth. What the fuck just happened?
…TO BE CONTINUED…
- Did Rover end up with the ‘Heart with Jelly’ flavour food?
- At the age of 84, why did Gladys spill the beans about her virginity to a lowly Stock Lad?
- Would Mort be forced out of the office to haul the Chum?
- Did Gladys have dentures, or had constant smoking over sixty years caused her real teeth to rot?
All this and more in Part Two, the thrilling conclusion of ‘Mort the Shit Manager: Gladys Shufflebottom’ coming exclusively to the HIVE blockchain soon.
Mort, the Shit Manager is a Serial Shitposting Fiction Story inspired by Torundel the Shitposter by @katharsisdrill, Ren du Lot, the Shit Lawyer by @vcelier and Nordlute, the Shit Sysadmin by @steevc.
My Urban Exploration Tales can be found directly on the internet via my Website 'Tales of the Urban Explorer'.
If you found this article so invigorating that you are now a positively googly-eyed, drooling lunatic with dripping saliva or even if you liked it just a bit, then please upvote, comment, rehive, engage me or all of these things.
welcome back to the wonderful world of Kwickies
Did dogs shit in your store? How about old ladies discussing their virginity?..
...it all happened at Rawtenstall.., the place of wonders.
No dog shit thank you very much. let me just say that I made a lot of lady "friends", they must have been attracted to the red manager coat and the benefits of half day closing on a wednesday could do for "special discounts". I didn't get paid enough not to have my perks, and fiddles
Maybe she just let ladies in 🤣🤣
Diarrhoea from a dog, yeek!!
I know all about the rectal deposits of dogs, having owned one until a year ago. Anything other than regular food and it was that image above.., bloody 'orrible!
As for Gladys, well.. that's for the next installment. Her and that Edith from the job centre..., well let's say they both have certain needs... :)
And needs must be met!! 🤣🤣
I have never had a dog, that makes me think I'm lucky!
I would not have another. They are like mini children, with all their needs. Cats don't require a lot of attention, but they don't give as much back.
I'm sure you will be Gladys over :)
Dogs should not be allowed in food shops. I do see them in some other shops. It seems to be a common thing in the John Lewis we visit. My family used to have dogs, but not had one in a long while. It's just cats in our house and we don't take them out with us.
You know.. I was just checking...
Those guide dogs also need to dump their loads too.., especially when eating dodgy flavours? I know they are well behaved but accidents do happen.. :)
I'm sure they do. I imagine that picking up the 'outcome' is tricky for a blind person. Dogs do seem to learn where they should do their business generally.
It's generally a first thing when you get out chore, for the dog I mean! They do tend to give you that embarrassed look, in canine facial language.
Haha bravo!
Nothing like entitled customers and a porridge shitting pumpkin shaped k9
Encore!
This did happen to me many times, albeit without the drama. I tried to poke out a can from the bottom-most rack on the top shelf many a time.
What's wrong with Tripe and Gizzard anyway? It's an alternative diet I say... 😀..