Strong Sense of Self

Below is an ode to "the bathtub era" in pictures; the writing is a call to the higher version of self. All Pictures are mine; are of me -- at one point of time during that era. I hope to preserve her well, all versions of myself have struggle to get me to the heights of where I am at today. I love her -- I let her go. I am no longer the maiden and the bride. I am the mother, and I need to live life in a different fashion. In a way in which I feel better, I am better. One in which I am the version of optimum health. This essay answers the question: What is health? What does health look like on me?

Cheers to a new era, a healthy one.

I struggle with my own internal self image. I've had the same sense of self since I was a teenager. I've held onto the same identity since I was a child with medications forced into her mouth. I was a malfunctioning child, I was born broken, I was born on fire, I couldn't control myself -- I needed help, constantly. There was one night during a graduate school outing where a friend and I slept in the same room, I began to sleep talk, "help me." My friend woke up, came to my side to ask what was the matter? I had very little explanation, knowing that it was something buried in my subconscious; I shrugged it off. And when I reflect back on this moment and many others throughout my life, I think: I am not enough, I can only make it through with other people. That's what my parents taught me, once upon a time.

So, here I am twenty-eight years old -- soon to be twenty-nine; soon to be thirty. And those visions of who I believed I was as a child, as a teen, as a young adult have carried on with me. I had energetic walls miles long protecting the corpse of my teenage self. And now we come face to face, I get to meet her again. I get to hear her real story, rather than the illusions I surrounded her inside. I get to look into her eyes and see what a strong powerhouse of a witch she is; I get to hug her, I get to hold her. I am listening; tell me -- who are you? Who are you really? Because my self image is not living up to reality. The ways in which I am seeing the world is incorrect, I must re-evaluate. I realize I am not who I think I am.

I've been getting adjusted nearly everyday. My chiropractor asked me yesterday -- you keep talking about what it is like to be unhealthy, you keep talking about what it is like to be suffering. What does health look like? What does functioning at optimal potential look like; write about that. And perhaps she is correct, perhaps she attempted to shift my focus. It has caused to me to think: not of who I am going to become, not of what I am going to do, not of the future and visionary forecasting. Rather, of what does the healthy version of myself do? What does she look like. How does the healthiest version of myself think?

The healthiest version of myself views herself a buildable, as transformable depending on daily habits and routines. My healthy self; the consciousness that my meat suit currently possesses, sees impermanence and flow easily. I see the ebbs in the pond and I see that the rocks that I throw in impacts those ripples. I see her as insightful and aware of her behavior and words. I see her thinking multiple moves ahead; I see her playing chess skillfully. And when the game is over; there is always a chance to start again, as long as my lungs still fill with air. As long as my neurology is still functioning, there is still a chance to play again. There is still a chance to lose, there is still a chance to win. There is still a chance to play again; when I am functioning at optimal potential.

I used to lie a lot when I was around 11-13 years of age. I felt a lot of shame around these bold face lies of having traveled around the world and won all these competitions for gymnastics. I used to lie about ridiculous things as I bleached my hair (I was a natural blond who was obsessed with brunettes and my italian heritage). In some ways I felt as if I was trying to tell people who I would be if I didn't feel supressed, if I could have controlled my life. I felt a ton of shame around these absurd mistruths; I had zero insight on why I did this back then. I felt crushed by my parents constant diagnosis of who I was; I was inside a learning disability school (The Pilot School), and I wanted to be someone/somewhere else. I did that through making shit up.

And in some ways, here I am -- sitting at this fork in the road. I am here once again. I get to make shit up for real this time. I get to build myself into the person of my dreams. I get to live; I get to choose what health means to me. I do not have to be force fed medications any longer. I now choose; and Jesus is that frightening. To realize that my subconscious is scared of living up to its potential is a difficult fact to wrap one's head around. It is a paradox.

I was the child that ate the first marshmallow, declining the "have two if you wait" option because I was scared the future may never come; I was in survival mode. Most children and people who live in that way are too in survival mode; they cannot afford to think so much of the future, because they could die tomorrow. And that is the permanence that I am trying to escape; just because I was that child do I have to be that adult tomorrow? Can I learn to step out of the matrix and learn to plan ahead? Can I learn. Although I preached neuroplasticity for others, I didn't believe it about myself. Because, I still saw myself as that broken child that needed her parents to love her and listen.

That's the part that I have to shatter. I need to listen to that child, I need to listen to her story, I need to believe her. And then, she will die and I will live on. And perhaps, I can help live out the second part of her existence. Perhaps, I can. There's no amount of forcing that can change me. There is no amount of push that will encourage me to go. I first must be and simply -- listen to who I am. I will naturally do what I want to do -- I will naturally push for what I have a reason to push for; learning to hijack the system that was taken over by a virus of false beliefs. I need to turn my maladapted story into an adapted motivation to journey to the finish line. What does optimum health look like? What would adaptation look like? I control my story -- now I just have to write it.

I am healthy; I eat a plant-based diet of mostly raw fruits and vegetables. I love fruits and vegetables; I love salad. I get a lot of enjoyment out of cooking and preparing my meals. I love going to apple orchards with William and baby to pick ripe red fruit. The branch swings upwards ever so slightly as T* grabs; pulling the apple off the tree and into his sphere of being. I enjoy blueberries and blackberries. I have a strawberry field surrounding my house. I have a watermelon patch nearby where I eat the halves under a willow that I once planted nearby. My grandchildren love our garden, they have picked out plants that one day they will own. And continue to grow and take care of.

William and I sleep together in a large bedroom that has french doors that open up to a large porch. We can sleep out there at nights during the summer, under the full moon. Our house is full of wood, I can smell it as I wake up -- I love the smell of our house; we built it ourselves. We both made our dreams come true. Our children fly in often and bring their children. We play together in the garden and in the kitchen. We still love indulging in edibles from time to time; and we stare into each others eyes and can see the various facets of us that once lived. We have a lot of fun together. I've had the most fun with him by my side. He is my life partner. We are in love, still -- as old people. He knows the true me, he helped build me. I helped build him. We are very much in love; we are very much free.

I wake up with ease; I go to bed with ease. I am excited for each new moment of my day. When I wake up and go to school, I am ready. And with each class, I am able to focus and remain interested. I love to take notes. I love to study, I enjoy learning. I enjoy being around others who stimulate my mental processes. I enjoy others who challenge my thinking and I love going to philosophy meetings every Friday morning. I wake up early, it is my favorite part of the day. I remember when I used to beg my grandmother to wake up at 4am to hang out with me; she did a few times. We used to just watch T.V. and play. I loved those days; every morning I get to wake up and play. First, I run while listening to my favorite music. I love listening to different genres and hearing others perspectives. It's one the most inspiring times of the day, I feel a ton of joy while running in the early light of the morning. I usually schedule my time to run during the dayrise; during the time the sun was peeking up through the clouds. I get to sun gaze. I get to stare at the ultimate source of power for all living things. It powers me, every morning. I feel blessed to get to witness it's rising on the daily.

I run marathons periodically; I do not train for them. As I am always training for them. I drink plenty of water. I make sure that I am at least consuming a half gallon of water per day. I love water. I love how it impacts and soothes my soul. When I fill up my nalgenes in the morning I infuse them with light and love. I enjoy the feeling of being thirsty and filling up my body with the best water on Earth. I love how my body feels on water. I feel fueled up and ready to go. I feel light and in control; fluid and flexible. I understand how H2O impact our system and biology. I take great pride in that education, that I use the practices upon myself. I drink plenty of water and I encourage others to as well.

I go to bed early, I use my time wisely. I enjoy all of the time blocks in my life. I enjoy the life that I have fashioned and folded in a way of my pleasing. I love going to bed early; I feel as if I have enough time to sleep and re-energize. I am excited for the morning; however, peaceful to go to bed at night too. I love living inside the moment, inside the vortex. I trust it is all coming to me as I close my eyes. I trust that I will be able to figure out the outcoming day. I go to bed with trust in myself and my home. I love the moments in between sleep and awake. I wait for the moment to come over me, it is an incredible feeling. I trust my body to wake me up before dawn, I trust my body to carry me into the darkness and back into the light again.

I meditate daily for at least one minute. I block off time for twenty minutes; however. I enjoy the moment inside my session. I connect to a power greater than myself that fills my spirit up. I feel fueled by the mission that lives inside my gut; my higher self inspires me to go forwards. I do not focus on the day in which the pharmaceutical industry crumbles; instead I envision a new path. I forge a new path -- one where the philosophy's of chiropractic live front and center. A path where a spoonful of medicine is not trusted. Instead, people trust in the body's innate ability to heal. I focus on the good. I focus on building more good. I focus on restoring health in people through the power of their own body. I help people gain faith in their body; as I have deep faith in my own.

I write on HIVE daily; and sometimes, infrequently I make videos about topics I care about -- or experiments that I have done that I think are cool. I use the video platform to cultivate a feeling, I make it more readily available to digest. There is a reason to why I have chosen to use the video format. I am not looking to bring in patients by being active on social media. I am additionally not interested in spinal screenings in order to find patients as well. I do not put my focus into marketing, I put my focus into people. I simply focus on being good at what I am doing. I simply focus on getting results and being a good doctor. I heal people, and others will refer.

I write on HIVE daily. One day I really want to be able to give out Engage tokens to people who comment on my posts. (I am at 70 coins! Woo!) I've missed a few days here and there. I need to mention that briefly to keep myself honest. A promise was to write daily, to set a timer and write. I needed to write about what I felt and what I wanted to do one day. I wanted to train myself to think about writing; to begin to think as an author. And to do that, one must read and write daily. I am carving out time to right and read daily; to focus on my talent of using my writing abilities to share to the world about natural medicine. I will use my writing abilities to share to the world while using my education; while using my science brain. I can mix my science and art. I can create, I can write. I can grow. And I will change the world through my perseverance. Aren't we all little world changers?

I have hyper-focused on my vision of the future. I have hyper-focused into the vision of who am I? What is the optimum power of my potential? What are small things about myself that I can change? And something that looks realistic. I believe it starts in just rebuilding myself through my mind, through organizing my thoughts. And afterwards? Letting it go and ironically not focusing so much on the future. Just know that it is coming and that chiropractic college was the right move. I am not to be scared of the future; it will come. It is all coming into line, the universe is aligning for me; for all of us -- and I can see that. I can see my visions come into line; it is working. I just need to have faith. I once wanted everything, or nothing. I will now settle for choosing my little habits on the daily. Little habits such as running, waking up early, going to bed early, drinking a half gallon of water per day, remaining focused on the present, writing/journaling and getting adjusted twice per week. This shift in focus; paradoxically, has given me everything.

above these lines, the word count was 2,759. Sometimes for fun, I do this thing where I look up the angel number of my word count. It is just for fun. Today it was beautiful and I felt like it documented my exact feelings about the future and about the past.

Angel Number 27 wants you to step forward with your life and remember that you are going to be able move on forward if you just focus on the future with your energy.

Angel Number 59 wants you to be gracious towards all that you’ve been given and focus on all of the good that it has – and will – bring you.

I am ringing in a beautiful future. I am ringing in healing. I am grateful for the past. I am grateful for my story. If you are focusing on healing too, tell me about it in the comment section. I would love to hear your thoughts; I desire to connect. If I can heal, so can you. If my body can heal, so can yours. I am freeing the bonds that held me hostage. I am grateful for postpartum depression, it is allowing me to create myself anew.